Cloud69 Sex Blog

There are thousands of women getting naked and having sex on film for money but only a choice few really are able to make a career out of it.  Even a smaller percentage are able to set up enterprises to make money once they are no longer in front of the camera.  Here are the best of the best in the adult entertainment industry.

5. Hillary Scott

Hillary grew up in Naperville, Illinois where she lost her virginity at 16 and her high school sweet heart was a chick. After high school she worked at a bank selling mortgages. It’s a little known fact that 82% of all porn stars sold mortgages at one point in their lives.[citation needed] She wasn’t a fan of the uniform or restrictions on her piercings so she came to LA to enter the adult film industry. She stared in a few low budget films and ended up winning awards for “Best Oral Scene” and “Best Group Scene”. She also was awarded the title Orgasmic Oralist, which should be every girls goal to achieve at some point.

She was the first guest on Howard Stern’s spoof of Inside the Actors Studio and later on the Howard Stern radio show. It was there she announced, after playing the anal ring toss game I assume, that she had signed the largest porn contract in history which was with SexZ Pictures and was for one million dollars over four years. She didn’t finish out the contract and now books her own scenes. Hopefully she has the title Orgasmic Oralist on her business card. - Source

4. Houston:

Houston was discovered while dancing in the Tropicana strip club by adult film director Peter Davy. She got a contract and was earning $1,000 a month before leaving for Metro Global Media. It was there in 1999 that she had her most famous exploit in the film Houston 500 when she had sex with about 620 men without interruption.

Don’t even ask about the number discrepancy. I think everyone was fine with it since it was above and not below the number in the title. In the same year she claimed to be pulling in over a million including $20,000 a pop strip club appearances. In one of her over 50 appearances on the Howard Stern show she announced she was getting her labia surgically trimmed to make it look better in close up shots and because it was causing her problems while stripping. Apparently every other stripper just deals with this problem or Houston’s was just out of control. Either way she got rid of it and sold the piece for $10,000 at an online auction.

She tried to start a music career but since it was summarized in one sentence on Wikipedia I doubt it ever took off. In 2000 she appeared on a VH1 special and unfortunately you know that’s usually the last stop for someone’s career in the entertainment industry. - Source

3. Maria Takagi

Maria has been out of the business since 2004 but she made the list by getting it done for those two years. It helped that she was from Japan. She was incredibly hot and talented and was basically the Tiger Woods of the Japanese adult film industry. At the XCity’s Adult Video Grand Prix Awards she took home best new actress, best actress, best video title, best conversation, and prettiest face in 2003. Best conversation? That sounds like something one of the producers did as a joke then accidentally got put in the real show. Besides that it’s pretty impressive since she is competing against almost a billion Asians.

She signed her big contract with Max A worth about 300 million yen which came out to about $86,000 per film. I think the Japanese are a little better at math than the people Houston works for. Currently she is doing mainstream dramas and movies in Japan which probably means no one outside of Japan will ever see them. - Source

2. Tera Patrick

Tera, named at birth Linda Ann Hopkins Shapiro, started off strong in the modeling industry and had been noticed before she turned 16. She did a lot of work in Europe and Asia then decided to come back t o U.S. and earned a biology degree at Boise State. After that she received a degree as an EMT and officially become the hottest real life nurse ever.

She had gone into nursing to help ‘give back’ but she felt she had given enough and went back into modeling. She was in basically every magazine and is still the only woman to be on the covers of Playboy and Penthouse at the same time. By 1999 she felt not enough people had seen her naked and started doing some soft core films and in 2000 appeared in her first hard core feature. Her and her new husband Evan Seinfeld started Teravision which has exploded as a quality adult film producer and contractor. She is the president of Teravision which is worth about 30 million and remains very active in the adult film industry and also raises money for breast cancer awareness. She is basically the Mr. Rogers of the porno industry. - Source

1. Jenna Jameson

Jenna started her film career in 1993 and is considered the most famous porn star ever. She has won award after award and absolutely killed it with Briana Loves Jenna which was produced by her entertainment company Club Jenna in 2001. In the same year she earned $60,000 for a day and a half shoot and could earn up to $25,000 a night dancing. How much have you ever made just to have sex? Less than what you’ve ever paid someone to have sex? In 2004 her autobiography came out which was co-written(read, entirely written) by Neil Strauss and it was on the NY Times Best Seller list for six weeks. At one point Pony planned to feature her in a shoe advertisement which made Bill O’Reilly flip out.

She sent his show an email stating that the tapes of her he had purchased must have been for strictly professional reasons. Bravo. Any enemy of Bill O’Reilly is a friend of mine. Playboy has since acquired her company ClubJenna which was bringing in yearly revenues of $30 million and I have a feeling she can live a very comfortable life on whatever she got for the company. - Source

Honorable Mention Peter North/Ron Jeremy:

In case you weren’t aware women make a shit load more than men in the porn industry. They make at least two to three times more than men. For whatever reason there aren’t as many male actors who have gone on to create their own companies. It may be due to the face recognition that women have. I still feel it’s only fair to mention these two. They are the two most popular guys in the whole industry and have made thousands of films between the two of them. The amount of cum they have given to the industry can probably fill a small sea. They should get some recognition for that. Too bad North has fallen out of the spot light and Ron Jeremy is getting screamed at by Vanilla Ice.

