Cartoon Characters Who are Actually Nymphomaniacs
1.) PepePepé Le Pew – Looney Tunes
Sure, Paris has a reputation for nudging one’s inclinations toward romance, but this Frenchy bastard dials up the horny to a level you just can’t blame on the ambience. He’s got almost everything going for him – poise, confidence, a Batman-esque ability to always be waiting one step ahead of his prey. And ladies, don’t even act like you’re not curiously aroused by the Euro accent. His noxious fume is the only the holding him back from being an unstoppable sex juggernaut. Without it, he’d most certainly be wrecking your girlfriend and your mom at this very moment.
In Le Pew’s defense, you really only ever see him gunning for one particular female, but no one’s accusing him of being a player. Maybe he’s the product of a different time (the 1940s) when unsolicited groping was more “incorrigible rascal” than “bust out the mace,” and it wasn’t considered inappropriate for a kid’s cartoon to make two separate jokes about suicide (4:18 and 5:13). But even in an age when the men were men and the dames liked them that way, Le Pew was far and away more handsy than average. The Game is just a formality for this guy, he charges through first base and barrels headstrong into second. That poor cat can try to resist but it…it’s gonna happen. Restraining order be damned.
2.) Smurfette – The Smurfs
We maintain that for any TV series, we’re only seeing snippets of the subjects’ lives. Sure, it’s supposed to be a representative sample, but there’s plenty that goes unseen “off-camera.” Let’s look at the facts. Before Smurfette showed up, there was no evidence that sexual reproduction was even part of Smurf biology. Yeah, the Smurfs affect predominantly male physiology (beards) and mannerisms (voices), but no one ever sees or mentions any sort of Smurf matriarch or ancestor against which their male tendencies are supposed to contrast. As far as anyone can tell, new Smurfs just split off of existing ones like it was mitosis. Why do you think everyone calls the old one Papa? Secondly, Gargamel sent Smurfette to the Smurfs as a spy, but he hadn’t captured and brainwashed her – he invented her. Smurfettes apparently don’t occur in nature.
So without any apparently biological imperative to find Smurfette attractive, the male Smurfs are nonetheless drooling after her very footsteps not long she arrives. There’s got to be some incentive she’s offering, some benefit, previously unknown to them, for pining after her affections. She’s gotta be coming into their mushroom huts one by one at night to introduce them to the Touch of a Smurf. Sexuality didn’t even exist for the Smurfs but overnight they suddenly want to be alone with Smurfette?
Besides, how could anyone who wasn’t a nympho in some way or another inspire the sheer volume of Rule 34 art that Smurfette has compiled?
3.) Miss Piggy – The Muppets
Yeah, yeah, “Piggy isn’t a cartoon…she’s a Muppet!” We’re sorry to offend your discerning tastes.
Miss Piggy does two things: have vain delusions of grandeur of some vague career in showbiz, and try to get Kermit in the sack. Now, let’s look at Kermit. He’s a nice enough guy – sweet-hearted, even tempered, famous, can carry a tune. But he’s not exactly much to look at. He’s small and scrawny and just a terrible athlete. He can’t even bend his arms. If he’s blessed with a frog’s natural hops, then we never see it.
But it’s his physical nature that has Piggy so enthralled. She’s got hands all over him, stroking those unblinking, ping-pong eyeballs, crushing his tiny frame to her voluminous bosom until he makes that sickly, stricken face he makes as feels his internal organs rupture. She’s clearly a fetishist, and she’s got it bad. How else can she find poor Kermit’s frog flesh so irresistible? Maybe having his life flash before his eyes while doing the deed with Piggy every god damn night is what gives Kermit his humble, timid nature.
4.) Squirrels – Disney’s The Sword in the Stone
If you’ve never seen this movie, then you suck. As part of his liberal arts education, a young King Arthur undergoes a series of field trips into the animal kingdom, one of which involves shapeshifting into a squirrel, of all things. Personally, we would have picked a Grizzly Bear or Mecha-Godzilla, but squirrels have their advantages. For one thing, you’d think from this adventure that dude squirrels are just up to their eyeballs in more hot squirrel tail (rimshot) than they know what to do with. Right out of the gate, this red-tinted squirrel vixen wants to jump Arthur’s bone, and she’s not even gold-digging on a future king. She’s all about getting right down to making Ye Olde Bea∫t of Two Backe, and her forward flirtatiousness stirs deep, confusing feelings in the twelve-year-old boys in the audience, who wonder shamefully if it’s okay to get turned on by an anthropomorphic squirrel.
When his true nature is revealed, Arthur tries to break it easy to his would-be rapist by explaining that it’s not her, it’s that even the smallest human package would probably be deadly to any rodent. The scene ends with her so inconsolably crestfallen about what could have been that you can’t help feeling a sharp pang of sympathy for her. Women should be rewarded for horniness, not disappointed, right? Besides, you know if you were a squirrel for a day and this squirrel chick was giving you the bright eye and bushy tail, you’d totally do her. You’d want to know what it’s like. C’mon Merlin, just zap him back into a squirrel for an hour and let him learn to satisfy a woman. That’s the most important lesson of all.
5.)Pinnochio - Disney’s Pinnochio
Now, LIE TO ME, BABY! LIE TO ME!!