Are you aware of the number and assortment of sex toys that are available to consumers today? Just look at the site hosting this blog. An entire website dedicated to the sale of sex toys. Complete with menus, categories, and sub-categories that make products just a click away. Anytime you have that many options people will start to get creative and use them in ways they were never intended to be used. Most likely violently. We obviously don’t condone violence but just in case it piques people’s interest here are 6 ways that sex toys can double as weapons and send some serious mixed signals.

Electric Vibrator in Water:

Now it’s no mystery what your friend who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 5 years is doing when he takes his daily 20 minute shower. Women will have you believe they would never do something like that anywhere. That’s partially true cause they handle way too many other things in the shower already. But they definitely do pleasure themselves. Maybe not 5 times a day like my buddy from college but it happens. They also have those handy vibrators so they can’t count the act as their afternoon workout like some guys do. Those things either have batteries or plug into an outlet. Both of which create electric currents through the device. Is it really that farfetched that someone could get drunk and take one of those into the bathtub or shower? Or attempt a misguided prank? It may not have the same effect as a toaster in an Uncle Fenster-esque murder attempt but it sure as hell won’t feel good.

So a PSA to anyone with disgruntled or immature roommates who own a vibrator, make sure to lock up the vibrator or the bathroom door. Of course you can always get a water proof one here.

Anal Beads Ball and Chain:

I never saw the attraction to anal beads. Maybe it’s more of a San Francisco or I’m friends with Harvey Milk type thing. I admit, this one might be a bit of a stretch, and I’m not talking about your asshole.

It all depends on the size, length, and maybe how good you can tie a knot. It wouldn’t take that much ingenuity to attach a few of them together and put something heavy on one end.

Imagine using it like a nun chuck. They could make an entire ninja turtles spin off. Michaelangelo with the anal bead nun chucks, Donatello makes (fucking) machines, Leonardo has a dildo on a pole, and Raphael has the shocker. I don’t even want to think about what Shredder would have. Needless to say I think it’s definitely worth getting your hands on a few sets of them and using your imagination along with some glue or reliable knots.

Fucking Machines:

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of a fucking machine as a weapon is a crazy looking guy chasing people around with some sort of portable device that takes two hands to hold.

The main thing to consider with this is that these things are made to run on its own for a long period of time. You can attach whatever you want on the end that usually has the dildo. So picture whatever you fear the most lunging at you at a steady pace until the batteries run out. The worst case scenario is one of these machines becoming sentient. You know the first things it’s going to do is start building a fucking machine army to enslave humanity. I can’t think of many things that are scarier than a fucking machine that looks like Arnold Swartzenegger. So please, whatever you do, don’t buy your fucking machine from Skynet.

Bondage/Kidnapping Items:

Now most bondage items were left off this list due to the fact that they are basically weapons already. They can be on a sister list of weapons that can be used as sex toys. I’m talking about bondage equipment like handcuffs, restraints, and body bags that could also be useful in kidnapping people. Anytime someone who does have a bondage fetish gets their bags checked at an airport they have the dilemma of being embarrassing or suspected of being terrorists. They need to go through an uncomfortable explanation of what the items are used for. What if there are criminals who use that awkward conversation as their cover? ‘Yes officer, we do partake in that. That’s my girlfriend in the trunk. She is really kinky. Alright thanks, you have a good day as well’

Next thing you know some girl is missing from town and two dip shit police officers are getting fired. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but stupid people rarely surprise me these days.

A Belt (auto erotic asphyxiation):

This one may not technically be a weapon since this act is usually done to one’s self, hence the auto part in the name. But it can be done with a partner and regardless of how it’s done it is probably the most likely way to die on this list. It’s estimated that there are between 250 and 1000 deaths from auto erotic asphyxiation in the United States every year. Most recently and notably David Carradine is suspected by police to have died from it. I still put my money on a sloppy  attempt at the Five Fingers Exploding heart move. Experts say that it is safer to try with a partner because doing it alone makes it “potentially more difficult to get out of dangerous situations”. Potentially? Thanks doc. I’m glad you’re here to tell us these things.

The Great American Challenge:

For those that don’t know, The Great American Challenge is the largest legal dildo on the market today. From base to tip it towers above a 2 liter bottle of soda. Even sites that sell it claim it’s more of a novelty than a usable dildo. I think you know how you can use this as a weapon, and that’s simply as a blunt object. The thing is 10.5 inches long and three inches wide. I’m not sure if you would cause more damage using this as a dildo or teeing up someone’s head with it. The thing weights 4.75 lbs. Those 5 lb weights at the gym are pretty pathetic as far as lifting goes but imagine getting rocked in the face with one. Make sure you don’t get it wet before you try to swing it at someone because it gets incredibly slippery and when it leaves your hand it will become a flying dick of death destroying anything in its way.

As you can see, if used incorrectly, many of these toys can be dangerous. It’s probably best to use them strictly for sex and leave the violence to real weapons. Also doing half the things mentioned above can probably land you in a jail cell. So definitely buy the toys but be careful not to commit assault and battery with them. Or do. It’ll be something else to write about.

It’s no secret that money and sex often go hand and hand. Women are looking for the diamonds and a life of luxury and rich men are competing with each other to see who can land the hottest one night stand. Most athletes who make it to the professional ranks have already had their fair share of experience with being popular and desired by women. But even they have trouble adjusting to million dollar salaries and a mindset that they can do whatever they want. Until of course they get hit by that paternity suit. The following are some popular athletes who have had some extra marital troubles and may or may not have felt like paying that annoying little thing called child support.

Dirk Nowitzki:

This case is a little backwards from the others mentioned here. Which shouldn’t surprise you since there is a 7 ft German dude involved. Dirk is seeking a paternity test from his pregnant ex-girlfriend Christal Taylor who is a little indisposed at the moment. By that I mean she’s in jail. For failing to pay a fucking $11,000 dental bill.

She has had three other children by three other men and all of them have been raised by her family. She said never told Dirk any of this. They probably met when Dirk was getting drunk all over Europe with Steve Nash so it probably didn’t come up.

Dirk is filing the suit in hopes of taking custody of the unborn child if he turns out to be the father. No word yet on how having a child will affect Dirk and the Mavericks chances of an NBA championship this upcoming year. - Source

Chipper Jones:

Chipper Jones is considered one of the most upstanding guys in major league baseball and the face of the Atlanta Braves since he started playing. That’s why it was such a shock when he announced that he had fathered a child with an alleged Atlanta area Hooters waitress. He said he needed to be honest with his wife of six years and claimed he was going through a very rebellious period and was very self absorbed. Basically he was acting like an angsty spoiled teenage girl. Regardless, he said all the right things, made no attempts to avoid paying child support and probably dropped six figures on gifts for his wife. The whole thing blew over and he went on to lead the Braves to like 11 straight division titles. - Source

You decide.