Then again I struggle to feel bad for people who got to screw the above people on this list for a living.

This recession is affecting everyone. Some have to cut costs, some companies are closing, a lot of people are unemployed and people are skimping on their electric bill to maintain their porn site subscriptions. I think it’s safe to say porn related expenses have been affected the least from downturn in the economy. So adult entertainment companies need to keep supplying the public with what they want. Unfortunately they aren’t immune to the economic problems so to avoid going out of business they need to cut some corners. Here are some suggestions for those companies that want to weather the storm.

Location:

Obviously the setting is important to set the mood. Big beds, silk sheets, decorations, music, extras, lighting, etc. So this might be an issue for people who prefer to only watch porn that takes place in exotic locations such as beautiful beaches and the top of the Eiffel Tower. Those present different problems but some can be dealt with detailed backdrops or some subtle dialog like “Hey, let’s have sex on top of the Eiffel Tower.” Most people don’t have fancy tastes like that and are content as long as someone is getting drilled or blown. It’s pretty easy to minimize the surroundings and just focus on those things. You can use real small rooms, make the bed optional, keep everything dark so there’s nothing else to see, and just stick to close ups the entire time. I don’t know if it exists but the Vagtastic Voyage that was mentioned in Superbad has perfected minimizing costs. They just pick up girls in a windowless van and drive around while they get fucked. Since there are no windows they may even just forget using gas and park in a garage.

Models:

Some actresses have made it big doing porn for as long as they can. They are good at what they do and get compensated for it. People will buy things just because of name recognition. I mean imagine if Jenna Jameson sold dildos or Lebron James starred in a porn. They would both be very profitable. In times like these consumers may be ok with a little less quality and start shopping a little smarter. Instead of paying $150 for Lebron’s shoes they may hit up Payless at the local mall.

Instead of paying top dollar for a Jenna Jameson porno they may be content with anyone with a vagina under 30 years old. Some of the top names are going to have to ‘negotiate’ for price with producers until they can reach an agreeable number. I’m not sure how sexual favors are thought of in the sex industry. Otherwise they are going to go with the no name chick making $2.75/hour waiting tables that will do anything for some extra money. Extortion is one of the first things you learn at porno film school.

Film Crew Synergy:

Like I mentioned before many producers still insist on having some sort of plot or set up for the eventual sex scenes. Some of these may involve outdoor shots or other characters or extras. First off, if anything is going to be filmed in public you should just get the tape rolling and see what happens. You’re not going to get any more genuine expressions or emotions from low paid actors than you will from startled pedestrians. Use their reactions or even have dialog with them that can be dubbed over later like kung fu movies. If there are scenes that need specific dialog but no nudity why not grab one of the crew members. Like that asshole who snaps that board and says action. He’s sitting around like 70% of the time so make it worth your while.

Also, if you have any good looking, shameless crew members see if they want to get in on a scene. They probably get pretty frustrating watching people have sex all day. Let ‘em loose. You might find you’re next star.

Film:

There is one thing I find odd about people that watch porn and I’m not excluding myself. There really isn’t much difference between any one movie and another and yet we feel the need to buy new stuff all the time. Crazy shit like tentacles raping Chinese school girls aside there are a few basic things that happen and that’s about it.

There’s less than 10 camera angles in any movie and even less if you already cut back on scenery and aren’t bothering with any wide shots. So would it be that hard, and more importantly noticeable, if some of those cut scenes were just looped at different times throughout the movie. You’ll notice the same thing in old movies with low budgets. In a car chase they will appear to fly around the same corner three different times. Using this strategy, depending on the number of cameras you have, you could make a 45 minute movie with like 15 minutes of footage. You save on film, overhead expenses, wages for any hourly employees, and lunch break expenses. No one gets a break when you only work for a half hour and this way you can crank out a ton more movies in a shorter amount of time. You could make a whole five movie series in an afternoon.

Advertise:

One way producers can make some extra money to help pay expenses is through advertising. Companies will pay you in exchange for you placing their brand names into different shots. Remember that two hour commercial for Converse that they called I, Robot?

It’s just like that. Do everything else the same you would otherwise, just make sure when they smoke afterwards that you can clearly see they are smoking brand X. Now I understand there may be fewer things and places to put ads on if you’re already using the cuts I’ve mentioned but the human body is a perfect place for product placement. Instead of some Japanese symbol on the small of her back throw some ads on there instead.

So when someone wants to refurnish their deck they are going to think of the Home Depot ad they saw last night when they were rubbing one out.

Best of:

Everyone loves best of CDs. Half the time people will just burn their own mix of their favorite songs by one artist. They always have those big collections from different decades and anytime a musician hasn’t sold a record in a while they come out with a greatest hits.

The best part about them is that there is hardly ever any new material. At best they throw on what they call bonus tracks. Somehow you’re convinced they are special just cause they aren’t old when in reality it’s like you just a bought a two song CD. This would absolutely work for porno DVDs. The technology to mix and match music is still much easier for most people than trying it with video. People will definitely give out their credit card info for a best of DVD.

As you can see there are plenty of ways to cut corners in tough times. As long as two semi attractive people are going at it people will buy it. Forget the bells and whistles while the economy recovers. As long as producers keep the movies coming people will keep on cumming.

