Cloud69 Sex Blog

Sexually transmitted diseases are clearly a major issue in the US today. Contrary to popular belief propagated by drug companies, having an STD does not mean your life consists of bike rides and lying on the beach with your beautiful boyfriend or girlfriend.

Not real life

A more accurate description is told in lyrics of Eminem songs like Role Model. They aren’t pleasant and everyone who contracts one hates themselves and the person who gave it to them. No matter what you see on television there is nobody in a relationship with an STD with someone else who doesn’t and is fine with that information. Here is a list of states that have the highest rating of STD(syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia) reports. These numbers are per every 100,000 people. That means if the number is 5,000 then for every 100,000 people in the state 5,000 of them have a reported STD. If you don’t understand that then there is a pretty good chance you already have an STD. - Source

1. Mississippi: 1030.8 per 100,000

Well congratulations Mississippians. I’m sure this wasn’t a list you were trying to be on top of. Unfortunately there aren’t many positive lists that Mississippi tops. They are annually near the bottom of educational rankings throughout the nation. And to top it all of Ole Miss just lost to an unranked South Carolina football team and lost their number 4 ranking. On a more positive note Root beer was invented in Biloxi in 1898, even if the inventors name was Adolf. Shortly after in 1902 President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear and thus was created the teddy bear. I could not find any confirmed reports that TR had or was responsible for spreading any STDs.

TR did what he wanted

2. South Carolina: 850.7 per 100,000

So any South Carolina football fans who had a good laugh at Mississippi’s expense probably got real quiet real quick when they saw they were next on this list. North Carolina wasn’t even in the top 15 of any STD ranking. I wonder if those people consider themselves better than people from South Carolina. Is this a big rivalry I’m not aware of. What about North and South Dakota or Virginia and West Virginia. At some point back in the day one of them thought they were too cool and didn’t want to be associated with the other and split. I did find that the salamander is the official state amphibian.

Fuck you, salamander

Who felt the need to invent that official honor for each state? Are there even 50 different amphibians? I bet most people can name more STDs than amphibians.

3. Alabama: 791.9 per 100,000

Is anyone else noticing a correlation between top college football programs and states with high STD rates? In case you were wondering Florida and Texas both have high numbers of STDs but they don’t make the list because their populations are to high so it’s not as high a percentage. I really don’t get surprised when I hear anything about Alabama after I saw the Leprechaun video.

The one dude says he has a magic Leprechaun flute that’s been in his family for thousands of generations. Thousands! Humans haven’t been around for thousands of generations, let alone America or that dude’s family. You can find plenty of people still angry about the Civil War when you visit. In 1861 the Confederate flag was designed and first flown in Alabama. So they really can’t complain since they basically started the whole thing. It makes it easy when you have a scape goat. Who knows what else they started? Thanks a lot for the cold war Alabama!

4. Louisiana: 723.7 per 100,000

Louisiana has a little leeway in my book. I’m a pretty big fan of the Trueblood show on HBO and assume from it that there are a ton of hot women in small towns scattered all over the state.

(pic of someone from show) New Orleans is located in Louisiana which is the home of Mardi Gras. I’m way too conservative of a guy to really try and experience the event but I do enjoy reading about it and watching videos of it. I also enjoy being able to throw beads all women with low self esteem in hopes that they will take off their shirts. It’s kind of ridiculous how easy it is. And you can always just find the girl with a ton of beads so you know what she’s all about. Just a few minutes ago I’m pretty sure I saw Alabama was the crawfish capital of the country but I’ve just read that Breaux Bridge, LA is the crawfish capital of the world. Enjoy thinking about that one for a while. Maybe it’s a seasonal type of thing. Just like I bet there are a ton more STDs floating around during Mardi Gras than any other time of the year.

Can't imagine why

5. Georgia: 656.1 per 100,000

I’ll admit I don’t know much about Georgia except that apparently it’s the state with the fifth highest rate of STD reports. Also there is the college football powerhouse corollary again. I do remember reading that Atlanta is a very fun town and that there are women who aren’t terribly picky about their men and just want to have a good time. I’m not going to make assumptions. This could just be the culture of the city but it could also be because they have some sort of STD and will take whatever they can get. We may never know. But I do would be curious to see how often Georgia football is ranked the same in the BCS as it is in state STD reports.

6. Tennessee: 609.4 per 100,000

Tennessee seems to be on the up and up. Unfortunately it’s moving up this list as its STD issues are a serious concern. They are worried about rising cases in women as young as 14. My only experience with Tennessee was when I went there for a basketball tournament over the 4^th of July. No matter what they feel about the north they do love the celebration. Of course that could just be the excuse to get really drunk and watch fireworks. I was not of legal age at the time but I got a kick out of people waiting in line for beer with two beers in hand. They were done by the time they got to front, purchased two more and sauntered back to the end of the line. Now being a little older I can definitely see myself doing that. The lines were very long.

Champ or chump?

Maybe more people should hang out in line for beer and not sleep around so much and they might have less STD issues.[Editor’s note: We are not promoting drinking among 14 year old girls in Tennessee]

You may have noticed that all of these states are in or around the southeastern part of the US. Many of those states don’t get the funding to educate kids or help take care of people who have issues with STDs. On the positive side if you don’t live in that area and have an STD you may have much better luck finding someone who isn’t so judgmental if you head down there looking for a good time.

Some people may consider human mating rituals to be pretty unpleasant. I’m not talking about girls lying or guys cheating. There are plenty of relationships that have unpleasant aspects but this title is a little facetious in that these instances are not just ‘less than pleasant’. These rituals are painful and horrifying and if any human attempted them they would earn a special place in Hell which is probably within eye sight of wherever Hitler is.

Praying Mantis:

Most people have heard about this one. After mating the female will often eat the male. It’s interesting that this happens almost all the time in a lab and much less frequently in the wild. The Praying Mantis is a very observant insect and they it may only happen when it know it’s being matched. Possibly to erase all evidence that she just hooked up with a really ugly mate. Males will also wait to dismount the female until the most opportune time to escape.

I'm not getting off until she falls asleep

The female will usually start with the males head and sometimes the male will continue mating without his head. This makes them similar to humans in that they only have enough blood to control one head at a time. Clearly they’ve been doing something right because in cold climates most Mantii die during the winter. That’s a lot of pressure every year because if you mess up you’re extinct. - Source

Redback Spiders:

This is another insect where the female will take the house, the kids, and its mate’s life. For some reason the males are the ones who still need to initiate the courting ritual. Presumably because Vince Vaughn isn’t around to tell them it’s the biggest mistake of their life.