Bjorn Borg:

Bjorn was the first sex symbol of the tennis world and also the first who’s name started with the letters B-J. He claims to have abstained from sleeping with anyone while he was winning five Wimbledon titles. That probably isn’t true but once he retired he made up for all the women he couldn’t sleep with between matches. He was married for a brief period but that fell apart when he noticed a hot young 17 year old at a wet t-shirt contest and made the responsible decision to sleep with her and get her pregnant.

Later on, in 2001, he felt that people weren’t trying to fuck as much as he was so he started his own underwear company and took out an ad in Swedish newspaper imploring young people with the slogan “Fuck for the future” and “Get to it!” I imagine that part was for the slower kids who had actual read the whole ad before having sex with the nearest person. - Source

Karl Malone:

Karl Malone is another athlete who the casual fan assumes is a good guy due to him making lots of white friends in Utah which is one of the most conservative NBA cities. He was also associated with John Stockton who was the role model of every skinny short white kid who dreamed of playing in the NBA. Shortly after he entered the league he married a former super model Kay Kinsey and had four children with her. Unfortunately about the same time he was trying to privately settle some paternity suits from some chicks he messed around with in college. At 17 he had fathered twins with Bonita Ford who was about the same age. The judge ruled him be the father when he ignored his court summons and refused to disclose his assets or show up for the DNA test. Both of the twins have gone on to play basketball at Malone’s alma mater and he and his wife have acknowledged then as members of the family. Around the same time he had also slept with 13 year old(7^th fucking grader) Gloria Bell who gave birth to Demetrius and who didn’t get much attention from his father. Malone was asked to pay $125 a week for support plus past medical bills but he claimed that was excessive and didn’t allow him to spend massive amounts of his paychecks on George W. Bush bumper stickers.

Ironically he is also a big fan of clearing brush. Malone has made no public comment about Demetrius and met him only once after his high school graduation to tell him it was too late to have a father son relationship. Except of course for the monetary relationship they have via the out of court settlement with Gloria Bell. So in summary Malone is kind of a dick. -Source

Also he did this.

Larry Bird:

Now I’m sure no one expected to see Larry Bird’s name on this list. Throughout his career he rarely showed interest in talking about anything other than basketball. Even after he socked a heckling fan in the face with his duffle bag after a game. Before he got to Indiana State he married his high school sweetheart Janet Condra but the marriage only lasted 11 months. Condra gave birth to a girl named Corrie in 1977. This was almost two years after breaking up with Larry. Clearly he was too busy playing basketball to prospect for new women so Janet must have been his booty call. Larry went on to win a bunch of titles and awards for the Celtics and basically became one of the best basketball players of all time.

It makes sense now that he worked so hard at basketball. He was clearly trying to distract the attention away from his daughter of whom he had denied paternity for her entire life. Corrie decided to go to the most powerful person in the world to share her story. She appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about her desire to have a relationship with her father and the press that followed didn’t put Larry or his current wife in very good light. As if there is a light side to basically ignoring a daughter and just sending a check instead.

Larry has admitted Corrie is his daughter but hasn’t made any attempt at making her part of the family or starting a relationship with her. - Source

Also I read that Dwight Howard knocked up one of the Orlando Magic dance team members.

To these guys it seems like it’s all about their ego. They feel they are superstars and can do whatever they want and if it ever comes back to bite them they just deal with it using their checkbook. I don’t see why they can’t treat their extra marital children like cousins they see a few times a year. Instead they just pretend it didn’t happen. Which I’m sure has fantastic effects on the child’s self esteem.

Now I’m not one who makes a habit out of complaining about people getting naked and drilling each other in movies, but occasionally it’s painfully obvious that the director is going for something artistic(lazy/unnecessary) or possibly has never had sex. There are plenty of sex scenes in movies today and some are gratuitous and others are funny and a few are epic. This list covers scenes that may overlap into the previously mentioned categories but the entire time lend to a sense of confusion and afterwards people asking themselves “what the fuck just happened?”

Munich:

The last scene in the film overlaps Eric Bana having sex with his wife while having flashbacks to his actions with Black September. Black September was a Palestinian militant group that was involved in the kidnap and murder of 11 Israeli Olympic athletes in Germany in 1972. Just these two events spliced together is enough to make one uncomfortable. Film students like to mix sex and violence to shock the viewer and possibly to get their indie film noticed by Michael Bay. Luckily it’s not a very long scene. The sex part is pretty standard and the flash back just shows Bana having a moment of hesitation before killing the Israeli hostages with a machine in just a few seconds. The scene climaxes with Bana climaxing. See what I did there? I’m assuming it’s supposed to represent that sex with most men is similar to a machine gun going off for a minute or two. - Source

Revolutionary Road:

This next entry isn’t so awkward for the viewer as it is for those involved in the filming and production of the scene. Those I’m speaking of are Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Sam Mendes. Kate and Leo being the ones doing the deed while Sam was directing them on how to make it look better. This seems like a good a time as any to tell you that Kate and Sam are married. Now this type of thing doesn’t happen often, unless of course you’re the type who hangs out with Mitch’s wife from Old School. Kate had trouble dealing with how weird it was for her and Leo’s response being the gentleman he is told her to “get over it.” - Source

Shoot ‘Em Up:

This movie starts out with a pregnant woman running past a bus stop being chased by a man with a gun. Clive Owen sees this and decides to get involved. No, this isn’t another Segal movie. He saves the woman and helps her delivery the baby and tries to protect her. At one point there is a, not surprisingly, failed attempt to let a hooker take care of the baby.(The guy from The Hangover must not have been available) Later on Owen is in the middle of drilling the woman who clearly has nightingale syndrome, and they are attacked by trained mercenaries. Unphased by this recent development, Owen makes no attempt to stop banging her. Instead, he decides to continue whilst rolling around the room and shooting all of his attackers. He also fires at least 15 shots form a handgun which shows that, just like his penis, he doesn’t have to reload. - Source

Reno 911!:

Anyone who is a fan of the show is accustomed to seeing multiple scenes with some body part of sexual act blurred out. So once they had a feature film you knew they would take full advantage. The officers stay at a motel that apparently only has 8 rooms and they are the only occupants. Lt. Dangle had planned on sleeping with Wiegle but vomits once he sees her sunburn. Raineesha gets turned down by Jones who is looking for Johnson who has just avoiding a pathetic come on by Garcia. Then Raineesha runs into Kimball. Kimball is upset because everyone thinks she’s a lesbian. As she is talking two six foot plus black girls walk out of her room in shorts and sports bras and announce that they and Kimball are going to play some ball. Jones finally finds Johnson and start heading towards his room when Raineesha sees him and he goes back to pretending to be sick. Raineesha gets pissed off and goes back to her room and finds her dildo. As Jones is heading back to his room he walks in on Garcia jerking off. He is running away and is continuously disgusted as he sees everyone has ended up alone in their room masturbating. I don’t even have a joke here you just need to watch the scene below. - Source

Pink flamingos:

This is one of the most outrageous, disgusting, perverted, notorious, and controversial movies ever made. Even that is kind of putting it lightly. Imagine Borat level shock value, then throw in kidnapping, slavery, feces eating, drug use and murder. It’s labeled a transgressive comedy(make that a hyperlink), which basically means go past social boundaries and in this case possibly legal boundaries. The ridiculous sex scene that makes this list pales in comparison to some of the crazy shit that goes down in this film. I don’t even know how to set this scene up so I’m not going to try. A girl named Cookie is sent over to Crackers trailer as a spy. I’m not sure why she had to go inside. If you can get to one window there’s not much you can’t see in a trailer. Instead Cookie and Cracker have sex and while doing so a random chicken gets caught between them and is subsequently crushed to death. Also another character, named Cotton, is watching the entire thing. Probably using that single window idea I mentioned earlier. I’m not sure if this summary made you want to see this movie or avoid it all at costs. Either way, I’m not putting any videos up so more power to ya. - Source

I could have made this list inappropriately long but instead decided to pick and choose to talk about a few scenes. There are a few honorable mentions I would like to um… mention. First up, Crank High Voltage. There’s nothing like a semi rape to get your heart going and prevent dying. I’d also like to take this spot to mention that there is a real movie called Donkey Punch. Dan Ackroid gets a BJ from a ghost, a midget duck gets laid, that chick from Clerks fucks a dead guy, and the boys from A Clockwork Orange have high speed sex to the sounds of Beethoven. Also Sacha Baron Cohen is basically starting his own entire category of ridiculous sex scenes.

Brothels are a bit of an exotic mystery here in the states due to it being illegal and our only exposure to it being Lt. Dangle from Reno 911! busting some whores in his short shorts. They used to be a staple all over Europe but currently the Netherlands and Germany are some of the only countries where they are still legal. Most brothels these days, if they haven’t been shut down, are pretty tame compared to what they once were. Then again if they were legal we wouldn’t have the constant stream of sex scandals in politics and half the 24 hour news stations might go out of business. That, or just start kidnapping white girls vacationing in the Caribbean. These are some of the most exclusive brothels that weren’t shut down by mass media lobbyist.

The Everleigh Club:

Now in the U.S. brothels are only legal in Nevada but most aren’t really worth mentioning. Back at the turn of the century the Wright Brothers were the first to fly, the Model T was being introduced and people were getting fucked around the clock at Chicago’s Everleigh Club. Ada and Minna Everleigh were so confident that on the first day it opened they turned down customers who they felt weren’t good enough. Read, had a small dick. They had bought the former brothel out, fired all the employees, recruited from around the country, and spared no expense. They had a $57 gold spittoon which in today’s dollars is worth like $7 million[citation needed]. The main concourse also had a gold leafed piano. One guy who didn’t like it was instantly tossed out. Presumably very horny and frustrated. They were eventually shut down in 1911 after making millions. Minna Everleigh was later quoted “If it weren’t for married men, we couldn’t have carried on at all..” - Source

FKK Atlantis:

In Europe one of the largest brothels ever was the FKK Atlantis in Germany. It had been a spa originally and kept the pools and saunas to maintain to the relaxed atmosphere. It was set up like a nice house party where everyone is on the same page. Similar to the house in Eyes Wide Shut minus the expensive tux rental, the creepy masks, and thankfully Tom Cruise. You paid at the door and wandered around until you found someone you liked and made an exaggerated head tilt towards the nearest empty room. Men wore towels and women were required by house rules to be naked at all time, which by the way is a fantastic house rule that should be used more often. The women didn’t need to give any money to the owners who just kept the entrance fee. Many women had pimps who spied on them to make sure they weren’t skimming anything off the top. I have no idea how you successfully spy on someone where your disguise is a strategically placed towel. Atlantis is no longer in business but there are similar establishments that use the title FKK which basically means clothing optional and not necessarily sex for money. This had led to some embarrassing situations for misinformed tourists. - Source

Le Chabanais:

In France brothels were made illegal in 1946. Before that it had some of the most exclusive and expensive red light districts in all of Europe. In Paris, Le Chabanais, was one of the longest running high end brothels and it’s doors were open from 1878 to 1946. It was started by Madame Kelly, an Irish lass, who decided everyone back home was too drunk to run a proper brothel. She had to get funding and somehow she secured funds in the amount of 1.7 million Francs from wealthy individuals. How did she get the money? We may never know. Regardless she did an incredibly successful job running a business where people exchanged money for sex. Oh wait, that’s probably how she got the money. It was famous for having rooms decorated in different themes from around the world. Picture Epcot, but all in one building and everyone’s having sex. Also flash photography was probably frowned upon. Unfortunately, before it closed after WWII, it’s last patrons were the 15 or 20 Nazi troops it took to occupy Paris. - Source

Del Ray Hotel:

Crossing the pond to Brazil, Del Ray Hotel is the most notorious, expensive and largest brothels in the new world. It is a real hotel, but it’s not for those who aren’t interested in brothel-esque activities. It’s tag line on most travel websites is ‘great brothel, horrible hotel’. Fortunately for the brothel it is a big location for sex tourism. It boasts a 10:1 ratio of women to men whether you’re at the casino, the pool, the bar or the presidential suite with the mirrored ceilings. It had 108 rooms, so assuming there’s a dude in each one there should be over 1,000 women who are looking forward to meeting your bank account and your dick. They also sell condoms for those who don’t plan ahead or have much foresight. The only catch is they are located in the minibar and could involve a trip to the ATM. Hopefully it doesn’t rip. - Source

It’s a shame that the worldwide brothel industry isn’t what it used to be. Luckily for those of you who are socially inept and want to cheat on your wives as long as you can do it by the book, there are still legal brothel destinations. But beware, many of these places aren’t in the nicest neighborhoods. Don’t blame me if you wake up in a tub of ice and you’re missing a kidney.