If you’re anything the kids in Superbad you are interested in the quality of your porn. Is it too much to ask for some production value or plot development? Actually it is. Too many people have low standards for their porn so there isn’t enough demand for the entire industry to supply any additional quality. Notice I said the entire industry. There are a few brave souls with deep pockets who think its worth going the extra mile to make something above and beyond expectations. It also raises the question of how else they could be spending that money.

Flashpoint:

Budget: $220,000

What that could have bought: 473 complete sets(31 disks) of Now That’s What I Call Music

Flashpoint X took its theme from the movie Backdraft. I didn’t think the movie was ever that popular and I have no idea how someone made the connection between a fire fighter drama and a porn but it worked. It featured Jenna Jamison in her prime and a few other rising stars. Thanks to the budget it boasts some impressive pyrotechnics. I’m guessing there is a fire and scantily clad women wearing no fire proof clothing put it out then celebrate by getting down.

Manhunters:

Budget: $250,000

What that could have bought: 5,000 Great American Challenge Dildos

Manhunters follows four female bounty hunters who are out looking for bad guys. That’s about it. I’m not sure if they sleep with bad guys once they catch them or just stick to making out with random people they meet in their travels. It is considered very high quality for its genre. The production and acting were well above average. I love how having a semi decent plot puts you in the cream of the crop of pornos. It was nominated for a total of 17 AVN awards. Those are porn awards. Kind of like what Brian won in that Family Guy episode.

Fashionistas:

Budget: $500,000

What that could have bought: 6,896 Black Mink Fur Coats

The production crew went all out for this one. They didn’t skimp on anything. The filming and look of the film was on par with most Hollywood blockbusters. They also had some incredible costumes to add to the effect.  This wasn’t your average porn. I have no idea what it is about. My guess is it focuses on a group of performers like Cirque du Solei. Then, whenever they aren’t on stage they are having some high production quality sex with each other. Also the one lady reminds me of the blue singer chick from The Fifth Element.

Pirates:

Budget: $1,000,000

What it could have bought: 28 Custom Built Yankee Star Sail Boats

Pirates is one of the most talked about porns ever made. It reaped the benefits of the huge success of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It had a superstar cast and spared no expense. It isn’t just a porn, it’s a spectacle. There were more than 300 special effects that helped give it a real Michael Bay movie feel. It’s also one of the pornos to have its own original music score. Wait, what? Yes, contrary from popular, read my, belief not all the music used in any porns had been produced in the 70s. I would have loved to be in the room when they approached a composer and told them what kind of movie they were making. The whole thing was a huge hit and was well worth the money.

Uninhibited:

Budget: $1,200,000

What it could have bought: 42,328 Ultra Vibro T vibrators

A detectives partner is killed and is forced to work with, get this, Detective Jugginson to help solve the case. There are two crime families who are suspected to be involved and they need to investigate each one. While they aren’t having sex with each other they are sneaking around the families estates. Each estate seems to have quite a lot of naked women wandering about. If this had cost any less I wouldn’t be surprised if it was all the same extras at both estates. I don’t know if Detective Gunn and Jugginson ever find the murderer but they have a lot of sex in the attempt. And it’s really about the journey not the destination.

Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge:

Budget: $8,000,000

What it could have bought: 500,000 bottles of Captain Morgan rum

Anytime something like Pirates is successful there is going to be a sequel. Since Pirates was one of the best selling pornos ever produced they had some extra money to throw at the next one. It never got the same praise that the original did which is similar to the actual Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Maybe the expectations were too high, maybe they are just awaiting the third installment with some closure, or maybe they just had no idea who the fuck Stagnetti is. Quality wise though it was everything the original was just on a bigger scale. Plenty of special effects and lots of filthy pirate sex. All in all a very solid sequel.

Caligula:

Budget: $17,500,000

What it could have bought: 5,804 roundtrip plane tickets from NYC to Rome

This bad boy was over four hours long and full of debauchery. Caligula was a Roman emperor who wasn’t right in the head and basically made his palace into a brothel. He made people do whatever he wanted because that’s how shit goes when you’re the emperor of the one of the greatest civilizations the world has ever seen. It even landed an Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren, which was a pretty controversial move by her. The uncensored version was banned for a long time. After only 29 years you can now purchase the uncut version. That’s when you know you’ve made a solid flick.

Many of these are trying very hard to give the adult film industry a little more credibility. Most the time people are content with some girl getting fucked in the back of a van or a repair man coming to fix the cable. Occasionally though they want something more and the people responsible for the movies on this list are giving them that something extra as they try to narrow the gap between adult films and mainstream blockbusters.

Now everyone says size doesn’t matter. That’s true, as far as conception and having children goes but as far as pleasure it’s a pretty major factor. So obviously everyone wants to be like, to a point, that happy guy on tv who apparently gives his wife in the vicinity of 15 orgasms a day. They make it seem so simple. Just take this pill and she will love you. I see the next step being a pill for her that does the same thing and takes the guy out of the equation. Most of these pills have no FDA testing and there is no empirical evidence about what they actually do. Unfortunately there may be some side effects when you attempt to alter what genetics gave you at birth.