Congratulations, you got one vagina for the rest of your life

They pluck a fiber of a web and if the female is in the mood… or just hungry she’ll give him the go ahead signal. The male doesn’t even put up a fight. He basically assumes the position. This position entails him curling into a ball and rolling right into the females open mouth and fangs. She will suck some juices out of him for a while as they go at it then he will pull away. Most would assume he would take his change at freedom and go, especially since he’s already planted his seed. You would be wrong. He goes in for second… givings? at least twice more before she finishes him off.

This may or may not be two Redback Spiders

Male Redback spiders either have an incredible sense of duty or are some of the dumbest things on the planet. - Source

Bedbugs:

Alright here is one where the male makes off a little better than our last two mama’s boys. This guy is not about to be told what to do and in no way will he endanger himself. We aren’t sure if he has a system to pick a mate or if he just goes with whoever is closest. There isn’t much evidence of the female doing any sort of enticing either. Probably because she knows what’s coming. What pray tell is that? Traumatic insemination. It actually sounds better than what really happens. It sounds like they force themselves onto the female and do whatever they want. Instead they completely ignore the female sex organs and impales the female’s body cavity with their medieval lance-like dick.

Don't let the bedbugs bite, or stab you with their dick

They don’t talk much about what happens afterwards. I assume the female limps around long enough to have the babies then dies and the male just looks for someone else to stab. - Source

Fire ants:

Ants have a very interesting and complex living structure. It’s broken down between the queen, female workers and male drones. The workers have no need for the males and so in an effort to keep things as neat and tidy as possible they kill them any chance they get. Now the drones aren’t big fans of this but they can’t do much about it and no one seems to care. The queen does occasionally need drones to mate with though and the colony won’t last long if the stupid short sighted females kill all the males.

This was the second link that came up when I google "queen ant" so I assume it's accurate

So the queen calls the females out on their killing ability and lays as many male eggs as possible. The females drop everything they are doing and go into killing overdrive. The plan is that at least one male will be competent enough to survive and mate with the queen so she can once again be able to regulate the sex ratio in the colony. Also the males die after mating so it’s kind of a lose lose for them. It’s got to be pretty rough for the male drones when the queen isn’t looking for a hubby. - Source

Banana slug:

These guys are hermaphroditic which means they have both male and female reproductive organs. They are also capable of self fertilization. The fact that they are on this list tells you that they opt for a much worse method instead. First off they release a slime to attract a mate. Each slug will eat the others slime to determine if it’s worth mating. Trust me this is a big decision. At this point I want to point out that most Banana Slugs are roughly six to eight inches in length and sport a dick that is also roughly(no kidding) six to eight inches in length.(it’s latin name is dolichyphallus aka giant penis)

It's body is hidden behind his dick

What happens after fertilization scientists call apophallation. The dick gets stuck inside its mate. I hate it when that happens. Apparently the only way to remedy the situation is for one of them to bite off the penis. Afterwards I suppose they just go their separate ways and never talk about it again. - Source

Bees:

There are a few bees that use this method of procreation. Once a queen bee has become sexually mature and killed off her rivals she goes on a little joy flight with the cream of the crop of the male drone population.(about a dozen out of tens of thousands) They vie to be the one who’s genes get to create the next generation.

Bumble Bee always wins

For the winner it is a bitter sweet victory. They do get a few minutes of bliss but this is followed by… you guessed it…. Their balls exploding off their body and plugging a hole in the queens baby canal. This evolutionary act makes sure that only one drone gets to fertilize the queen and maintain a healthy generation. This is probably not much of a condolence for the dead bee with the exploded genitals. This sheds a whole new light on that Bee Movie with Jerry Seinfeld. - Source

...and what is the deal with exploding genitals?

Anyone who felt humans had the most disturbing sexual behavior have hopefully changed their mind. Demented and insane people aside, no person would do the types of things that have been mentioned above. So if you see any of these animals you might be doing them a favor when you crush them under your shoe. It’s a much more merciful death than what some of their friends may experience.

Science fiction films draw a certain type of person. That person tends to be interested in adventures and space and the unknown. Also, depending on the intensity of a given science fiction fan they may be a virgin, overweight, and possibly live in their parents basement.

If Bill Gates and Mankind had a kid

A trademark of any science fiction movie is some sort of extra terrestrial life. Some of them are human looking, some are hot, and others are just completely ridiculous. Here are a few aliens from different movies that you may or may not want to hook up with and why it’s probably a terrible idea.

Mystique:

She was the shape shifting mutant from the X-Men. She was hot in the cartoons and was made extra hot in the movies when she was played by Rebecca Romijn Stamos. I think she was able to mimic some powers such as Wolverine’s claws so I would assume that ability can transfer to looking like someone with enormous breasts.

Except she's blue

She was also on the ‘bad guys’ side and fighting against the X-Men but I’m sure if you were both big Magneto supporters things might work out between the two of you. Then again she has killed quite a few people and will do whatever Magneto says so make sure you don’t cross him. Also you would have to stay on your toes because she could come onto you as some other hot chick. And you could cheat on her. With her. That’s no good for anyone.

Sil:

This is the alien from the movie Species played by smoking hot Natasha Henstridge. For most of the movie she looks like a super model and is only about 5 months old.

Is this considered child porn?

Not sure if that means she will be old and decrepit by the time she is two years old. Let’s assume her species has the ability to look like a 24 year old Swedish model for as long as they want. There is really no upside to bedding this gal. Best case scenario you’re a virgin with a terminal disease and she decides to kill you after sex. Unfortunately if that’s the case she probably won’t want to use you to procreate. Even if she does I’m sure there is some awful process a la Alien when making alien babies. Oh I almost forgot to mention she actually looks like this…

No one wants to be part of making any more of those. If you see her coming try to hide cause you won’t out run her. If she does catch you just be happy you won’t be around for the inevitable apocalypse once her kids hatch.

Jenny aka G-Girl:

This is Uma Thurman’s character from the film My Super Ex-Girlfriend who like most her roles can look very hot while she is trying to kill someone. She is a super hero who gained her powers from some random meteor she got too close to when she was a teenager. In case you thought this movie sounded really bad already then you would be correct.

She almost looks good enough to make me see this movie

Her non super hero persona is very shy and not very good around guys. She meets Luke Wilson whose character has mastered the art of making even the most insecure women comfortable. She gets super jealous when she sees him with another girl and shenanigans ensue. At one point she throws a great white shark at the couple. Toward the end she loses her powers, then gets them back, but so does the other girl and then they fight but make up, and Jenny ends up dating her arch rival from throughout the movie. Or something. Look avoid this whole situation. She seems to be a drama queen and totally not worth the hassle.