Big Jim was the CEO of Keefe Buryette & Woods and was hanging out at his favorite strip club. Apparently the dipshit didn’t bring any ones to this club and thought the next best thing was to give the dancer, Marilyn Starr, insider trading tips. I assume there was an awkward period where she was naked and he had a boner while trying to explain what his company did and how to set up an etrade account. So Marilyn started raking in the dough and hopfully McDermott was getting free dances. All the while ignoring the millions of women in NY who he probably could have slept with and weren’t seen naked by large groups of men on a nightly basis. Their little operation was finally revealed and Starr got some prison time and McDermott paid a fine probably totally about three days worth of work for him. Also he had to pinky swear he wouldn’t work in the investment industry ever again. -Source

Steve Rattner:

Steve was the head of private equity at Credit Suisse. Unable to court any of the women in NY, including the ones who sleep around and pretend to be on Sex and the City, had been having an affair. Unfortunately for Steve this woman’s husband was much more adept at the increasingly popular method of using the internet to ruin someone’s life. The husband went to multiple sites and posting comments that accuse Rattner of offering his wife $500,000 to leave her husband. The money part was never proven so he was 50% accurate but still 100% pissed. He kept at it enough until Rattner’s boss called him into his office and told him he was a fucking idiot and to clean out his desk. For some reason the the New York Times decided to jump in and write a sympathy piece on Rattner’s behalf. This just made things worse because now the accusations were in a huge circulated and respected paper instead of fark.com. So the moral of the story here is if you’re going to drop $500,000 for someone to leave their husband, maybe spend another $5,000 to ruin that guys computer or internet connection first. - Source

Gordon Getty:

Gordon was one of the top 100 richest men in America. He was a billionaire living in San Francisco and could do whatever he wanted. So he decided to basically start a second life. This was before Second Life came around so he didn’t have any digital options. In my opinion he didn’t do it because he wasn’t satisfied with his real wife and family. I think he was just so damn rich that he felt he deserved to have two families. This went on for 15 years as he commuted between San Fransisco and Los Angeles. Maybe he bought season tickets to the Lakers as an alibi for his frequent trips. He ended up fathering three daughters who in 1999 changed their names to Getty in honor of their filthy rich, cheating bastard father. His mistress Cynthia Beck has sued him for the daughters to be heirs to Gordon’s fortune and the case is going before a judge this November. His legal wife doesn’t seem to have any comments on the situation and is probably very content sleeping with her tennis instructor at the club. - Source

Paul Eustace:

Paul is one of those crazy Canadians and someone thought it would be a good idea to make him a hedge fund manager in charge of millions of high net worth investors money. Once he got that job he probably felt pretty good about himself and decided to give himself a reward. This reward was to cheat on his wife with a stripper. How much money do you need to take home a stripper? Everyone has that friend who drops 300 bucks on 15 lap dances and justifies it by saying that she’s really into him and that he’s going to ask for her number. It obviously never works out and it ends up being a great story to tell his wife about years later. In any event Paul started an on going relationship with this stripper. He started using investor money to buy her classy gifts such as a boob job. I’m a little confused how a girl who needed a boob job got a stripper job in the first place. Then again it is Canada. When he was caught he was charged with losing $208 million for his hedge funds. Most people assume he was too busy with extra cirricular activities to focus on making the right investments. I like to think he let the stripper make the investment choices and for once ‘the one’s with the prettiest uniforms’ was not a sound gambling method. - Source

Lara Logan:

Lara has been the CBS News Chief Foreign Correspondent since February 2006 and has been reporting from war torn parts of the world for 17 years. It seems that whenever she wasn’t getting shot at by insurgents she was taking other shots. To the face. By Michael Ware and Joe Burkett’s penises. Penii? She is being accused of breaking up the marriage of Joe and Kimberly Burkett, who was so distraught that she ODed on Valium and thinks Logan is trying to take her daughter from her too. Logan claims Joe and Kimberly were just ‘friendly’ and chose to not notice his wedding ring. Surprisingly Logan wasn’t only ruining the Burkett’s marriage but was also sleeping with, Mike Ware, another CBS correspondent. The CBS war zone coverage team in Baghdad seems to be similar to the restaurant staff in the movie Waiting. There were also allegations that Ware and Burkett had over Logan in a safe house in Baghdad. Both stupidly thinking they were the only one for Logan and pretending she wasn’t just toying with both of them. Kudos to Logan for getting her’s but it’s also another example of why women are evil and to not forget they are the reason we got kicked out of Eden. - Source

I’m sure all these people enjoyed their sexapades while they lasted but most fell hard once their secrets were revealed. With the exception of Lara Logan who’s career seems fine and just shows the double standard of what does and doesn’t fly with the public if you’re a hot woman. At the same time most these people are filthy rich and may have lost some money in the short term but rest assured they are still more wealthy than you will ever be and probably couldn’t give two shits what the public opinion of them is.

 The Most Virile Men In History

Obviously since the dawn of time people have been getting plenty of ass. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here if they weren’t getting down for the past 15,000 years. In the past the whole point was procreation. And most were forced to crank out as many kids as possible since none of the bastards could manage to stay alive that long. So unlike today, there wasn’t quite as much recreational fucking, read afternoon delight, back in the day. Not so much by choice as much as everyone being too busy storming castles, being religiously persecuted, or dying from turberculosis. That’s not to say some people throughout history didn’t find time to get their dick wet any chance they got. These are those people.