Oily skin and Blemishes:

So you’re worried about pleasuring the ladies but once you start taking the pill you look like you’re in 7^th grade again. That’s a word of warning to 7^th graders who just want to see what will happen. You kind of break even if you gain confidence in bed but lose confidence in day light. The oily skin is very attractive as well. Who doesn’t want their skin to have the same texture as a fish?

Priaprism:

This is the one you always hear on the commercials; if you have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours see a doctor immediately. Basically you have a permanent boner. Some might find that appealing but keep in mind it’s also extremely painful due to the pressure built up. There is only one way to fix it and it’s not pleasant. It involves a big long needle which is jammed into to your dick to remove all the blood that got stuck there. Late night trips to ER are huge mood killers. - Source

Kidney Failure:

Or to use the less pleasant term renal failure. Your kidneys filter all the bad chemicals out of your blood. Recently they have probably been working pretty hard with the crap people put into their bodies. Some male enhancement drugs contain things that can’t easily be broken down by the kidneys and can possibly cause damage to them. Luckily you have two but if both fail you better be right with God or be rich enough to harvest organs from homeless people. - Source

Viagra:

Probably the most famous drug of the bunch. The commercials feature a guy and his wife and lots of subtle hints that whenever he’s not playing golf and she’s not cooking they are banging non-stop. This new drug has clearly saved their marriage

The guy stares at the camera with that shit eating grin that is meant to distract you from hearing all the possible side effects. Some have reported change in vision. It wasn’t very specific so I suppose it could be positive changes. If that was the case I think they would be boasting vision correction in all of their commercials. Other vague reports have said effects can range from headaches all the way to seizures. That’s like if Tylenol PM effect’s ranged from drowsiness to putting you in a coma.

Lastly some people claimed to have become dependent on the drug to get aroused even if they could get it up before they started taking it. That is one that Viagra probably isn’t too upset about. It is probably step one in their plan for world dominance. If they can make human reproduction dependent on their drug then we’re screwed. - Source

Cialis:

Cialis is the other popular brand that is always advertised. Its big claim is you just need to take it within a day or so of when you think you might get some. I guess for those middle aged men who never know when they might take a long lunch and find a hooker.

Some of its reported side effects include vision or hearing loss. It’s a good thing this doesn’t already happen to people as they grow older. Maybe they assume it’s going to happen anyway and may as well get some pussy out of it. Other effects reported were shortness of breath or an irregular heartbeat. On the positive side that may just refer to how people feel just after sex if they haven’t been having much of it lately. - Source

Impotency:

Wait, one of the major reasons that people take male enhancement drugs is, in some cases, a side effect of said drugs. How did they pull that off? What if baldness was a side effect of Rogaine? What if a runny nose was a side effect of Sudafed? Is this what happened in Children of Men where no one could conceive?

Or is it another plan for world dominance? I’m a little worried at how easy it was to connect end of the world scenarios with side effects of drugs meant to make your dick work. None of this will matter though once machines enslave humanity. Then it will be their problem. - Source

Now to be fair many of these side effects are not common occurrences. Whenever a drug is sold they are legally obligated to disclose any and all results of the testing that was done. Some dude may have already been impotent and didn’t know it. Another might have been due for a seizure regardless of if he was involved in the testing. Even if one guy tried the drug, got a little disoriented and walked into traffic they would need to say ‘taking this drug may cause you to act like you’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Please consult your doctor.’

These are all still very experimental drugs. Some of them do work but the side effects can vary greatly. If you are so inclined make sure to do your research and talk to a doctor. Trust me whenever they come up with someone that doesn’t have any side effects you’ll hear about it. Even if the long term effect is turning you into one of those things from I Am Legend, it will be a good time until then.

So depending on what you include there have been about 800,000 movies ever produced. That means there have been easily over a million porn flicks made based on those movies. Some attempt to follow the plot of the original film while others may just have a familiar character or scene. And, in an improvement over the original, by the end of all of them everyone is naked. Most of them try to make some sort of pun off the original title hoping to boost sales with name recognition. These are some of my favorite titles that I’ve selecting using a very elaborate rating system that I can’t even begin to explain in less than 4,000 words. Enjoy.

Romancing the Bone:

This one doesn’t have any secrets about what’s going on. For the majority of the 76 minute length of this movie there will be a chick wining and dining some guy’s dong. In the original a girl from the big city meets up with a soldier of fortune while searching for treasure in Colombia. In the porn I assume that the big city girl romances her partner’s boner while getting involved in all sorts of shenanigans… and gang bangs.

After doing such a good job throughout the movie I’m sure the girl finds the bone of all bones to romance in her loft apartment back in the city. That’s assuming there even is an ending. They probably decide to just continue the no pants dance and forget about why they were in Colombia to begin with.

Clear and Pleasant Stranger:

I love this one because there is no possible way it’s going to remotely resemble the original Harrison Ford flick. Maybe Jack ‘The Mack’ Ryan saves a member of the royal family in England and as a reward gets to bang anyone in the royal court he wants. But then he bangs an ex girlfriend of some NRA radical so they have to compete and see who can make the girl orgasm the most in one night. I would also love a judge cameo James Earl Jones.

