Cloud69 Sex Blog

If you’re anything the kids in Superbad you are interested in the quality of your porn. Is it too much to ask for some production value or plot development? Actually it is. Too many people have low standards for their porn so there isn’t enough demand for the entire industry to supply any additional quality. Notice I said the entire industry. There are a few brave souls with deep pockets who think its worth going the extra mile to make something above and beyond expectations. It also raises the question of how else they could be spending that money.

Flashpoint:

Budget: $220,000

What that could have bought: 473 complete sets(31 disks) of Now That’s What I Call Music

Flashpoint X took its theme from the movie Backdraft. I didn’t think the movie was ever that popular and I have no idea how someone made the connection between a fire fighter drama and a porn but it worked. It featured Jenna Jamison in her prime and a few other rising stars. Thanks to the budget it boasts some impressive pyrotechnics. I’m guessing there is a fire and scantily clad women wearing no fire proof clothing put it out then celebrate by getting down.

Manhunters:

Budget: $250,000

What that could have bought: 5,000 Great American Challenge Dildos

Manhunters follows four female bounty hunters who are out looking for bad guys. That’s about it. I’m not sure if they sleep with bad guys once they catch them or just stick to making out with random people they meet in their travels. It is considered very high quality for its genre. The production and acting were well above average. I love how having a semi decent plot puts you in the cream of the crop of pornos. It was nominated for a total of 17 AVN awards. Those are porn awards. Kind of like what Brian won in that Family Guy episode.

Fashionistas:

Budget: $500,000

What that could have bought: 6,896 Black Mink Fur Coats

The production crew went all out for this one. They didn’t skimp on anything. The filming and look of the film was on par with most Hollywood blockbusters. They also had some incredible costumes to add to the effect.  This wasn’t your average porn. I have no idea what it is about. My guess is it focuses on a group of performers like Cirque du Solei. Then, whenever they aren’t on stage they are having some high production quality sex with each other. Also the one lady reminds me of the blue singer chick from The Fifth Element.

Pirates:

Budget: $1,000,000

What it could have bought: 28 Custom Built Yankee Star Sail Boats

Pirates is one of the most talked about porns ever made. It reaped the benefits of the huge success of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It had a superstar cast and spared no expense. It isn’t just a porn, it’s a spectacle. There were more than 300 special effects that helped give it a real Michael Bay movie feel. It’s also one of the pornos to have its own original music score. Wait, what? Yes, contrary from popular, read my, belief not all the music used in any porns had been produced in the 70s. I would have loved to be in the room when they approached a composer and told them what kind of movie they were making. The whole thing was a huge hit and was well worth the money.

Uninhibited:

Budget: $1,200,000

What it could have bought: 42,328 Ultra Vibro T vibrators

A detectives partner is killed and is forced to work with, get this, Detective Jugginson to help solve the case. There are two crime families who are suspected to be involved and they need to investigate each one. While they aren’t having sex with each other they are sneaking around the families estates. Each estate seems to have quite a lot of naked women wandering about. If this had cost any less I wouldn’t be surprised if it was all the same extras at both estates. I don’t know if Detective Gunn and Jugginson ever find the murderer but they have a lot of sex in the attempt. And it’s really about the journey not the destination.

Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge:

Budget: $8,000,000

What it could have bought: 500,000 bottles of Captain Morgan rum

Anytime something like Pirates is successful there is going to be a sequel. Since Pirates was one of the best selling pornos ever produced they had some extra money to throw at the next one. It never got the same praise that the original did which is similar to the actual Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Maybe the expectations were too high, maybe they are just awaiting the third installment with some closure, or maybe they just had no idea who the fuck Stagnetti is. Quality wise though it was everything the original was just on a bigger scale. Plenty of special effects and lots of filthy pirate sex. All in all a very solid sequel.

Caligula:

Budget: $17,500,000

What it could have bought: 5,804 roundtrip plane tickets from NYC to Rome

This bad boy was over four hours long and full of debauchery. Caligula was a Roman emperor who wasn’t right in the head and basically made his palace into a brothel. He made people do whatever he wanted because that’s how shit goes when you’re the emperor of the one of the greatest civilizations the world has ever seen. It even landed an Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren, which was a pretty controversial move by her. The uncensored version was banned for a long time. After only 29 years you can now purchase the uncut version. That’s when you know you’ve made a solid flick.

Many of these are trying very hard to give the adult film industry a little more credibility. Most the time people are content with some girl getting fucked in the back of a van or a repair man coming to fix the cable. Occasionally though they want something more and the people responsible for the movies on this list are giving them that something extra as they try to narrow the gap between adult films and mainstream blockbusters.

