There is Always the Surreal Life…

Unlike most desired attributes in the industry the window of opportunity for porn stars is pretty small. At one end is that pesky, occasionally ignored rule against hiring minors and at the other end is the performer getting replaced by a younger star or saying “there’s no fucking way I’m doing that”. It really is one of the only professions left where you can fire someone strictly for their looks and not worry about that expensive lawsuit. Here are a few examples of what people did when they weren’t being degraded for the entertainment of others…. with the exception of the Surreal Life.

Cali Cox

Calli Cox, which to the surprise of no one is not her real name, was teaching in the small town of Effingham, Illinois in the mid 90s. After giving it serious thought and presumably during a long dry spell of boyfriends she decided to put her teaching degree to good use and enter the world of pornography. Her claim to fame was a two year stint in a series called Shane’s World where she showed her love for higher education by screwing drunk college students which led to some students regretting their decision. Similar to those racists kids with the RV in Borat. Once Cox stopped working with cocks she worked as the companies public relations representative before fading away into our memories of poor quality VHS tapes.- Source

Crystal Gunns

Our next story doesn’t have quite the same happy ending. Ms. Tuck, formally known as Crystal Gunns, was the cover model for Score Magazine and had appeared on numerous films. After leaving the porn industry she took the next logical step and became a lunch lady at a NJ elementary school. Obviously once word got out about her past all the hardworking housewives with rich husbands lost their shit and demanded she be fired. The school had no legal recourse but Gunns decided to quit. She submitted a one sentence resignation which ending by saying she ‘was leaving in good standing’ and was most likely a run on sentence.- Source

Bambi Woods

Bambi Woods in Debbie Does Dallas was the Olivia Newton-John of the porno world. Starring role in an iconic film followed by no one ever hearing from her again. Some have described it as ‘paradoxical’ that she didn’t have sex with anyone actually from Dallas. These are the same people who will balk if you tell them Batman wasn’t filmed in Gotham City. She kinda fell off the map and all sorts of rumors popped up including stripping across the country and dying from a overdose 13 years ago. There was an attempt by some people to make a documentary about her life, but they probably didn’t leave their basement, never found her whereabouts and said ‘fuck it’ and made up some disappearance story. She actually dated John Belushi for a while which we assume consisted of her running to the store to pick up cases of whiskey to help him prepare for his role in Animal House. Currently she is leading a very quiet life in California and commented that it’s very easy to keep a low profile when you keep to yourself and aren’t fucking every citizen in Dallas. - Source

Ron Jeremy

There aren’t many more successful, well known/endowed and odd looking former stars of the industry than Ron Jeremy. He has appeared in over 1,900 films and can allegedly blow himself without breaking his neck like that unfortunate guy in Clerks. Once he decided pornography wasn’t classy enough for him he made an appearance on the Surreal Life. On the show he voted against Vanilla Ice(after swearing on his mother’s grave that he wouldn’t) which prompted one of the best melt downs in reality TV history that included Ice destoying the set and yelling such gems as “I put him on my new album and told everyone how fucking cool he was!” Everyone knows you’re not cool unless Vanilla ‘Rob Van Winkle’ Ice says you are on his album. He also had a cameo in Boondock Saints. He played a sleezy disgruntled low level mafia figure who gets killed during a titty show. Ok, so I guess that wasn’t too hard of a role to get into. - Source and Source

Jackie Chan

Jeremy isn’t the only one who’s made the jump to mainstream films after doing porn. It is rare though and takes a certain breed of person who has shown through their on screen characters they don’t really care what people think of them…. or that they can hardly speak English. Enter Jackie Chan.

If someone kidnapped Chan, hooked him up to a lie detector and asked him what film he was most embarrassed about I guarantee you Rush Hour 3 or that awful western spoof top the list over his appearance in a Hong Kong porno co-starring the Jenna Jameson of the eastern hemisphere. Also if someone felt the need to kidnap Chan and not bother with the rest I don’t think anyone would stop you. Just make sure you don’t take him somewhere that’s under construction of he will kick your ass via the scaffolding.-Source

Sly Stallone

Before Sly was shooting steroids for Rocky he was playing the role of Stud and shooting his load all over Kitty and her friends in the cleverly named “The Party at Kitty and Stud’s”. It did seem like a step up for the 24 year old who was working as a movie usher where I like to assume he boxed delinquent teenagers who wouldn’t shut the hell up during the movie. Sly used the most of his break and went on to grace us with such classics as Over the Top and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.-Source

You can see that porn stars can come from or go to just about any walk of life. The most interesting part to me is the transition phase which at some point needs to include an interview. Do aspiring porn stars put ‘enjoy sleeping around and cheating on my boyfriend’ on their resume? And do retired ones dread every interview they have ending with the possible employer holding up a DVD? We may never know but we can be sure there will be always be plenty of fucking to do and plenty of people with low self esteem and empty banks accounts to get fucked.