Fun fact; this movie is also known as Patriot X. That means they wasted two blockbusters in one movie. Unless they were hoping some dumb ass would buy the same movie twice.

Tale of Two Titties:

I can only imagine how badly they twisted this plot from the original classic tale. Maybe it was unavoidable when the author has the word dick in his last name. The original story takes place during the bloody French Revolution where everyone wants to avoid the guillotine and live happily ever after. Late 18^th century Paris is not a common setting for any of the porn I’ve seen. I guess it could be an excuse to dress up in ridiculous clothes and wigs but then again it would take a while to get out of all those clothes. I think a hilarious scene would be an affair getting broken up as the man takes 35 minutes to put his clothes back on before an enraged husband tries to break in with his pitch fork.

My guess is they throw in some familiar images in the same manner the recent spoof movies do; don’t interact with it or make a joke about it. Just have it there so people acknowledge it and help justify the name of your movie.

Everybody Does Raymond:

A key factor in making a good pun for a porno flick is how easily it rolls off the tongue and sounds like the original. I was never a fan of the less subtle approach such as Being John Malkovich While Fucking Hot Young Co-eds 5! It’s good if you can say the real title without people realizing what you just said. Then you can trick girlfriends into watching porn and argue that they totally agreed to it when you asked them earlier. I also like this one because in his show Raymond’s life gets metaphorically fucked by his crazy family at every turn. He deserves to get a little something for his trouble. With that said, Ray Ramano should in no way be involved with the film.

Star Whores:

I had to include this since I’m a bit of a Star Wars nerd myself. There are just so many possibilities. You have six movies and an entire universe of characters and ridiculous aliens to use. Princess Leia would obviously be getting drilled left and right. You could combine the lucrative demographic of star wars nerds and midget porn with Yoda, Ewoks and Jawas. Try previously impossible sexual positions with Jedis using the force. Have Lando turn Cloud City into the most exclusive brothel in the universe. You can have bounty hunters that don’t kill people but try to make sex tapes with famous, important people. And for those who can look past the incest, Leia can go back in time and make one of the hottest lesbian scenes in the galaxy with Padme.

Spermbusters:

Basically just picture the end of the first movie when they are all covered in the remains of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and add in a few more hookers off the streets of New York and that’s probably where Spermbusters begins.

XXX Files:

If the producers can find someone who looks enough like Gillian Anderson I’m all about this one. Any X Files fan always wanted to see her take off her lab coat or damn pants suit.

The title is subtle and straight forward. It’s almost as if they had the release of the porno in mind when they first created the show. I picture Mulder with a Playboy spread on his wall with the caption ‘I want to fuck’. Then he will go sleep with however many people it takes to solve the case and Scully will help rig any ensuing paternity tests. How can that miss?

Robocock:

This may not even be a movie. It could be an infomercial for a movie themed sex machine. There is no amount of money I wouldn’t give to see Billy Mays back in action promoting this bad boy. For just three easy payments!

I could go on and on with these but all good things must come to an end. As long as Hollywood keeps making movies some guy in his basement will continue to make them into pornos. Here are a few more for the road.

Snatch Adams: Everyone’s dream is to help sick children in lonely hospitals. Then sleep with every young hot nurse who is just looking to marry a doctor.

There will be Cum: More than you can imagine!

Armagetiton: Sex on an asteroid with a Liv Tyler look-alike. I’m in.

Inspect her gadget: And we’re not talking about that crazy laptop book she had.

Men in Black Who Like to Have Sex With Each Other: Hey look, an alien… Yea, we should probably have sex with it.

And Many More…

Aside from cosmic omnipotence, the gods aren’t so different from us, right? We’ve all awoken on unfamiliar living room floor with no pants, and a pounding headache that only reminds us how much we regret the previous night.

Here are some sexual misadventures for which the deities would probably want a do-over.

Freya shags dwarves for bling, dooming humankind to war

If Greek love goddess Aphrodite was the ever-unattainable mega-babe whose mere presence and poise entrances the entire club, Freya is the equally hot but obnoxiously drunk chick shouting “WOOOO!!” and grinding against whichever dude just paid for her last drink. No one’s sure if any dude has actually managed to make it with the Aphrodite chick, she seems out of everyone’s league…everyone’s seen Freya vacuum the saliva off the tongue of the most dudes and at least a few chicks every Friday night. Hell, that’s why Friday’s named after her.

Freya didn’t have much for standards. In one of her more infamous stories, she travels to the land of the dwarves, and comes to a mountainous hoard of their crafted treasures. She becomes entranced by the sheer weight and beauty of the Necklace of Brisingamen, although to be honest, the damn thing was only +10 Intellect, +15 Stamina.

She offers the four dwarves in charge of the hoard gold and silver for the necklace, which would be like trying to buy Disney World by offering to trade them a box of Mickey Mouse caps. Their counteroffer shocks her at first (since most mythical dwarves weren’t exactly renowned for their studliness), but then she figues what the hell? It’s only four nights, and damn that necklace is sweet!