Now everyone says size doesn’t matter. That’s true, as far as conception and having children goes but as far as pleasure it’s a pretty major factor. So obviously everyone wants to be like, to a point, that happy guy on tv who apparently gives his wife in the vicinity of 15 orgasms a day. They make it seem so simple. Just take this pill and she will love you. I see the next step being a pill for her that does the same thing and takes the guy out of the equation. Most of these pills have no FDA testing and there is no empirical evidence about what they actually do. Unfortunately there may be some side effects when you attempt to alter what genetics gave you at birth.

Oily skin and Blemishes:

So you’re worried about pleasuring the ladies but once you start taking the pill you look like you’re in 7^th grade again. That’s a word of warning to 7^th graders who just want to see what will happen. You kind of break even if you gain confidence in bed but lose confidence in day light. The oily skin is very attractive as well. Who doesn’t want their skin to have the same texture as a fish?

Priaprism:

This is the one you always hear on the commercials; if you have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours see a doctor immediately. Basically you have a permanent boner. Some might find that appealing but keep in mind it’s also extremely painful due to the pressure built up. There is only one way to fix it and it’s not pleasant. It involves a big long needle which is jammed into to your dick to remove all the blood that got stuck there. Late night trips to ER are huge mood killers. - Source

Kidney Failure:

Or to use the less pleasant term renal failure. Your kidneys filter all the bad chemicals out of your blood. Recently they have probably been working pretty hard with the crap people put into their bodies. Some male enhancement drugs contain things that can’t easily be broken down by the kidneys and can possibly cause damage to them. Luckily you have two but if both fail you better be right with God or be rich enough to harvest organs from homeless people. - Source

Viagra:

Probably the most famous drug of the bunch. The commercials feature a guy and his wife and lots of subtle hints that whenever he’s not playing golf and she’s not cooking they are banging non-stop. This new drug has clearly saved their marriage

The guy stares at the camera with that shit eating grin that is meant to distract you from hearing all the possible side effects. Some have reported change in vision. It wasn’t very specific so I suppose it could be positive changes. If that was the case I think they would be boasting vision correction in all of their commercials. Other vague reports have said effects can range from headaches all the way to seizures. That’s like if Tylenol PM effect’s ranged from drowsiness to putting you in a coma.

Lastly some people claimed to have become dependent on the drug to get aroused even if they could get it up before they started taking it. That is one that Viagra probably isn’t too upset about. It is probably step one in their plan for world dominance. If they can make human reproduction dependent on their drug then we’re screwed. - Source

Cialis:

Cialis is the other popular brand that is always advertised. Its big claim is you just need to take it within a day or so of when you think you might get some. I guess for those middle aged men who never know when they might take a long lunch and find a hooker.

Some of its reported side effects include vision or hearing loss. It’s a good thing this doesn’t already happen to people as they grow older. Maybe they assume it’s going to happen anyway and may as well get some pussy out of it. Other effects reported were shortness of breath or an irregular heartbeat. On the positive side that may just refer to how people feel just after sex if they haven’t been having much of it lately. - Source

Impotency:

Wait, one of the major reasons that people take male enhancement drugs is, in some cases, a side effect of said drugs. How did they pull that off? What if baldness was a side effect of Rogaine? What if a runny nose was a side effect of Sudafed? Is this what happened in Children of Men where no one could conceive?

Or is it another plan for world dominance? I’m a little worried at how easy it was to connect end of the world scenarios with side effects of drugs meant to make your dick work. None of this will matter though once machines enslave humanity. Then it will be their problem. - Source

Now to be fair many of these side effects are not common occurrences. Whenever a drug is sold they are legally obligated to disclose any and all results of the testing that was done. Some dude may have already been impotent and didn’t know it. Another might have been due for a seizure regardless of if he was involved in the testing. Even if one guy tried the drug, got a little disoriented and walked into traffic they would need to say ‘taking this drug may cause you to act like you’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Please consult your doctor.’

These are all still very experimental drugs. Some of them do work but the side effects can vary greatly. If you are so inclined make sure to do your research and talk to a doctor. Trust me whenever they come up with someone that doesn’t have any side effects you’ll hear about it. Even if the long term effect is turning you into one of those things from I Am Legend, it will be a good time until then.

So depending on what you include there have been about 800,000 movies ever produced. That means there have been easily over a million porn flicks made based on those movies. Some attempt to follow the plot of the original film while others may just have a familiar character or scene. And, in an improvement over the original, by the end of all of them everyone is naked. Most of them try to make some sort of pun off the original title hoping to boost sales with name recognition. These are some of my favorite titles that I’ve selecting using a very elaborate rating system that I can’t even begin to explain in less than 4,000 words. Enjoy.

Romancing the Bone:

This one doesn’t have any secrets about what’s going on. For the majority of the 76 minute length of this movie there will be a chick wining and dining some guy’s dong. In the original a girl from the big city meets up with a soldier of fortune while searching for treasure in Colombia. In the porn I assume that the big city girl romances her partner’s boner while getting involved in all sorts of shenanigans… and gang bangs.