Casanova:

 

  One of the most well known vagina slayers in history was Giacomo Girolamo Casanova. He is widely considered the worlds greatest lover by people who rate such things. He started things off right when he was 16 and got it on with two sisters, at the same time. He is reported to have had over 200 sexual conquests. Granted that may not compare to Wilt Chamberlain’s statistics but you have to remember back there were just less people and the ones that were around were probably at war or dying at the ripe old age of 35. He also managed to do it all while wearing one of those powdered wigs. He also basically stamped his express cairrage ticket to hell when he had a threesome with a nun and a 14 year old. Is anyone else wondering what the fuck was the nun thinking? Before he departed from a city he would normally be challenged to atleast one duel by some married men accusing him of sleeping with his wive. These were normally won, presummably because he would distract his opponent by making some obscene sexual references about what he did to the guys wife the night before.  He was bitter and broken at the end of his life.  Mostly because Viagra hadn’t been invented yet but partially because he did have his own heart broken. Although he uniquely expressed his bitterness by training a parrot to say his old lover was a whore and resold it and her town. As a final, sad PR move he wrote about how terrible his life was and to date absolutely no one feels bad for him. - Source

Caligula:

Another person no one has ever felt bad for is Gais Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. More commonly known as Caligula. He was the son of Germanicus who was killed in Antioch, most likely by the holy hand grenade. Most of the Roman emperors were dicks but he took Roman dickery to a whole new level. It’s impossible to sum up his sexual exploits and debouchery in any one hour special on the history channel. Instead Penthouse stepped up to the plate and funded a three hour porno that I’m assuming covered an average early afternoon for Caligula. He left a legacy of whores, incest, and at one point he tried to make a horse he was particularly fond of a consul. Unfortunately Mr. Ed was the incumbant and fillabusted the movement. The facts are blurry but it seems he basically turned his palace into a brothel. A brothel where he had an unlimited platinum membership. He basically did whatever the fuck he wanted. Including sleeping with one of his sisters. If you were to make a list of the people that it would be least acceptable to sleep with he would rattle off that list for double points family fued style. He enjoyed pregnant women and occasionally married women…. at their wedding. That would be an awkward first dance. Occasionally, with a, I can fuck anyone anytime mindset, he would invite people over for dinner, sleep with a guest’s wife in between courses then talk about it in detail during dessert. Atleast he had a sense of humor. - Source

Henry VIII:

Most marriages between European royalty were arranged. They had everything to do with who had the best pig country and nothing to do with physical attraction. So unless Lancelot came around, kicked the bride in the chest and killed the best man they were rarely happy unions. Enter Henry VIII.  He started off where most guys do by marrying his deceased brothers widow.  Next up was, Anne Boleyn. The girl he was fucking on the side while he was doing all the paperwork involved with annulling his first marriage. Henry learned, what we already new from Shaggy, that you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. She was promptly beheaded. His next two wives weren’t very interesting and didn’t get beheaded so I’m not going into any more detail about them. His fifth wife allegely cheated on him, which is like if Monica Lewinsky cheated on Bill Clinton. Once Henry found out It is rumored that she practiced how she was going to place her head on the chopping block and then shortly after was beheaded. His sixth and last wive appeased him by arguing over religion, helping him put his daughters back in the line of succession and not auidibly sighing in disgust when Henry made it known he wanted to get it on. She also outlived him since he died over weight and possibly suffering from gout. he will go down in history as one of the most unsavory kings England has ever seen. - Source

Ghengis Khan:

Mongolian conquerer and cameo star of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure Ghengis Khan was notorious for his territorial conquests just as much as for his sexual conquests. He has been called by some the most virile man to ever walk the earth. A recent study done a few years ago by a bunch of people who’s relatives were conquered by Khann have discovered that about 16 million others are direct descendents of his penis. This wasn’t an accident. His plan from the beginning was to expand the Mongolian population. He even had a strict code of law that made homosexuality illigal. This was the same code that said it was fine for him to kill thousands of people and, as a rule, sleep with all of their wives. He slept with so many women he can probably be directly blamed for over population in Asian countries. And like I said he hung out with Bill and Ted. - Source 

In the 100,000 or so years that anatomically modern homo sapiens have been kickin’ it on Earth, we’ve done just about all in our considerable power to set ourselves apart from all the other flora and fauna around. However, we’re still subject to the common denominators that form our place in the great Circle of Life. When it comes down to it, all that “technology” and “advancement” and “progress” has always just been about more impressive ways to convince someone to tolerate your presence while you attempt to bone them.

In that light, you might sneer at the folks at the bar who have crafted their entire persona around the very few facets of themselves they feel is most likely to help get them laid. But these douchebags are just carrying on the proud tradition that binds us to our brethren in the Great Circle of Life. Here are how some of our fellow travelers on spaceship Earth say “how you doin’”?

Honey Bees

The Game

With thousands of individuals comprising a hive, the word of the day when it comes to scoring some hot queen bee action is “competition.” You’d think, then, that drone bees would spend all their times hitting the hive’s weightroom and studying up on foreign languages and poetry or something. That’s what chicks like, right? Right?

But no, these drones are fucking tools. They have no personal goals or ambitions, their sole function in life is to sneak some sperm into a virgin queen, and then get the hell out of everyone’s way by immediately dying. “Eh,” you might be saying “living with coitus as your sole purpose isn’t that bad a lot in life.” Maybe not, it’s not just that it’s the only thing these losers want to do. It’s literally the only thing they can do. They have no pollen sacs, so they have no use for flowers. They have no stingers, and what good is a stingerless bee? That’s like a fang-less vampire. They can’t even feed themselves; the workers have to drag the drones’ sorry asses to maturity.

Immediately when a queen reaches reproductive age and takes off on her own, she is set upon by hordes of sycophantic drones, each of whom is trying his best to be the queen’s closest confidant while cock-blocking everyone else. “Cockblocking” in this case is about as literal as it gets. The drone’s sole claim to credit is the ability to mate mid-flight with the virgin queen, the coolness factor of which is quickly surmounted by horror as his penis and most of his abdomen pop right off the rest of his body, so as to plug the hole and prevent subsequent mating from the other drones around. That’s right, these bastards actually turn in their Man Cards to the Manhood membership desk, just so the next guy can’t get any.

This is the guy who:

for years has fluttered in orbit around that awesomely hot, smart, fun, megababe you know, forming an occasionally hostile protective wall to shield her from being asked out by any other dude. He worships this girl and lets her know it, but she has no idea he’s anything other than just her sweetheart, bestest friend, and isn’t it so great that she found this guy who just wants to be her friend without ulterior motives? Little does she know that he’s giving himself the ol’ low 5 twice a night exclusively to mental imagery of the fantasy sexual encounter with her that will never happen, but has been eating him alive inside since Day 1.

He has no life of his own, and if anyone is sympathetic enough to actually try to engage him independently of her, he always has to check to see if it’s okay with her to go to the bar, or the game, or the show, quickly changing his mind about it if she responds negatively. Most of his conversations are at least tangentially about her. He loves to tell other guys about the things they did together, so as to hint at their intimacy and dissuade any approach by their part. He shadows her at parties like the Secret Service. He’s turned over his manhood to her in every way except the way he really wants.

Red-capped Manakin

Moon Walking Red-Capped Manakin

The Game

The red-capped manakin is a little sparrow-sized bird native to certain forest regions of tropical Central and South America. Its thing is a mating dance. Now, that’s nothing too special for birds. Many species include very bright, gaudy males who would be ridiculed as homos as they pranced around to display their flamboyant plumage and colors, if those eye-catching accessories weren’t the very thing that got them laid…with ladies.