Serleena:

This is the antagonist from Men in Black II. Let’s start off with the pros. She is a shape shifter who is posing as a lingerie model.

That means if you wanted to sleep with a female version of the kid from the Whopper Jr. commercials, she can pull that off. She’s also a go getter and an independent girl so that may work for the stay at home dad fellas out there. Unfortunately she is a bit sadistic and really has no problem hurting and killing people. So once again as long as you’re sure you won’t piss her off it might be worth a shot. I mentioned she is a shape shifter which was a pretty attribute for her species since their true form is that of a Lernaean Hydra aka the one Kevin Sorbo fights in Hercules.

Great show

In the movie she manages to somehow take that form while wearing her pants suit which is a little difficult to explain. My recommendation would be to stay away from this one.

Cylons:

Now for anyone who is a fan of the original or new Battlestar Galactica series I am talking about the hot ones from the new series and not the Tin Man 2.0 version from the original series.

If I only had a brain

These Cylons were meant to look exactly like humans in every way which was so much easier than buying costumes for everyone. The female ones were also drop dead gorgeous and completely capable of having sex. The downside was that they can’t always produce children. So you’re really rolling the dice if you’re trying to start a family and you would probably have to move to a state where that kind of thing is legal. On the up side you never need to worry about a rubber. The other risk you’re taking is that these are machines and much stronger than you. So if you find one with a short temper you may end up getting hurt and if you’re into spousal abuse you have an unpleasant surprise coming your way.

This one is definitely a toss up

So as you can see looks aren’t everything. You have to consider tentacles, aggressiveness, and any desires to eradicate the human race. If any aliens have the technology to get here they most likely have the technology to destroy us. Some of them decide to give us some eye candy before they do it which is considerate. As a rule of thumb if you’re the type of guy who can’t get semi attractive girls to notice you and one that looks like a super model seems very interested, then my advice is to assume she wants something from you and it won’t be pleasant.

Celebrities are notorious for doing things that regular non famous people would never get away with. They pay people off or just get treated with a double standard. At what point does someone cross the point where they think they can do whatever they want? In high school star athletes could get away with skipping class not doing their homework but they rarely broke any serious laws. Some people have reached the point where they feel they are above the law and just don’t give a shit. Here are a few cases where people thought they could do whatever the hell they wanted.

Paul Reubens:

Reubens is much better known for his role as Pee Wee Herman. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is a classic film for any kid who watched it. Needless to say looking back Pee Wee had his issues.

Don't even pretend like this surprises you

While he was taking a break from making movies he decided to visit his parents in South Florida. They must have been pretty boring because he decided to check out an adult movie theater called the South Trail Cinema. Is it a little weird that he knew where the closest one of those was? He was caught masturbating by a cop and within a day the media was all over it and his career was basically over. - Source

Vikings Sex Boat:

Football players are often caught up in illegal activities. Many support old friends who are rarely a good influence on them. These friends in turn don’t understand why supporting their cocaine hobby is a bad idea.

Don't worry man it's legit. I just need like 750k for start up costs.

They are pampered throughout their whole career and aren’t used to hearing no. In 2005 members of the Minnesota Vikings football team decided to have a booze cruise/orgy party out on the lake. It’s a well known fact that Minnesota has shitty prostitutes so they had some flown in from Atlanta and Florida. They left used condoms all over the boat and were noticed urinating on someone’s lawn after they disembarked. Needless to say they weren’t very subtle about the whole affair and an anonymous player claimed this was not the first time something like this had happened.

The first time

A group of the players were charged with misdemeanors and chewed out by the Vikings owner and some fines were issued but none of the players received any significant penalties. Now it’s spoofed and sometimes called the “Love Boat Scandal” so it’s pretty clear that no one got too bent out of shape over it. - Source

Rick James:

Rick James is best known for his music, doing crack cocaine, and slapping Charlie Murphy.

Pop quiz: Was Rick James coked up during this photo shoot?

He less known hobbies include kidnapping and torture. In 1991 he met with music executive Mary Sauger who was expecting to talk business with James and his future wife Tanya. Instead a coked up James decided that kidnapping Mary and beating her for approximately 20 hours was his best career move. Two years later, while still on bail for his previous incident, James and Tanya were accused of kidnapping 24 year old Frances Alley for up to six days. During that time they kept her tied up, forced her to do sexual acts, burned her with a crack pipe, and constantly asking her ‘what did the five fingers say to the face?’. He was sentences to two years in Folsom prison but avoided the torture charge. He was high on crack for the entirety of each incident and as he put it best… cocaine’s a hell of a drug. - Source

Anand jon Alexander:

His name may not be as recognizable as the others on this list. He appeared on America’s Next Top Model and had risen to fame in the fashion industry. He just had one small problem. He was a serial child molester and serial rapist and apparently when this guy does something he goes all out. He was convicted of forcibly raping, as compared to agreeably raping, seven girls between the ages of 14 and 21.

M. Night Shyamalan?

He is currently sentenced to 59 years to life in prison but there are over 40 pending charges he will face in New York within the next year involving 12 other girls and additional charges in Texas and Massachusetts. He will probably be facing multiple life sentences in federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison which seems pretty fitting for his crimes. - Source

Joe Son:

This guy has had quite the interesting career. He was an MMA fighter and is best known for being that guy who got punched in the balls repeatedly. After leaving that arena with an impressive record of 0-4 he somehow landed a movie role in Austin Powers as Random Task, a character spoofing Odd Job from the Bond movies.

Arguably the high point of his career

In May he plead guilty to a felony vandalism charge which required him to give a DNA sample. Apparently he didn’t think DNA was used in rape cases and when this was processed it was linked to an unsolved crime involving a gang rape that took place in 1990. He has yet to enter a plea but is facing 275 years if convicted. It has not been determined if his sentence will involve him getting punched in the balls anymore. - Source

R Kelly:

R. Kelly has the unfortunate luck to be best known for being accused of peeing on a girl which was perpetuated with a few skits on Chapelle’s Show.