She proceeds to permit the dwarves the very zenith of their dwarfy lives, one by one, for four straight nights. Of course, this coup didn’t go unnoticed by trickster god Loki who, disguised as a flea, was furiously jerking off in the corner before he had the great idea to steal the necklace right off her while she was still in a dwarf-induced sex coma. Loki presented the necklace and the story to all-powerful Viking sky-father and Freya’s main dude Odin, who was so pissed that he demanded especially bloody war and strife between human kingdoms in return for the necklace. Freya, whose job it was to ensure the wars were merely headbangingly metal rather than apocalyptic, quickly agreed. For some fucking neck bling.

Dropped the ball on that one, lady.

Zeus: the original furry

If Greek mythology is to believed, then most of the world’s problems are the direct result of the gods’ inability to keep their magnificent genitals in their togas. Zeus was the worst (best?) one of all for sexual depravity. His sexual resume left in the wake scads of bastard kids who would grow up to be most of Greece’s mythological heroes. However, the impressiveness of the sheer quantity of illegitimate children was matched by the weirdness of how he’d go about it.

Leda was the queen of Sparta, and Zeus had been crushing on her for awhile. Finally, he decides he’s had enough stalking her, he was a damn god, right? He was just going to swoop in with all his glory and have his way with her. Except he didn’t want Hera to find out, so he played it smooth. He pretended to be a swan getting chased by an eagle and whoops, he fell over right into her lap. Normally, this would be the part where she would pick up the poor swan, kiss it, and it would turn into the God of Doin’ You All Night. No, Zeus stayed in swan-form and rocked her world anyway. Because why the fuck not, that’ s why.

Leda would end up giving birth (or laying eggs, depending on the story) to more mythological heroes, including eternally forbidden booty-call, Helen of Troy. She’s probably most famous for being depicted in the middle of toe-curling orgasm…while mounted by large waterfowl. In fact, that’s one of the more famous mythological scenes to be depicted in art, including one by Michelangelo.

Seriously, go google “Leda and the Swan” and get ready for the most swan-on-chick action outside of furry web portals.

Incidentally, this wasn’t the only time Zeus took the shape of an animal for a booty call. He also famously showed up as a bull before princess Europa, namesake of one of those places overseas that are filled with foreigners. She somehow thought that was the dead sexiest thing she’d ever seen, and was spirited away to mother some more heroes.

Two Ojibwe girls sex their way to the heavens, have to sex their way back down

The Ojibwe are broad group of Native Americans who settled in the U.S. upper Midwest and Canada. Their religious and mythological tradition involves a lot of spirit creatures, and you can probably see where this is going. Yep, this one has all the best parts from the two above – bestiality, and trading sex for personal gain.

The story goes that two Ojibwe girls were at the mall or the hair salon or wherever the hell it is that girls are when they’re bitching to each other about men. The mere human guys available to them were apparently unsatisfactory in the sack, and clearly they hadn’t met any internet comedy writers yet. They needed more passion, more fire than their current boyfriends could offer. So what are the most burnin’ hot things in the entire cosmos?

These self-important brats were convinced only the stars themselves could satisfy them. So they dreamed about it so hard, they found themselves in the world of stars, where they proceeded to get busy, giving a new meaning to that Nine Inch Nails song.

Well, they must have tired of having their vaginas singed by surface temperatures of 9,800 ° F, because they decided that home wasn’t so bad after all and plotted to escape. Forethought was their strong suit, however, and the rope they made to climb down from the heavens only got them so far as the Eagle’s nest. From there, they were rescued by Wolverine

…who subjected them nightly to a fur and claw storm of a threesome. Eventually, the girls were able to convince Wolverine Woman to take their place one night while they snuck away, and Wolverine didn’t notice the switcheroo until the next morning. Apparently Wolverine Woman was just as good in bed as two human girls, and so Wolverine decides that makes up for how god-awful ugly she is.

The moral of the story? Ladies: don’t be so quick to dismiss the neighborhood guys. Guys: they’re all pretty much the same when the lights are off.

Yahweh smites a guy for pulling out

You thought Christianity would miss this party? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Before God became a single parent and decided He had to mellow out a bit and get His act together, He was a brilliant yet temperamental eccentric who did things like flood the planet, set Himself on fire, and prohibit shellfish. In many ways, He was a more interesting flawed character, at least until Jesus stole the limelight with all his hippy peace and love crap.

One of Yahweh’s favorite Old Testament things to do was to play around with people’s sex lives, and instruct one character to go breed with another character like it was all a geneological soap opera for Him. Either that, or He was somewhat of a voyeur. We’re learning toward that explanation, because when He gave you instructions about who and how to fuck, He stuck around to make you sure did it, damnit.

In Genesis, one of the main characters was Judah, a pretty important dude who would go onto be the namesake of the Tribe of Judah and Judaism in general, as well as an ancestor to Jesus’s human stepdad. Judah’s first son Er was killed off by Yahweh for being wicked, and his second son was named Onan. Judah was presumably doing the Lord’s Work when he instructed Onan

“Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to they brother.” (Genesis 38: 8).

Now, it’s not out of the question for a reasonable man to have misgivings about impregnating his newly widowed sister-in-law. Onan dutifully “goes into” Tamar, but has last-minute second thoughts

” And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.” (Genesis 38: 9).

This is where Yahweh reveals that He’d been watching all along, stroking His divine schlong while a choir of angels awkwardly hummed smooth, funky jazz. He does not approve of this sissy “pulling out” crap. Not even for a facial.

