Sex World Records You Can’t Help Being Impressed By
1.)Biggest orgy
Our most often revisited debate around the office, aside from whether or not golf is a sport (it’s not, it’s a game, like darts or pool), is at what point does a group sex event stop using the “-some” suffix and achieve full orgy classification? Foursome? Fivesome? We’ve not yet reached a consensus.
When you get into the triple-digits, however, there’s little doubt. I guess it should come as no surprise that the world record for hugest orgy comes from the same mystical land that’s given us tentacle hentai and Takashi Miike. The word “orgy” doesn’t really do justice to this 500-person festival of boning in Japan. We need a new term for this, “Category Five Sexplosion” or something.
What we find odd about this thing is that it doesn’t appear to have been a fill-tilt, anything goes, fuckfest like you usually see in porn, it looks like it was a very well-planned and organized affair. There are 250 male-female couples, arranged in regimented rows, all performing the same position in synchronization like it’s boot camp. It must have been nice for the participants to be assured that unlike the typical orgies they were used to, there would be no danger here of being the fifth wheel who has to put his or her face in someone’s ass while they bounce. This also begs an interesting question: is it an orgy if it’s merely couples all having sex in each other’s presence? Or does “orgy” imply a more democratic process, in which partners are shared and you can sidle up behind anyone to introduce yourself to his or her genitals? For now, we’re willing to accept Japan’s title, if for no other reason than the fact that it’s available on DVD.
2.)Longest Masturbation
San Francisco’s 9th Annual Masturbate-a-thon concluded May 2nd with a repeat championship performance by world record holder Masanobu Sato, who somehow managed to give himself the ol’ low five for a truly ridiculous 9 hours 58 minutes. Jesus H. Christ. We would think it would be tough to make any repetitive motion for that long. Forget jerxing it, do you think you could just wiggle your fingers for 9 hours 58 minutes? Doubtful, my friend, without some serious training.
The rules for the contest leave the door open for a pretty broad interpretation of what constitutes marathon masturbating. Masanobu claims he only came once and powered right through it without slowing down. He broke his old record of 9 hours 33, set in 2008, and spent the last year training for another go at it. He credits much of his success to an arsenal of Tenga toys, of which he used a broad variety so that no single stimulation would grow too stale.
Seems like while we here in the States bend our time, energy, and competitive fire toward world-elite athleticism on the Olympic stage, the Japanese are racking up the titles in the other sweet sciences. C’mon, now, a Japanese guy comes into our house and shows us up? This can’t stand. We’d like to think there will soon come a day when we can salute the Stars and Stripes with the pride that it flies over the Wankingest Nation on Earth.
3.)Longest Lasting Erection
Priapism is the medical term for the condition you’re warned about on ED medication commercials. You know, the one you’re supposed to seek medical treatment for if it lasts for four hours? Priapism is known as “the absence of arousal” and can be caused by a variety of conditions from esophagus complications to certain spider bites. Seriously.
It may come as no surprise then to learn that the world’s more enduring boner wasn’t exactly intentional. Most dudes, despite assurances of sexual prowess and stamina, would admit that the “four hours” mentioned in the Cialis ads are probably two hours after concern turns to alarm at the persistence of the erection. Ladies, in case no one’s ever told you, it starts to ache after awhile, and it’s easy for guys to imagine why the refusal to stand down would constitute a genuine medical emergency.
There should be nothing but pity for this poor bastard who opted for a steel and plastic implant at age 58 in 1996. Lennon maintains the device was faulty and refused to allow his erection to subside. Fast forward ten years. He finally consents to having surgery to take the damn thing out, but they had to remove tissue as well, which is vital to achieving an erection at all. He was faced with the worst of choices, the kind they write operas about. He installed this thing so that he could have sex, but if he had the surgery to remove it, he would never be able to have sex again, not even with the Viagra that hit the market a scant two years after his implant. The decision to remove the implant would also be deciding he’d had the last roll in the hay of his life. We can understand why it took until 68 to reach that conclusion. Still, think of the sheer life span of that boner, all the things it’s seen. When it was born, “9/11” wasn’t in our national household lexicon. The Curse of the Bambino was still going strong. No one had even heard of an iPod. Legends of the Hidden Temple was the coolest god damned thing on TV!
4.)Biggest Gangbang*
What’s interesting about gangbang records is that this is a category people seem much more determined to actually try to set records in. “Houston 500” is a famous gangbang record attempt from porn’s long and colorful history, and it garnered such attention that it became a series, even earning official support from Howard Stern. Needless to say this is a record that manages to climb every year or so. *It’s also fairly unclear what’s actually being measured here. Number of partners cycled through? Total time one pornstar spends mid-coitus? Are the guys allowed to recycle back into line?
The largest official gangbang record currently stands at 919, achieved by American pornstar Lisa Sparxxx at an even in Poland in 2004. You’d have to wonder what exactly is the limiting factor here. Did her vagina just get worn the hell out after 919 dicks in it, in a way that it wasn’t worn out after a “mere” 175? Did she finally just fall asleep? Did they not have the budget to pay the event organizers for any more time? Did the dudes finally just get tired? Sparxxx should get together with Masanobu up there in some kind of supreme sexual endurance duel for the World Title.
5.)Farthest Ejaculation
And finally, we just thought we’d add one that was weak on solid evidence, but worth noting for hilarity’s sake. Sources are too vague to give any details, but we’d like to trust the internet and go with the unofficial world record distance ejaculation of 18 feet 9 inches just because of how absurdly far that is. Think about it. The supposed record holder Horst Shultz could whip it out as he’s blitzing and blind an opposing QB as he makes a 5-step drop. He could totally challenge those silly lizards that defensively squirt blood from their eyes to a duel. He could add to Lisa Sparxxx’s experience while still being the 10th guy in line. Try that one, Masanobu.