I may owe Dave Chapelle money after this article

His most publicized legal troubles did involve him allegedly taping himself having sex with an underage girl. It took a long time to go to court and involved hold ups including Kelly undergoing surgery for a burst appendix and the judge taking medical leave after a fall resulting in some broken bones. He was never convicted which may have been due in large part to the parents of the girl arguing she was not the girl in the video. He was charged with having pictures of an underage girl in 1997 but the charges were dropped due illegal search procedures. He also was accused of assault in two different instances but both charges were dropped. Apparently he is often wrongly accused, has an incredible lawyer, or is just really good at threatening people who try to get him in any legal trouble. - Source

Celebrities will never stop doing stupid things to try to ruin their careers. They assume they will be able to get out of it in some way. As some people say, any publicity is good publicity. If you’re talented and you can make money it doesn’t matter how much a douche you are. Just look at Kanye.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is one of the most successful movies in recent history.  It has led to two very successful sequels along with a spin off porno.  The first of those simply entitled Pirates was a mile stone production in the industry.  Both have beautiful women, fight scenes, special effects, swashbucklers, sea battles and the common theme of adventure and danger on the high seas.

Swashbucklers

They both also have extremely complicated plots that can be hard to follow and occasionally have no regard for common sense. For all their similarities the two movies also have some major differences.(Also I’m going to assume people have seen the non-porn one already)

Plot:

Like I mentioned before both movies have plenty of plot twists and both focus on the blood of a slightly effeminate male character. At least in the porn version it doesn’t take the bad guys over an hour to figure out who’s blood they actually need.

It's a good thing we have the right girl otherwise the first hour and twenty minutes of this movie would be meaningless

Captain Stagnetti and his crew attack a ship and demand for the one they want to step forward. I’m not sure if they knew what ship to look for or if their plan was to just attack every ship they came across. Once they had their man they sailed to an island that is run completely by mercenaries, pirates, and prostitutes. Has everyone ever explained how those economies maintain themselves? There is also an Incan priest they need to find. I guess the writes weren’t aware that the Incan empire collapsed hundreds of years ago.

Incan empire: circa at least hundred years before Pirates

The good guys are unable to find the bad guys even though the island consists of one street, a bar, a brothel and a church. They are also side tracked with multiple sexual encounters such as blackmailing for sex in a burning building and kidnapping some chick for a bachelor party. I won’t spoil the ending but there is climax(one of many) when all the characters finally meet up. The biggest difference from the non-porn version is that there is a lot more sex and it’s about an hour shorter because the bad guys find the right person for their sacrifice much earlier in the porn version.

Not much of this in the original Disney film

The main themes are similar but the porn version was definitely original enough to stand on its own.

Characters:

Obviously the star power and unique characters created in the original Pirates helped it immensely. The porn version didn’t have anyone too memorable but they held their own. So in no particular here is a quick comparison of the characters.

Manuel/Orlando Bloom: Manuel is the guy who’s blood the bad guys are after. After getting some action from his wife he is promptly captured and spends the majority of the movie tied up. This is one aspect where the original could have improved upon. Will Taylor was a necessary character but no one really felt bad when Elizabeth showed interest in Jack. I guess he did lead to some comic relief where as Manuel just was tied up and looked frustrated when everyone else was having sex. Also, as I stated above, both are pretty effeminate.

Jules and Isabella and Serena/Kiera Knightly: Regardless of how you feel about Elizabeth Swan it took two or three characters to replace her in the porn remake. This is due to two reasons. First off they probably couldn’t find any porn stars that could play the strong independent type who is being sought after by three men, could use a sword, and still occasionally scream at a high enough pitch to shatter a glass. Second, it means there are a lot more hot girls to get naked. Isabella is Manuel’s wife. I’m fairly certain the actress who played her can’t swim because her character gets thrown into the water and they used a dummy instead. Not even a stunt double. It was just this limp thing in a while dress splashing into the water.

Serena threatening Jules right before they make out

Jules is the tough one and is more capable than the captain. Basically the plot doesn’t move forward without her. Serena is just the anti Jules. She is on the bad guy’s crew and exists just so there are boobs in the scenes that only feature the bad guys.  This is also a good time to mention that the evil pirates crew consists of like five people.

Marco/Johnny Depp: This was probably the most disappointing character but I suppose no one can really compare to Captain Jack Sparrow. He had so much great dialog and many of his lines, especially the ones involving rum, I try to use in my everyday life. He is by far the most popular character in the movie.

In this video:  The Fucking Man

Marco on the other hand makes his appearance by whining about how his life is over since he broke up with Jules. He had been with her for like a month. He doesn’t really have much more influence on the movie. Come to think of it, I don’t really know why he was in the movie. He doesn’t even sleep with anyone. All in all he is pretty much the exact opposite of Sparrow.

Captain Stagnetti/Captain Barbosa: If you were reading the scripts these two characters would almost be the same person. They both kidnap people to get what they want, are cruel and don’t care what happens to anyone else. One of the differences is that Stagnetti has a glass eye. There needs to be at least one person with one of those and I guess they didn’t feel like adding an extra crew member just to accommodate the ‘pirate movies must include at least one person with a glass eye’ rule. Stagnetti also doesn’t have an undead monkey. They probably didn’t have enough money to CGI one or take the time to train a live one. Geoffrey Rush did an incredible job at portraying the captain of the undead crew. It also helped that he was over 30. Stagnetti was probably like 27, wasn’t over six feet tall, had a huge fake beard, and sounded like a kid trying to impersonate an adult.

He also rocked a leather vest and a jigsaw peice necklace

Captain Edward/ Commodore Norrington: Both of these guys were kind of tools but the Commodore was incredible more competent. The Commodore could command a ship, navigate, and use his sword in combat. Captain Edward looked like a cross between Aaron Eckhart and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character from Boogie Nights.

What does this steering wheel do if there are no tires?

He also opening admits he’s never stepped foot onto a ship before, but at least he doesn’t rock a powdered wig.

There are plenty of other differences between the two films but most concern production value and special effects and dialog and other things that no one expects to be of equal value in these two movies. Here are a few other parts of the porno version I enjoyed.

Captain Edward keeps a diary and in said diary mentions how the crew is always in such good spirits and credits it to Jules’ late night Bible studies where he can hear their screams of exaltation through the walls.

The phrase ‘scurvy vagina’ was used.

One character is concerned of their actions showing up in the newspaper, which I don’t think existed in the time period.

Inside a burning building one girl refuses to untie Edward until he has sex with her. After the fact he ties her up for being batshit insane.

Half the people in the credits only have one name.

When I think of nudist beaches or resorts two pictures pop into my head which happen to be in stark contrast. One is just gorgeous women as far as the eye can see sun tanning and continuously walking out of the water looking like that bond chick from Dr No.(sans the white bikini)

Not that I'm complaining

The other is group of overweight, middle aged men and women just sort of standing around making me awkward. I would like to think the real thing is between those two extremes. A mixed bag of sorts. Here are a few of the most exclusive beaches/resorts that cater towards the clothing optional market.

