Cloud69 Sex Blog

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is one of the most successful movies in recent history.  It has led to two very successful sequels along with a spin off porno.  The first of those simply entitled Pirates was a mile stone production in the industry.  Both have beautiful women, fight scenes, special effects, swashbucklers, sea battles and the common theme of adventure and danger on the high seas.

They both also have extremely complicated plots that can be hard to follow and occasionally have no regard for common sense. For all their similarities the two movies also have some major differences.(Also I’m going to assume people have seen the non-porn one already)

Plot:

Like I mentioned before both movies have plenty of plot twists and both focus on the blood of a slightly effeminate male character. At least in the porn version it doesn’t take the bad guys over an hour to figure out who’s blood they actually need.

Captain Stagnetti and his crew attack a ship and demand for the one they want to step forward. I’m not sure if they knew what ship to look for or if their plan was to just attack every ship they came across. Once they had their man they sailed to an island that is run completely by mercenaries, pirates, and prostitutes. Has everyone ever explained how those economies maintain themselves? There is also an Incan priest they need to find. I guess the writes weren’t aware that the Incan empire collapsed hundreds of years ago.

The good guys are unable to find the bad guys even though the island consists of one street, a bar, a brothel and a church. They are also side tracked with multiple sexual encounters such as blackmailing for sex in a burning building and kidnapping some chick for a bachelor party. I won’t spoil the ending but there is climax(one of many) when all the characters finally meet up. The biggest difference from the non-porn version is that there is a lot more sex and it’s about an hour shorter because the bad guys find the right person for their sacrifice much earlier in the porn version.

The main themes are similar but the porn version was definitely original enough to stand on its own.

Characters:

Obviously the star power and unique characters created in the original Pirates helped it immensely. The porn version didn’t have anyone too memorable but they held their own. So in no particular here is a quick comparison of the characters.

Manuel/Orlando Bloom: Manuel is the guy who’s blood the bad guys are after. After getting some action from his wife he is promptly captured and spends the majority of the movie tied up. This is one aspect where the original could have improved upon. Will Taylor was a necessary character but no one really felt bad when Elizabeth showed interest in Jack. I guess he did lead to some comic relief where as Manuel just was tied up and looked frustrated when everyone else was having sex. Also, as I stated above, both are pretty effeminate.

Jules and Isabella and Serena/Kiera Knightly: Regardless of how you feel about Elizabeth Swan it took two or three characters to replace her in the porn remake. This is due to two reasons. First off they probably couldn’t find any porn stars that could play the strong independent type who is being sought after by three men, could use a sword, and still occasionally scream at a high enough pitch to shatter a glass. Second, it means there are a lot more hot girls to get naked. Isabella is Manuel’s wife. I’m fairly certain the actress who played her can’t swim because her character gets thrown into the water and they used a dummy instead. Not even a stunt double. It was just this limp thing in a while dress splashing into the water.

Jules is the tough one and is more capable than the captain. Basically the plot doesn’t move forward without her. Serena is just the anti Jules. She is on the bad guy’s crew and exists just so there are boobs in the scenes that only feature the bad guys.  This is also a good time to mention that the evil pirates crew consists of like five people.

Marco/Johnny Depp: This was probably the most disappointing character but I suppose no one can really compare to Captain Jack Sparrow. He had so much great dialog and many of his lines, especially the ones involving rum, I try to use in my everyday life. He is by far the most popular character in the movie.

In this video:  The Fucking Man

Marco on the other hand makes his appearance by whining about how his life is over since he broke up with Jules. He had been with her for like a month. He doesn’t really have much more influence on the movie. Come to think of it, I don’t really know why he was in the movie. He doesn’t even sleep with anyone. All in all he is pretty much the exact opposite of Sparrow.

Captain Stagnetti/Captain Barbosa: If you were reading the scripts these two characters would almost be the same person. They both kidnap people to get what they want, are cruel and don’t care what happens to anyone else. One of the differences is that Stagnetti has a glass eye. There needs to be at least one person with one of those and I guess they didn’t feel like adding an extra crew member just to accommodate the ‘pirate movies must include at least one person with a glass eye’ rule. Stagnetti also doesn’t have an undead monkey. They probably didn’t have enough money to CGI one or take the time to train a live one. Geoffrey Rush did an incredible job at portraying the captain of the undead crew. It also helped that he was over 30. Stagnetti was probably like 27, wasn’t over six feet tall, had a huge fake beard, and sounded like a kid trying to impersonate an adult.

Captain Edward/ Commodore Norrington: Both of these guys were kind of tools but the Commodore was incredible more competent. The Commodore could command a ship, navigate, and use his sword in combat. Captain Edward looked like a cross between Aaron Eckhart and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character from Boogie Nights.

He also opening admits he’s never stepped foot onto a ship before, but at least he doesn’t rock a powdered wig.

There are plenty of other differences between the two films but most concern production value and special effects and dialog and other things that no one expects to be of equal value in these two movies. Here are a few other parts of the porno version I enjoyed.

Captain Edward keeps a diary and in said diary mentions how the crew is always in such good spirits and credits it to Jules’ late night Bible studies where he can hear their screams of exaltation through the walls.

The phrase ‘scurvy vagina’ was used.

One character is concerned of their actions showing up in the newspaper, which I don’t think existed in the time period.

Inside a burning building one girl refuses to untie Edward until he has sex with her. After the fact he ties her up for being batshit insane.

Half the people in the credits only have one name.