The red-capped manakin has stepped up his game. He doesn’t just puff up his feathers and bob his head around while turning circles like those douchenozzle pigeons. This cat does a god-damned moonwalk. We shit you not.

Don’t try to deny spending at least a few minutes in front of a mirror at some point in your life seeing if you couldn’t pull off that backward slide, knee bend trick. You were 16, wearing tight acid-washed jeans and looked to make sure your mom wasn’t around before running a hand down to your crotch, thrusting out your hips and squealing “HEE!”

Now, we appreciated MJ’s contributions to music and dance as much as the next red-blooded Amercian, but we’re starting to tire of the endless tribute-mongering. Still, this little guy deserves at least a passing mention on one of the current 24-7 “Death of an Icon” marathons on VH1.

This is the guy who:

bothered to actually learn how to moonwalk. Sure, the gift of dance comes naturally to some folks, but moon walking (or other visually impressive yet extremely specific dance moves) is something that only really works if it’s done near perfectly – otherwise, you just look like you’re backpedalling like a dork. It’s going to take significant effort beforehand to get all mechanics just right. He’s going to have practiced it, tweaked it, practiced some more, and ultimately worked to perfection something that is only going to make a difference for him in one particular context: the club.

Unless he’s going for comedy, he’s not going to bust out a moonwalk on just any occasion, for fear of coming off as pretentious to the females he’s trying to impress. He needs just the right context, and waits patiently just for that. In a sense, he’s put all his eggs into one basket. In his lifetime, there are maybe 10 to 20 times that he’ll be at a flashy club, with dance circle formed, and Billy Jean just came on. But man, oh man when the planets align for the Moonwalker, it isn’t going to look like it’s something he’s worked on, it’s going to look like something that just flowed from within. Every female in the room is going to be floored by this dude.

We’re not denying that dancing skills are impressive and fun to learn. Hell, we find ourselves curiously aroused just from that red-capped manikin video. We’re saying in the time we spent on our asses playing video games, the Moonwalker was working on something that we would have no chance of competing with on his turf. It’s enough to make us want to just give up the whole mating thing altogether.

Bowerbird

Native to New Guinea and parts of Australia, the Bowerbird family includes 20 species, most of which engage in a very obsessive form of nesting. Males build a home called a “bower,” and it isn’t used to raise a happy family of chicks, oh no. The young hatch and grow up elsewhere. No, he constructs, decorates, and fastidiously maintains his bachelor pad for the sole purpose of furthering his goals as a player. And the hell of it is, just like with humans, this actually works.

There are several types of bower architecture (some even have roofs), but the most common involves two horizontally placed sticks which outline a pad of arranged twigs, leaves, and shells, stones, flowers, berries, pieces of plastic – all of which adhere to a particular color scheme. Yeah that’s right, this bird actually thinks about whether the dresser matches the wall color. He’s probably stashed some roofies in there somewhere.

The guy with the best condo in the neighborhood receives the most female callers to spend the night, and presumably don’t mind being told at 2:00 am that he’s got work in the morning and they should really get going. A successful man-cave will make enough of an impression to lure the same individual females back the next year. Jesus, not only does the Bowerbird have the Player Cave, he’s got a Little Black Book as well.

This is the guy who:

has the condo uptown, and spares no expense on its cleaning and maintenance. Granite countertops; dark wood furniture with plush finish; flat-panel TV hidden behind retractable cabinet doors; remote control light dimmer; fancy, never-used kitchenware prominently displayed; shower for two; not a single god damn speck of dust in the whole place. He’ll invite you over, ladies, but you damn well better not track any rainwater in, or accidentally knock over a wineglass. His place is a means to an end, but he’s grown to love it way more than he’ll ever love the women it’s designed to impress.

He loves to talk about it as well, and will have probably invited you over or at least hinted at it several times before you acquiesced. He knows he’s only at his full strength in his natural habitat, and venturing forth to common meeting grounds is usually just to convince others to return to his lair.

Argentine Lake Duck

The Game

We’re going to cut to the chase. This is a duck that is hung like a T-Rex. Its full body size is a bit smaller than the mallard ducks we’re used to seeing around in North America, but it sports a schlong that extends about 17 inches. Ladies, try to imagine a 17-inch flesh sword on a human, and the slight discomfort you might feel about it getting crammed into you. Now imagine you’re about 20 inches tall to begin with. Squish. Guys, imagine your equipment was almost as long as you are tall. You’d have to wrap it around your waist a few times and route it the slack down your pants leg before you go out.

Actually, the thing isn’t very thick, but at 17 inches, you still have to be impressed. Ornithologists were baffled for awhile as to what the hell good it is to be dragging around your junk, especially when in your line of work, it pays to be aerodynamic. Recent observation has hinted that a dick to shame a porn star is used not only for mating displays, but also to entangle and actually lasso those hard-to-get ladies for whom “no” means “yes.” Wait, these ducks don’t even have opposable thumbs, how the hell do they swing around a lasso, genital or otherwise?\

This is the guy who:

uses his 6-foot long man-rope to wrangle unreceptive ladies. It’s time we stopped turning a blind eye to it.

Most Memorable Movie Strippers

Everyone loves movies. And everyone really loves strippers. So similar to adding bacon to almost anything adding strippers to movies seems like a can’t miss. Unfortunately centering a movie around a stripper has a negative effect on the way it’s received. So basically the academy won’t be awarding you any hardware. Fuck them. Strippers have a very positive effect on the awesomeness of a movie. And you would be amazed many tickets you can sell to people who are only interested in a scene or two. Guys think it’s like taking their girlfriend to a porno flick. Plus popcorn! Like I said, it’s a can’t miss.

Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire

Barb Wire is said to be based on Casablanca. Thankfully it’s so ridiculous that the casual observer won’t make that connection because they will be too focused on Anderson’s tits. Anderson’s bar can’t be bring in much money because she is the only bar owner in movie history who also needs to strip at said bar for extra. Oh yea, and she’s also a bounty hunter.   It should be noted that if she wasn’t so busy stripping and killing people she may be able to focus on her bar and run it a little better. Just saying. The movie climaxes with the protagonists struggling to make it to Canada(can’t say that too often). Once again if the owner of an establishment is attempting to flee the country it can’t be good for business. The movie ends with Barb fighting on some sort of moving crane. She manages to jump off right before it inexplicably blows up in a Family Guy-esque manner.- source

Salma Hayek

You know you’ve made it when you’ve played a stripper in two movies. Both of which star the movies director,  and neither of which involve you playing a human. In From Dusk til Dawn she is a vampire stripper who works at a trucker bar in the middle of the Mexican desert who includes a boa constricter in her act .  The patrons are killed every night by vampires and yet the place is still always packed. That’s a hell of a promoting job.