Desire Resort and Spa Cancun, Mexico:

The website for this resort makes it seem more like my first impression I mentioned above. It’s all beautiful people enjoying each other company in the nude or wearing very revealing outfits in exotic fancy settings.

I could get used to that

It is located on the bay of Petempich on the Riviera Maya which is close enough to Cancun if you’d like to make the trip but also far enough to stay all the douchebags at MTV spring break. The accommodations, cuisine, and locales are all luxurious and all inclusive. Desire is a couples only resort so you can make it an intimate vacation destination or try to meet some fellow swingers. It does not specify a requirement of heterosexual couples either. If clothing optional is your preference this is by far the place to go in Cancun and possibly in all of Mexico. - Source

Club Orient, St. Martin, Caribbean:

The picturesque description of Club Orient reminds me of Port Royal from Pirates of the Caribbean. It is located on the famous Orient Bay in French St. Martin. Surprisingly not near actual Orient or France. It allows guests to choose from a relaxing and serene trip, a little adventure sailing and diving, or partying it up a bit in its restaurant and dance club.

I think she got kicked off the island for wearing too many clothes

Since it can boast a year round temperature of 85 degrees it has events at all times of the year including Oktoberfest and Halloween. One of their many evening activities include the limbo.  This is also advertised as a family resort so many guests will bring along their babies who feel less ostracized since they don’t have much of a wardrobe yet. - Source

Vritomartis Hotel Plakias, Crete:

On the island of Crete there are some designated beaches where nudity is allowed. Elsewhere it is technically illegal. Authorities are usually lax unless someone does it near people who may be offended. Like within sight of a church or day care for example.

C'mon now!

The Vritomartis Hotel is one place where nudity is promoted. It is slightly different than some of the “anything goes” type resorts. You are required to wear clothes in the main lobby and in public areas. The grounds, sports courts, and walking paths are clothing optional. The beach and pool are all nude unless you’re going to be that guy. The island is absolutely beautiful as is the surrounding islands and water so it’s very easy to enjoy everything the resort has to offer without getting naked. Of course it’s still at the risk of being that guy. - Source

Valalta, Croatia:

The Valalta Naturist Camp, which isn’t for dirty hippies even though the name may insinuate that, has gained the reputation of unquestionable quality in the clothing optional tourist industry.

Best summer camp ever!

It was established in the 1960s and offers a beautiful classic Mediterranean environment. The cleanliness and immaculate service is second to none and the landscape will please even the most spoiled vacationers. It provides a safe and luxurious experience for you or an entire family to enjoy any of the amenities anytime they like. This is all even more impressive considering it’s located in Croatia. - Source

Haulover Beach, Florida:

This isn’t one of the most exclusive places to go nor is it even a resort, but the US had to be represented somewhere on this list. Haulover Beach is a half mile stretch of white sand that is surrounded by signs, warnings, and hopefully a list of things that doing naked are frowned upon. Southern Florida may contain some of the hottest women in the world but people of all types will travel to this piece of sand to avoid tan lines. It does boast a laidback judgment free atmosphere so you never know what you may run across. It isn’t uncommon for this small beach to have over 1,000 people enjoying the sun. There is also a gay nude section and a nude volleyball court. Not sure why the reviewer felt the need to put those two points in the same sentence. - Source

Pretty much

Gunnison Beach, New Jersey:

Once again this is a beach not a resort and I’m sure no one expected to see the dirty Jerz on this list but Gunnison has some interesting history. It gained its name from a fort built to protect New York Harbor in the 1800s and years later in the late 70s it became a popular place for soldiers to skinny dip. When New Jersey passed nudism legislation(I wish I could have sat in on that meeting of Congress) Gunnison became the only legal nude beach in the state and has become the largest clothing optional recreation area on the East Coast. It offers dramatic views of lower Manhattan and the Verrazano Narrows Bridge and can see 5,000 naturalist on a busy summer weekend.

Something to tell the grandkids

It’s last claim to fame is the Guinness World Record for the largest skinny dip with the official count being 808 skinny dippers - Source

Twin Falls Resort Ellenborough, New South Wales:

Nude and Nature intended! Is the motto of this Australian naturalist resort in Ellenborough. They sport 100 acres of rainforest and native bush to explore like your Adam and Eve without the added pressure of damning the human race for all existence. This is a lot different from any other location on the list. It is not your usual nudist resort. That is, assuming you already had an idea. It proudly claims it is not a resort or motel and that “We are NOT clothing optional – unless it is cold…”. This is those who like to rough it a little bit and be one with nature… and not wear clothes. It even has a disclaimer you are required to sign agreeing that Twin Falls is not responsible for any injuries that may occur on the premises. They also warn against trying to kill any snakes you find and beware of ticks, leeches and other biting insects. Basically this is where Bear Grylls would vacation. - Source

Bear Grylls thinks he's at Twin Falls

These are some of the best resorts but by no means are they the only ones. There are many more of all the types mentioned above. Advertisements tend to never show any out of shape people but rest assured they exist and they don’t care if they disgust you. Hopefully you don’t care what others think either and can simply enjoy whatever these different resorts and locales have to offer.

There is an incredible amount of porn out there and its quality varies significantly. At one end of the spectrum there are huge productions like the Pirates movies that have big name actresses and special effects. On the other end there some chick taking pictures of herself with her top off. Now the latter is fine when it’s a text from your girlfriend or something like that. Anytime someone goes looking for porn they want a little bit more than that. The only time it’s semi acceptable is with something like Girls Gone Wild. The quality with that stuff isn’t great but no one expects it to be and it’s all spur of the moment. What’s really pathetic is the amateur stuff that tries to be mainstream and fails miserably. Here are some reasons why.

Camera work:

Any quality film will have a camera guy. It’s this person’s profession and he should have some schooling or training. Also it’s this person’s only job so he can concentrate on it and hone his skill. These are the reasons he is called the cameraman. In an amateur video there is no such person. There is a guy who is in charge of the camera, and he may or may not be holding/operating it but, even if he claims otherwise, he is not the cameraman. There are only three ways that amateur porn is filmed. The first, which is the closest to the cameraman, is the guy who is doing his best to hold a camcorder very still and tape his friend hooking up with some chick. He was probably too embarrassed to get naked on film or the girl refused to sleep with him.