” And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.” (Genesis 38: 10).

Boom. Dead. We’re dying to know what for God’s wrath took for this murder, all the detail we get is “slew.”

Also, by now, Tamar’s had two husbands just keel over, one immediately post-orgasm. Poor girl probably thinks she has a possessed vagina.

So as you may or may not know there are quite a number of fetishes that people indulge in. Many are recognized or semi-accepted and you can find porn of it online without giving your credit card information. The next level are ones that probably require some sort of paid membership to a site, forum , or from back in the day, a newsletter. After that you find that even in the anonymity of cyberspace people don’t want to admit or be associated with certain activities. These are the types of interests that can earn someone a call from the authorities or end a relationship after an attempt at honesty. These types of fetishes may be extremely rare but due to the large number of them it’s probably safe to assume the guy you sit next to a work is interested in at least one of them.

Agalmatophilia:

This is the sexual attraction to a statue, doll or mannequin. I would guess that most cases of this stemmed from two things. First off if you grew up in the 80s there was a kids show about a mannequin that came to life every night. It also involved some Muppets, little kids, and a chick that was probably the basis for Beyonce’s character in Goldmember. Everyone knows what I’m talking about and for everyone who can’t remember what it was called, it was Today’s Special.

The other was a classicly bad 80s movie named Mannequin, which boasts winning an Oscar. Too bad the Oscar was for best original song which is like the physical trainer for the Steelers bragging about his super bowl rings. This condition was first clinically studied in 1877 when a gardener was caught trying to have sex with the statue of Venus de Milo.

Other cases have shown people who are attracted to the immobility of statues and trying to put themselves into that state. So next time you see some homeless guy molesting a statue don’t just assume he’s insane. He may have Agalmatophilia. -Source

Robot fetishism (aka ASFR or technosexuality):

This is described as an “attraction to humanoid or non-humanoid robots.”, which is just a redundant way of saying robots. It also applies to people acting or dressed up as robots. Not surprisingly you can relate this back to tv from the 70s and 80s. Lee Majors, which is one of the manliest names I’ve ever heard, was the Six Million Dollar Man in the 70s and women loved him.

I’m sure at least one lonely lady taped his picture on some home appliance and tried to have sex with it. This idea was perpetuated with the Fembots in Austin Powers. Luckily Austin used his mojo to out-sex the robots.

Maybe they should have used him to help fight the Terminators. (Editor’s note: Please delete this. If Mike Meyers reads this he might try to make that movie and if he does, God help us.) People into this are split into two camps(although they are all science fiction nerds). One prefers to interact with robots and the others prefer to fantasize about becoming the robot. I always try to be fair and make sure to ridicule them both equally. - Source

Spectrophilia:

This is not, as I wrongly assumed, a sexual attraction the Specter character from the Twisted Metal video game.

It is actually the attraction to or desire to have sex with ghosts, apparitions, or reflections. Reflections? Does this include any type of sex done within view of a mirror? Once again this condition has appeared in pop culture in the movie Ghost. Apparently Demi Moore will sleep with anyone, from a dead guy, to a creepy politician in Striptease, and finally to Ashton Kutcher. It’s one thing to fantasize about this through imagination, drawings, and stories but there are some people who get off by literally have sex with ghosts. Either these people are disillusioned, have fantastic imaginations, or remain frustrated their entire life. It’s like someone who can only get off by having sex with Bigfoot.

Best of luck with that. - Source

Formicophilia:

People who have this derive sexual pleasure from insects crawling on someone’s body and obviously focusing on their genitals. This sounds like an X-rated version of Fear Factor. I would love to see someone with this condition go against the crack addict from Chapelle’s Show on that show.

As far as movies in the 80s I can safely say the chick from The Temple of Doom did not have this condition but I wouldn’t be surprised if that actress did. This has been found to be more common in developing countries where people sleep on the ground or outside. As if anything good comes from sleeping on the ground.

If someone regularly has bugs on or around them when they are going through puberty they can start getting pleasure from it. So if your in high school keep this in mind next time you get drunk and pass out in your friends yard. - Source

Hybristophilia:

This is like how girls always want the bad ass guy who drives fast cars, smokes, and doesn’t respect authority except on steroids. This is an attraction to someone who has committed a gruesome crime. It’s sometimes known as the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome even though I don’t consider robbing banks very gruesome. The person who coined that term probably worked for the FDIC.

People who have committed terrible crimes actually receive fan mail from woman who are presumably asking about the inmates conjugal visit schedule. One chick actually married a guy who murdered 13 people while he was still incarcerated. When I first read about this one the first thing that came to mind was Wiegel from Reno 911! and her boyfriend who had severed limbs in jars sitting around his apartment.  Of all the things on the list this is probably one of the most dangerous fetishes to partake in. - Source

Now I suppose most of these, besides the ‘I like to sleep with mass murderers’ one, are fairly harmless. That is, as long as you’re not worried about harming your reputation or relationships. None of these are exactly socially acceptable and can cause a lot of disturbed looks if you try to act on any of them in public. Worst case you’ll be having a real rough time once everyone in your jail cell finds out why you got locked up.