In Dogma she is the muse Serendipity who apparently needs to strip to help pay for her second mortgage.  Her scene includes Jay and Silent Bob basically dry humping each other with Chris Rock as a saint trying to explain how Jason Bourne and Daredevil are going to end all existence to a PMSing chick who just found out she’s the last scion. Also Snape and Jason Lee are hanging around. Welcome to a Kevin Smith movie. Salma really knows how to pick em. - Source

Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

Zombies and graphic violence usually go hand in hand but adding a stripper element takes it to a whole new level.  Rose plays Cherry Darling who quits her job stripping and runs into her ex boyfriend El Wrey. The film then abruptly goes to some kind of shady deal gone wrong where the, obviously, deadly virus is sent into the air. I feel the mishandling of some toxic agent is an overused plot vehicle. I prefer the Dawn of the Dead approach where they claimed Hell was full and now everyone on earth has to deal with it. Cherry loses a leg when they are attacked and gets taken to the hospital where everyone has zombie symptoms. El Wrey is arrested but gets away in the confusion that tends to occur during a zombie apocalypse. He finds her and they run to the BBQ place they met. It works out fine just like in Shawn of the Dead, by which I mean it works out terribly. They get captured by Bruce Willis who claims to have killed Bin Laden but gotten his troops infected and he’s looking for a cure. Cherry is almost raped by Quentin Tarantino but fucks his day up with her wooden leg and a 5 inch splinter in his eye. El Wrey finds her and equips with an assault rifle on her leg but they never seem to explain how she can fire it without using her hands.. They fight through a shit ton of zombie soldiers who’s aim is stormtrooper-esque and make it to a helicopter. El Wrey gets killed and Cherry becomes a leader in a post apocalyptic world and spends the rest of her days in a tropical locale with her and El Wrey’s kid.- source

Jenna Jameson in Zombie Strippers

It’s clear someone thought the zombie/stripper theme had promise and decided that instead of a plot there should just be more tits. Enter Jenna Jameson in Zombie Strippers.   Before getting to the much anticipated boobies they decide to do some Bush bashing.  He’s in his fourth term after apparently overriding the Constitution sometime when he wasn’t clearing brush at his ranch. He’s also at war with multiple countries and the government has created a drug that brings soldiers back to life.  To the surprise of no one, someone fucks up and an infected soldier escapes. He dies then comes back as a zombie( not sure if the writer got zombies and vampires mixed up at this point) right in front of a strip club.  Jameson’s character is described as an intellectual stripper. I took that to mean her act involves a hot teacher with glasses. This also seems like a good time to mention this movie was slated as a comedy although I’m not 100% sure it set out to be that way. The zombie solder goes into the club and ends up turning Jameson into one too. The owner, who is a much more savvy business man than Barb, decides that instead of losing his best stripper he can just have a zombie stripper. Hence the very clever and subtle movie title. It turns out the customers like the zombie strippers more than the regular ones even with the minor downside of getting eaten at the end of a lap dance. This leads to the girls dilemma of wondering if becoming a zombie is their best career move.  The owner tries to keep everything under wraps and keep the zombies in a cage in the basement. They end up fighting each other which logically leads to Jameson shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina. Eventually the Z-squad(if you don’t know it is, you can’t afford it) shows up but they are too late. Bush has already released all the zombies to distract the public from his foreign policy blunders. I will admit this is one way Bush could have destroyed America that never got a lot of press. -   Source

I’m surprised there aren’t more movies focused on strippers.  Especially bad ass strippers who like guns.  Don’t worry about the academy or character development.  Focus on hot chicks and explosions and the rest will work itself out.  I mean Transformers 2 just grossed like a billion dollars.   When is Michael Bay making an action movie about a stripper?

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There is Always the Surreal Life…

Unlike most desired attributes in the industry the window of opportunity for porn stars is pretty small. At one end is that pesky, occasionally ignored rule against hiring minors and at the other end is the performer getting replaced by a younger star or saying “there’s no fucking way I’m doing that”. It really is one of the only professions left where you can fire someone strictly for their looks and not worry about that expensive lawsuit. Here are a few examples of what people did when they weren’t being degraded for the entertainment of others…. with the exception of the Surreal Life.

Cali Cox

Calli Cox, which to the surprise of no one is not her real name, was teaching in the small town of Effingham, Illinois in the mid 90s. After giving it serious thought and presumably during a long dry spell of boyfriends she decided to put her teaching degree to good use and enter the world of pornography. Her claim to fame was a two year stint in a series called Shane’s World where she showed her love for higher education by screwing drunk college students which led to some students regretting their decision. Similar to those racists kids with the RV in Borat. Once Cox stopped working with cocks she worked as the companies public relations representative before fading away into our memories of poor quality VHS tapes.- Source

Crystal Gunns

Our next story doesn’t have quite the same happy ending. Ms. Tuck, formally known as Crystal Gunns, was the cover model for Score Magazine and had appeared on numerous films. After leaving the porn industry she took the next logical step and became a lunch lady at a NJ elementary school. Obviously once word got out about her past all the hardworking housewives with rich husbands lost their shit and demanded she be fired. The school had no legal recourse but Gunns decided to quit. She submitted a one sentence resignation which ending by saying she ‘was leaving in good standing’ and was most likely a run on sentence.- Source

Bambi Woods

Bambi Woods in Debbie Does Dallas was the Olivia Newton-John of the porno world. Starring role in an iconic film followed by no one ever hearing from her again. Some have described it as ‘paradoxical’ that she didn’t have sex with anyone actually from Dallas. These are the same people who will balk if you tell them Batman wasn’t filmed in Gotham City. She kinda fell off the map and all sorts of rumors popped up including stripping across the country and dying from a overdose 13 years ago. There was an attempt by some people to make a documentary about her life, but they probably didn’t leave their basement, never found her whereabouts and said ‘fuck it’ and made up some disappearance story. She actually dated John Belushi for a while which we assume consisted of her running to the store to pick up cases of whiskey to help him prepare for his role in Animal House. Currently she is leading a very quiet life in California and commented that it’s very easy to keep a low profile when you keep to yourself and aren’t fucking every citizen in Dallas. - Source