Not really a cameraman

The second type is the tripod. This may be one of the most common methods. You set up the view you want and it supplies a steady picture. You just need to know where the record button is and not forget film and you can pull off the tripod method. Lastly, and rarely used, is the handheld method where the guy doing the scene is also attempting to film at the same time. This does take some skill but no one can really pull it off and it usually ends up looking like the Blair Witch porno spoof.

Directing/Producing:

In legitimate porn someone is in charge of what everything costs, getting everything set up, organizing the actors and set and making sure everything happens when and how it’s supposed to. These people are paid for what they do and often times have agents who promote their experience and help find them work. Once again in amateur porn this doesn’t always actually exist. There may be a guy who “kinda put the thing together” but that’s usually the extent of it.

"Hurry up! My mom will be home in an hour"

Half the time there isn’t a director or producer credited because the people making the film don’t even know how to do make credits appear on screen. If they do it’s always redundant because it’s one or two guys that put the whole thing together and they just did it so they could see their names a bunch of times. Also there’s nothing really to produce. No one is keeping track of film costs and actor salaries. Casting probably consisted of one guy saying “hey I’ll give you 100 bucks to sleep with my friend and let us tape it.” Basically the ‘producer’ is the only one who could convince him mom to let him make a movie in the basement.

Actors/Actresses:

So let’s assume you’ve watched one porn flick every week for the past ten years and that each one only had two people in it. That means ignoring watching the same person more than once you’ve seen over 1,000 different porno actors/actresses. This is only one person. I don’t even know what to multiply that to consider everyone else that watches porn. I admittedly did not pay much attention in statistics. What I’m trying to get at here is that there are a huge number of people participating in porn. Amateur porn consists of people who couldn’t break into this field of thousands and thousands of people. The ones who star in professional porns were probably strippers or waitresses in Hollywood when they were younger and got discovered by a big time producer. That’s how it works. Haven’t you ever seen Boogie Nights? It’s exactly like that. No one discovered amateur porn stars. There isn’t even any market opinion of if the actresses are hot. The two people having sex hopefully find each other attractive but that’s pretty much it. Amateur porn actresses are kind of like the kids who couldn’t make the track team in high school even though they don’t make any cuts.

Amateur porn stars

Setting:

The setting isn’t terribly important once the action gets started, but it is important for foreplay, scenes leading up to sex and the occasional attempt at a plot. Some films try to make a pseudo real movie that just happens to include a large amount of sex and nudity. You may not be able to describe an amateur porn set off the top of your head but you know it when you see it. It will usually involve a bed or possibly a couch. This depends if one of the people actually own their own house or apartment and don’t mind other people getting busy where they like to watch Monday night football. The other classic look is the plain looking room with the ever present drapes or curtains that are supposed to hide wall paper or paintings that would ruin the mood.

Not pictured: Quality

The camera is always set in one spot(refer to the tripod setup above) where all the action takes place. People will usually enter the screen from the same side because the room is probably too small and doesn’t have space on the other side. Also there are long breaks between someone walking off and back onto the screen. They are most likely adjusting the camera(refer to director/producer/cameraman above).

Editing:

People have become a little spoiled with special effects recently. They watch a movie that was made ten years ago and can’t believe how awful everything looks. Most don’t realize the technology and expertise that goes into making a movie like Transformers look the way it does. When was the last time you tried to make a video with any kind of effects? A high school science project? How terrible were all of those? This is the caliber of effects we’re talking about here.

My powerpoint presentation on Oprah

You know it’s not top notch when the transitions are the equivalent of what you did in your latest powerpoint presentation. Honestly, I don’t think I would enjoy anything with production value that I could duplicate and unless you’re a film maker neither should you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is no good reason to watch amateur porn. It is lower quality in every aspect and there is plenty of free non amateur porn to enjoy. Basically just consider what a buddy of yours would do if he tried to make a porno, and that’s what you can expect.

The celebrity nipple slip has become part of our culture. It’s been going on forever. I like to assume Eve had a ton of them before they figured out the whole clothes thing. It wasn’t until late in 20^th century that generation X or one of those lettered generations finally gave the incident the uncouth name ‘nipple slip.’ Before that it was just unbecoming behavior or witchcraft depending on where you lived. It was also much less likely to happen back then due to the popular fashion of the time. These days women wear clothes that have a chance of falling off even if they stay completely still. In our fast paced times people are constantly on the move which exponentially increases the chances of a nipple slip and the results are what follows. (Also there is an amazing video at the end of this.)

Lindsay Lohan:

It’s no secret that Lohan is a bit of a hot mess. I have to admit when I first looked into this I expected to have to find a bunch of different occurrences. Surprisingly it’s only happened to her once. She was frolicking around in the ocean in a bikini that had absolutely no chance of covering her for very long. This was probably the most inevitable event on this list. With the amount of cameras that follow her on a daily basis, her lifestyle, her drug use, and her need to wear skimpy clothing it was only a matter of time before it happened. There is no doubt it will happen again and if it’s possible people will be even less surprised than they were the first time.

Paris Hilton:

I think we can agree that keeping track of when Paris Hilton did something to get attention or has some sort of clothing malfunction can be a part time job. It’s sad, but there is probably an entire department at TMZ or E! that is entirely devoted to Paris. There may be multiple nipple slips for Paris but many are inconclusive or photo shopped. Once again the one I focused on happened at the beach. Paris is wearing a suit that looks like something out of that Aeon Flux movie. Personally I would much rather stare at Charlize Theron than Paris. Reports also claims she was attempting to surf at the beach. No picture has a surf board anywhere in sight and there is no way she actually pulled it off. Just the fact that Paris Hilton’s My New BFF actually exists doesn’t say much for the human race.

Tara Reid:

Reid is best known as a party girl. She hosted a show called Wild On! where she basically just acted like it was the first day of senior week for three or four months. Unfortunately the drinking and the partying took a toll on her body and she doesn’t look like she did in Van Wilder. This nipple slip took place at Puff Daddy’s ( I refuse to research what he’s going by at this specific date) 35^th birthday party. He tends to go all out, especially if it’s about him so there was a red carpet with a ton of media. Reid was posing for some pictures and didn’t seem to notice her loose fitting top had fallen off her shoulder and her entire breast was exposed. I don’t know how you don’t notice that but that’s not even the best part. My favorite part is that no one felt like telling her what had happened. They just got as many pictures as they could before someone else helped her out. It’s good to see where our priorities are.