A celebrity sex tape used to be a pretty big deal. It was a novel idea and you needed to be pretty bold to pull it off. Also you needed like two grand worth of camera equipment and some expertise at using one. Now I’m pretty sure you could make one withyour blue tooth ear piece. Recently it seems to be primarily a PR move by people who’s only talent is looking good naked but refuse to do porn. Sometimes it works out and the ones involved become internet celebrities over night. Other times the videos aren’t received so well and the only people who look for them are drunk college kids at 4am. Here are of the most well known sex tapes and their varying levels of success.

Pamela Anderson:

We may as well start at the top and work our way down. The sex tape entitled Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore & Uncensored was the first of its kind. It was the fucking Lewis and Clark of celebrity sex tapes.

It follows the newlyweds through parts of their wedding and their honeymoon while Pam lounges around looking incredibly hot and Tommy struts around and shows everyone that one of his grandparents may have been a horse. The movie also includes them doing things that aren’t having sex which some feel makes it a little more genuine. Others balk at that and get upset when people aren’t always having sex for them to masturbate to. Both of them continued to be successful and make money. Probably due to both of them actually having some actual talent, which is something people could learn from. - Source

Dustin Diamond:

Most well known as the lovably nerd Screech who was infatuated with Lisa Turtle from the classic Saved By The Bell, Dustin Diamond kinda fell off the face of the earth after the show ended. The main point to take away here is that everyone was pretty ok with not knowing his whereabouts. Then he suddenly showed up 150 lbs heavier on Celebrity Fit Club threatening to fight a drill sergeant and coming out with a sex tape entitled ‘Screeched’.

The whole thing turned out to be a publicity stunt and Diamond was just trying to make a quick buck. He clearly needed it because he didn’t have many bucks to begin with and it showed in the quality of his video. Diamond seemed misguided in his opinion of what people wanted when you hear reviews like “Screeched features too many shots of Dustin Diamond’s face.”

His DVD also includes ‘bonus’ scenes of actual professional porn because apparently he knew no one would pay money just to see his hairy ass. It also doesn’t give much credibility to his claim that the video got “leaked.” I guess it worked in the short term because people on tmz.com with nothing better to do talked about him for a while but he is once again irrelevant and once again everyone is fine with that. - Source

Paris Hilton:

Paris reminds me a little bit of Jessica Simpson in that both have made way too much money by being stupid than someone as stupid as they are perceived to be. Did ya follow that? I’m pretty sure this tape was legitimately leaked without her knowledge and she was upset to begin with. But then she played it perfectly and became more famous (or infamous) than she already was, all the while maintaining her clueless ditzy persona. Now she’s had multiple tv shows, the latest involving people competing to be her new best friend forever. Am I the only one who’s heads tries to explode every time I read that sentence.

It bothers me Paris’ career has completely blown up since her sex tape but like I said she’s way too successful to be as stupid as everyone thinks. - Source

Kim Kardashian:

This chick basically sat down with her high school guidance counselor and told her she wanted to do the Paris Hilton sex tape path to success. Once again she was only remotely famous and her only talent was being hot.

She acted upset at first but the fact that she became much more well known after it and that she couldn’t act made that short lived and a little insincere. She eventually won a nice sum of money in an out of court settlement with the company that claimed ownership of the sex tape. Within a year she had her own reality show called Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which is just as bad as it sounds. I’ve never actually seen it but I think it’s fair to say it’s a bunch of spoiled people complaining about a lifestyle most people will never be able to afford.- Source

Joanie Laurer:

Many of you probably don’t recognize that name and rightfully so. She is much better known by the name Chyna when she was a WWF diva. This was before the WWF decided the divas should just stick to being hot instead of actually bigger and stronger than half the male wrestlers.

Three years after she left the WWF and after a few stints on The Surreal Life she decided to make a sex tape. It was called 1 Night in China and was with Sean Waltman, aka X-Pac, who I’m a little ashamed to say was a personal favorite of mine back in the day. I mean back in the day when WWF was popular along with Chyna and X-Pac. Time and time again the revitalize your career with a sex tape does not seem to pan out. Especially if your career is already at the VH1 Surreal Life stage. Speaking of Surreal Life cast members… - Source

Verne Troyer:

Everyone loved this guy in the Austin Powers series. No matter how repetitious the movies became people always enjoyed the little guy getting smashed into every piece of furniture in a room while stuck inside a duffel bag.

Once Michael Meyers stopped making movies Verne was out of luck and decided the next logical step was an appearance on The Surreal Life. He got right to work at building his image when on the first night he got drunk, puttered around on his motorized scooter naked and pissed in the hallway. You might assume that was the most embarrassing thing millions of people would watch him do but you would be wrong.

In 2008 a sex tape between him and his girlfriend was leaked by TMZ and sold to the public. Troyer is currently in court after he sued TMZ and an online rental company for invasion of privacy.

As you can see it’s all about timing. If no one knows who you are, making a hot sex tape is a good way to get noticed. People don’t have an opinion of the person and base their decision to watch on the fact that someone is naked. If people already know who you are and don’t seem that interested in you anymore it’s probably not the best career move. At that point no one cares and you’re just working your way towards a VH1 Where Are They Now? special. So for those aspiring young hot actresses this might work out for you. If you were popular five years ago you should probably refrain and just admit that you’ve had your 15 minutes of fame.