Ron Jeremy

There aren’t many more successful, well known/endowed and odd looking former stars of the industry than Ron Jeremy. He has appeared in over 1,900 films and can allegedly blow himself without breaking his neck like that unfortunate guy in Clerks. Once he decided pornography wasn’t classy enough for him he made an appearance on the Surreal Life. On the show he voted against Vanilla Ice(after swearing on his mother’s grave that he wouldn’t) which prompted one of the best melt downs in reality TV history that included Ice destoying the set and yelling such gems as “I put him on my new album and told everyone how fucking cool he was!” Everyone knows you’re not cool unless Vanilla ‘Rob Van Winkle’ Ice says you are on his album. He also had a cameo in Boondock Saints. He played a sleezy disgruntled low level mafia figure who gets killed during a titty show. Ok, so I guess that wasn’t too hard of a role to get into. - Source and Source

Jackie Chan

Jeremy isn’t the only one who’s made the jump to mainstream films after doing porn. It is rare though and takes a certain breed of person who has shown through their on screen characters they don’t really care what people think of them…. or that they can hardly speak English. Enter Jackie Chan.

If someone kidnapped Chan, hooked him up to a lie detector and asked him what film he was most embarrassed about I guarantee you Rush Hour 3 or that awful western spoof top the list over his appearance in a Hong Kong porno co-starring the Jenna Jameson of the eastern hemisphere. Also if someone felt the need to kidnap Chan and not bother with the rest I don’t think anyone would stop you. Just make sure you don’t take him somewhere that’s under construction of he will kick your ass via the scaffolding.-Source

Sly Stallone

Before Sly was shooting steroids for Rocky he was playing the role of Stud and shooting his load all over Kitty and her friends in the cleverly named “The Party at Kitty and Stud’s”. It did seem like a step up for the 24 year old who was working as a movie usher where I like to assume he boxed delinquent teenagers who wouldn’t shut the hell up during the movie. Sly used the most of his break and went on to grace us with such classics as Over the Top and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.-Source

You can see that porn stars can come from or go to just about any walk of life. The most interesting part to me is the transition phase which at some point needs to include an interview. Do aspiring porn stars put ‘enjoy sleeping around and cheating on my boyfriend’ on their resume? And do retired ones dread every interview they have ending with the possible employer holding up a DVD? We may never know but we can be sure there will be always be plenty of fucking to do and plenty of people with low self esteem and empty banks accounts to get fucked.

Since the dawn of humanity, homo sapiens have used sex as a tool for getting what they want. However, back in the day, they bartered for survival, not for a couple extra bucks or the free shit like the following fine examples of modern humanity. Recent studies have shown that primates often barter sex for meat. Evolution has given us a very complex brain, but for these few unfortunate people, sex has been barter for a lot less. So much for the theory of evolution!

1. Woman barters for help with thick rain forest:

In recent news, the most popular barter-for-sex story has been from one Stephanie Gerson. As a college student studying abroad in Brazil, Stephanie wanted to explore the deep rain forest. Trouble was, Stephanie could not find a tour group willing to make this dream come true. But, this was not going to stop the very creative Stephanie, and she soon found a way to make her dream of exploring the rain forest a reality. Flirting with a college-aged Brazilian one day she soon found herself whisked away on a sex romp in the middle of the jungle. The price? To be able to sleep in the middle of the jungle, live in temporary palm huts they made, and eat piranhas and such. To me, this sounds more of “I wanted to have sex with the locals” instead of what she says was a pure business deal. “The rumble in the jungle” never had truer meaning for this girl than that unforgettable weekend getting down and dirty. - Source

2. Sex for Gas:

Everyone knows gas can be expensive. Everyone knows the economy is down. What does Kelli Still do about this predicament? Well she decides to barter some gas money for sex— in this case, oral sex. Kelli Still offered some head to a man. The man somehow obliged (look at that mug). Anyway, this is where the story gets a little crazy. Apparently Ms. Kelli Still decided to get angry and took scissors from the man’s house. One thing led to another and the man was stabbed several times and right below his right eye and the back of his head( his actual head, thank god). Kelli Still got the worst of it getting arrested for assault and a partially severed finger for her troubles. Now i don’t blame someone trying to get free gas and I would do just about anything for some, but seriously you are just causing more trouble for yourself when you start getting stabby after wards. Just keep it to “wam bam thank you mam” is my motto.- Source

3. Sex for Potato Chips?

Lohoma Sue Smith isn’t your typical prostitute. Sure she goes to trucker stops like most others, but Lohoma has a problem other than the obvious. She loves potato chips, and when she is hungry, Lohoma gets what she wants. While doing her thing at the truck stop one evening, she spotted the holy grail - The Frito-Lay man. Holy shit. So Lohama bartered for one of those $30 dollar packs of Frito-Lays. You know the ones that you buy thinking they will last you a few weeks then you are covered with a few dozen empty packs laying all around you later that night. Yeah, those. Anyways as Lohoma would soon find out she is not all that and a bag of chips and was arrested for prostitution for her third time. - source

4. Sex for gas(Again!) - Crude Oil

The United States sells out contracting rights to oil areas around the globe. Who gets these rights? Well in this case it turns out, the contracts go to whomever hosts the best sex parties. White-collared US agency workers turned this into their own private sex orgy job. Where as gifts for rights they would be able to hook up with some of the companies “employees”. Yeah i am sure it wasn’t the CEO pimping themselves out, but some fine skilled workers in which business they know nothing about. These guys were busted, but who knows what actually happened to them. The scene was described as a frat part climate, hell I have been to frat parties before and I do not believe I have seen anything like this. But hey i do not remember everything that has happened at those parties.- Source

5. Marcia Brady : Sex for Cocaine

Not that this is necessarily odd, but its odd that Marcia Brady(Maureen McCormick) is the one behind this nonsense. She would sell herself for cocaine during her famous time. Wait, didn’t she have money though? Yeah but she still did this stuff. She was seeing at Sammy Davis Jr.’s place and the Playboy mansion doing god knows what. I can tell you one thing, she was not paying attention to the life lessons that the Brady bunch was putting out there. I just wonder if she ever did blow with Oliver the unsuccessful cousin that came along in the last season. However, after hearing this it would not surprise me.- Source

As stated earlier, this has been going on from the beginning time. There will be many more to follow and only they can set the bar lower than these four. Hopefully, there is someone out there to conquer all that have gone before them and truly make the oddest barter the world has ever seen.