Sophie Marceau:

Many people may not recognize the name but Marceau is a famous French actress. She is very famous abroad and has made international appearances in Braveheart and The World Is Not Enough. In the bond flick she is the hot chick that tortures 007 before getting shot and she is the queen in Braveheart who fails to stop Mel Gibson from getting tortured. During the 2005 Cannes Film Festival(that one from Entourage) she loses her top and obviously there was at least one camera trained on her to catch the show. At least she is more aware of her surroundings than Reid was and notices what happened instantly and is able to fix it quickly. If you are upset you didn’t get to see more she has appeared nude in some French films. Look into it.

Courtney Cox Arquette:

You may have heard of Cox from her starring role in that allegedly popular show Friends. The one where six semi employed people in their 20s can afford an amazing New York City apartment. You may know her husband David Arquette from the Scream movies and… um, marrying that chick from Friends. Once again this slip up happened at the beach. This wasn’t as much a problem with the outfit as much as an oversight of who was around her. She is holding her daughter Coco ( Coco Cox-Arquette? I almost feel bad for celebrity children) who tries to help her mom avoid embarrassing tan lines and pulls half her bathing suit off. This is just a cute little kid story except for the fact that the mom is famous. When you’re famous people with no life follow you to the beach and try to make money off private family moments.

Lucy Lawless:

Lawless is best known for her role as Xena the Warrior Princess. Is it just me or was there ever any mention of her being actual royalty? You remember that battle cry she had right? Everyone loved that noise. I even tried to make it my ring tone except I didn’t own a cell phone and downloadable ring tones weren’t really invented back then. Somehow she got a gig singing the national anthem at a hockey game. She had an interesting showgirl type outfit on but for 90% of the anthem she had a big coat on. Then someone decided to take the coat off right at the end of the song. This was followed by her raising both her arms simultaneously singing “home of the brave” and flashing her nipple to thousands in the stadium and many more watching the Disney owned television station.

As you can see the nipple slip has become almost common place. No one seems to be that bothered by it besides children’s network sponsors. Most the people who have had multiple incidents aren’t making any effort to adjust what they wear and probably consider it free publicity. No matter what they say hot people are not self conscious and only feign annoyance when people see them naked. It’s basically become the classy way to flash your tits and avoid ridicule for agreeing to pose naked in front of cameras. As promised here is a fantastic nipple slip compilation video.

There are thousands of women getting naked and having sex on film for money but only a choice few really are able to make a career out of it.  Even a smaller percentage are able to set up enterprises to make money once they are no longer in front of the camera.  Here are the best of the best in the adult entertainment industry.

5. Hillary Scott

Hillary grew up in Naperville, Illinois where she lost her virginity at 16 and her high school sweet heart was a chick. After high school she worked at a bank selling mortgages. It’s a little known fact that 82% of all porn stars sold mortgages at one point in their lives.[citation needed] She wasn’t a fan of the uniform or restrictions on her piercings so she came to LA to enter the adult film industry. She stared in a few low budget films and ended up winning awards for “Best Oral Scene” and “Best Group Scene”. She also was awarded the title Orgasmic Oralist, which should be every girls goal to achieve at some point.

Orgasmic Oralist

She was the first guest on Howard Stern’s spoof of Inside the Actors Studio and later on the Howard Stern radio show. It was there she announced, after playing the anal ring toss game I assume, that she had signed the largest porn contract in history which was with SexZ Pictures and was for one million dollars over four years. She didn’t finish out the contract and now books her own scenes. Hopefully she has the title Orgasmic Oralist on her business card. - Source

4. Houston:

Houston was discovered while dancing in the Tropicana strip club by adult film director Peter Davy. She got a contract and was earning $1,000 a month before leaving for Metro Global Media. It was there in 1999 that she had her most famous exploit in the film Houston 500 when she had sex with about 620 men without interruption.

Did they make a remake after they got the final count?

Don’t even ask about the number discrepancy. I think everyone was fine with it since it was above and not below the number in the title. In the same year she claimed to be pulling in over a million including $20,000 a pop strip club appearances. In one of her over 50 appearances on the Howard Stern show she announced she was getting her labia surgically trimmed to make it look better in close up shots and because it was causing her problems while stripping. Apparently every other stripper just deals with this problem or Houston’s was just out of control. Either way she got rid of it and sold the piece for $10,000 at an online auction.

She tried to start a music career but since it was summarized in one sentence on Wikipedia I doubt it ever took off. In 2000 she appeared on a VH1 special and unfortunately you know that’s usually the last stop for someone’s career in the entertainment industry. - Source

3. Maria Takagi

Maria has been out of the business since 2004 but she made the list by getting it done for those two years. It helped that she was from Japan. She was incredibly hot and talented and was basically the Tiger Woods of the Japanese adult film industry. At the XCity’s Adult Video Grand Prix Awards she took home best new actress, best actress, best video title, best conversation, and prettiest face in 2003. Best conversation? That sounds like something one of the producers did as a joke then accidentally got put in the real show. Besides that it’s pretty impressive since she is competing against almost a billion Asians.

Lots of competition

She signed her big contract with Max A worth about 300 million yen which came out to about $86,000 per film. I think the Japanese are a little better at math than the people Houston works for. Currently she is doing mainstream dramas and movies in Japan which probably means no one outside of Japan will ever see them. - Source

2. Tera Patrick

Tera, named at birth Linda Ann Hopkins Shapiro, started off strong in the modeling industry and had been noticed before she turned 16. She did a lot of work in Europe and Asia then decided to come back t o U.S. and earned a biology degree at Boise State. After that she received a degree as an EMT and officially become the hottest real life nurse ever.

Except hotter and more qualified

She had gone into nursing to help ‘give back’ but she felt she had given enough and went back into modeling. She was in basically every magazine and is still the only woman to be on the covers of Playboy and Penthouse at the same time. By 1999 she felt not enough people had seen her naked and started doing some soft core films and in 2000 appeared in her first hard core feature. Her and her new husband Evan Seinfeld started Teravision which has exploded as a quality adult film producer and contractor. She is the president of Teravision which is worth about 30 million and remains very active in the adult film industry and also raises money for breast cancer awareness. She is basically the Mr. Rogers of the porno industry. - Source

1. Jenna Jameson

Jenna started her film career in 1993 and is considered the most famous porn star ever. She has won award after award and absolutely killed it with Briana Loves Jenna which was produced by her entertainment company Club Jenna in 2001. In the same year she earned $60,000 for a day and a half shoot and could earn up to $25,000 a night dancing. How much have you ever made just to have sex? Less than what you’ve ever paid someone to have sex? In 2004 her autobiography came out which was co-written(read, entirely written) by Neil Strauss and it was on the NY Times Best Seller list for six weeks. At one point Pony planned to feature her in a shoe advertisement which made Bill O’Reilly flip out.

Nobody likes you and crying about it won't help

She sent his show an email stating that the tapes of her he had purchased must have been for strictly professional reasons. Bravo. Any enemy of Bill O’Reilly is a friend of mine. Playboy has since acquired her company ClubJenna which was bringing in yearly revenues of $30 million and I have a feeling she can live a very comfortable life on whatever she got for the company. - Source

Honorable Mention Peter North/Ron Jeremy:

In case you weren’t aware women make a shit load more than men in the porn industry. They make at least two to three times more than men. For whatever reason there aren’t as many male actors who have gone on to create their own companies. It may be due to the face recognition that women have. I still feel it’s only fair to mention these two. They are the two most popular guys in the whole industry and have made thousands of films between the two of them. The amount of cum they have given to the industry can probably fill a small sea. They should get some recognition for that. Too bad North has fallen out of the spot light and Ron Jeremy is getting screamed at by Vanilla Ice.

Then again I struggle to feel bad for people who got to screw the above people on this list for a living.

This recession is affecting everyone. Some have to cut costs, some companies are closing, a lot of people are unemployed and people are skimping on their electric bill to maintain their porn site subscriptions. I think it’s safe to say porn related expenses have been affected the least from downturn in the economy. So adult entertainment companies need to keep supplying the public with what they want. Unfortunately they aren’t immune to the economic problems so to avoid going out of business they need to cut some corners. Here are some suggestions for those companies that want to weather the storm.

Location:

Obviously the setting is important to set the mood. Big beds, silk sheets, decorations, music, extras, lighting, etc. So this might be an issue for people who prefer to only watch porn that takes place in exotic locations such as beautiful beaches and the top of the Eiffel Tower. Those present different problems but some can be dealt with detailed backdrops or some subtle dialog like “Hey, let’s have sex on top of the Eiffel Tower.” Most people don’t have fancy tastes like that and are content as long as someone is getting drilled or blown. It’s pretty easy to minimize the surroundings and just focus on those things. You can use real small rooms, make the bed optional, keep everything dark so there’s nothing else to see, and just stick to close ups the entire time. I don’t know if it exists but the Vagtastic Voyage that was mentioned in Superbad has perfected minimizing costs. They just pick up girls in a windowless van and drive around while they get fucked. Since there are no windows they may even just forget using gas and park in a garage.

The 6 Sigma approach to porn

Models:

Some actresses have made it big doing porn for as long as they can. They are good at what they do and get compensated for it. People will buy things just because of name recognition. I mean imagine if Jenna Jameson sold dildos or Lebron James starred in a porn. They would both be very profitable. In times like these consumers may be ok with a little less quality and start shopping a little smarter. Instead of paying $150 for Lebron’s shoes they may hit up Payless at the local mall.

This is when you know times are tough

Instead of paying top dollar for a Jenna Jameson porno they may be content with anyone with a vagina under 30 years old. Some of the top names are going to have to ‘negotiate’ for price with producers until they can reach an agreeable number. I’m not sure how sexual favors are thought of in the sex industry. Otherwise they are going to go with the no name chick making $2.75/hour waiting tables that will do anything for some extra money. Extortion is one of the first things you learn at porno film school.

I hate my job and my father, where do I sign up?

Film Crew Synergy:

Like I mentioned before many producers still insist on having some sort of plot or set up for the eventual sex scenes. Some of these may involve outdoor shots or other characters or extras. First off, if anything is going to be filmed in public you should just get the tape rolling and see what happens. You’re not going to get any more genuine expressions or emotions from low paid actors than you will from startled pedestrians. Use their reactions or even have dialog with them that can be dubbed over later like kung fu movies. If there are scenes that need specific dialog but no nudity why not grab one of the crew members. Like that asshole who snaps that board and says action. He’s sitting around like 70% of the time so make it worth your while.

Can't you do anything else?

Also, if you have any good looking, shameless crew members see if they want to get in on a scene. They probably get pretty frustrating watching people have sex all day. Let ‘em loose. You might find you’re next star.

Film:

There is one thing I find odd about people that watch porn and I’m not excluding myself. There really isn’t much difference between any one movie and another and yet we feel the need to buy new stuff all the time. Crazy shit like tentacles raping Chinese school girls aside there are a few basic things that happen and that’s about it.

Not one of those basic things

There’s less than 10 camera angles in any movie and even less if you already cut back on scenery and aren’t bothering with any wide shots. So would it be that hard, and more importantly noticeable, if some of those cut scenes were just looped at different times throughout the movie. You’ll notice the same thing in old movies with low budgets. In a car chase they will appear to fly around the same corner three different times. Using this strategy, depending on the number of cameras you have, you could make a 45 minute movie with like 15 minutes of footage. You save on film, overhead expenses, wages for any hourly employees, and lunch break expenses. No one gets a break when you only work for a half hour and this way you can crank out a ton more movies in a shorter amount of time. You could make a whole five movie series in an afternoon.

Advertise:

One way producers can make some extra money to help pay expenses is through advertising. Companies will pay you in exchange for you placing their brand names into different shots. Remember that two hour commercial for Converse that they called I, Robot?

It's also important to be subtle

It’s just like that. Do everything else the same you would otherwise, just make sure when they smoke afterwards that you can clearly see they are smoking brand X. Now I understand there may be fewer things and places to put ads on if you’re already using the cuts I’ve mentioned but the human body is a perfect place for product placement. Instead of some Japanese symbol on the small of her back throw some ads on there instead.

There's no doubt where you're going for a late night snack

So when someone wants to refurnish their deck they are going to think of the Home Depot ad they saw last night when they were rubbing one out.

Best of:

Everyone loves best of CDs. Half the time people will just burn their own mix of their favorite songs by one artist. They always have those big collections from different decades and anytime a musician hasn’t sold a record in a while they come out with a greatest hits.

This dude spent 10 minutes in photoshop and has a new album

The best part about them is that there is hardly ever any new material. At best they throw on what they call bonus tracks. Somehow you’re convinced they are special just cause they aren’t old when in reality it’s like you just a bought a two song CD. This would absolutely work for porno DVDs. The technology to mix and match music is still much easier for most people than trying it with video. People will definitely give out their credit card info for a best of DVD.

As you can see there are plenty of ways to cut corners in tough times. As long as two semi attractive people are going at it people will buy it. Forget the bells and whistles while the economy recovers. As long as producers keep the movies coming people will keep on cumming.