After doing such a good job throughout the movie I’m sure the girl finds the bone of all bones to romance in her loft apartment back in the city. That’s assuming there even is an ending. They probably decide to just continue the no pants dance and forget about why they were in Colombia to begin with.

Clear and Pleasant Stranger:

I love this one because there is no possible way it’s going to remotely resemble the original Harrison Ford flick. Maybe Jack ‘The Mack’ Ryan saves a member of the royal family in England and as a reward gets to bang anyone in the royal court he wants. But then he bangs an ex girlfriend of some NRA radical so they have to compete and see who can make the girl orgasm the most in one night. I would also love a judge cameo James Earl Jones.

Fun fact; this movie is also known as Patriot X. That means they wasted two blockbusters in one movie. Unless they were hoping some dumb ass would buy the same movie twice.

Tale of Two Titties:

I can only imagine how badly they twisted this plot from the original classic tale. Maybe it was unavoidable when the author has the word dick in his last name. The original story takes place during the bloody French Revolution where everyone wants to avoid the guillotine and live happily ever after. Late 18^th century Paris is not a common setting for any of the porn I’ve seen. I guess it could be an excuse to dress up in ridiculous clothes and wigs but then again it would take a while to get out of all those clothes. I think a hilarious scene would be an affair getting broken up as the man takes 35 minutes to put his clothes back on before an enraged husband tries to break in with his pitch fork.

My guess is they throw in some familiar images in the same manner the recent spoof movies do; don’t interact with it or make a joke about it. Just have it there so people acknowledge it and help justify the name of your movie.

Everybody Does Raymond:

A key factor in making a good pun for a porno flick is how easily it rolls off the tongue and sounds like the original. I was never a fan of the less subtle approach such as Being John Malkovich While Fucking Hot Young Co-eds 5! It’s good if you can say the real title without people realizing what you just said. Then you can trick girlfriends into watching porn and argue that they totally agreed to it when you asked them earlier. I also like this one because in his show Raymond’s life gets metaphorically fucked by his crazy family at every turn. He deserves to get a little something for his trouble. With that said, Ray Ramano should in no way be involved with the film.

Star Whores:

I had to include this since I’m a bit of a Star Wars nerd myself. There are just so many possibilities. You have six movies and an entire universe of characters and ridiculous aliens to use. Princess Leia would obviously be getting drilled left and right. You could combine the lucrative demographic of star wars nerds and midget porn with Yoda, Ewoks and Jawas. Try previously impossible sexual positions with Jedis using the force. Have Lando turn Cloud City into the most exclusive brothel in the universe. You can have bounty hunters that don’t kill people but try to make sex tapes with famous, important people. And for those who can look past the incest, Leia can go back in time and make one of the hottest lesbian scenes in the galaxy with Padme.

Spermbusters:

Basically just picture the end of the first movie when they are all covered in the remains of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and add in a few more hookers off the streets of New York and that’s probably where Spermbusters begins.

XXX Files:

If the producers can find someone who looks enough like Gillian Anderson I’m all about this one. Any X Files fan always wanted to see her take off her lab coat or damn pants suit.

The title is subtle and straight forward. It’s almost as if they had the release of the porno in mind when they first created the show. I picture Mulder with a Playboy spread on his wall with the caption ‘I want to fuck’. Then he will go sleep with however many people it takes to solve the case and Scully will help rig any ensuing paternity tests. How can that miss?

Robocock:

This may not even be a movie. It could be an infomercial for a movie themed sex machine. There is no amount of money I wouldn’t give to see Billy Mays back in action promoting this bad boy. For just three easy payments!

I could go on and on with these but all good things must come to an end. As long as Hollywood keeps making movies some guy in his basement will continue to make them into pornos. Here are a few more for the road.

Snatch Adams: Everyone’s dream is to help sick children in lonely hospitals. Then sleep with every young hot nurse who is just looking to marry a doctor.

There will be Cum: More than you can imagine!

Armagetiton: Sex on an asteroid with a Liv Tyler look-alike. I’m in.

Inspect her gadget: And we’re not talking about that crazy laptop book she had.

Men in Black Who Like to Have Sex With Each Other: Hey look, an alien… Yea, we should probably have sex with it.

And Many More…

Aside from cosmic omnipotence, the gods aren’t so different from us, right? We’ve all awoken on unfamiliar living room floor with no pants, and a pounding headache that only reminds us how much we regret the previous night.

Here are some sexual misadventures for which the deities would probably want a do-over.

Freya shags dwarves for bling, dooming humankind to war

If Greek love goddess Aphrodite was the ever-unattainable mega-babe whose mere presence and poise entrances the entire club, Freya is the equally hot but obnoxiously drunk chick shouting “WOOOO!!” and grinding against whichever dude just paid for her last drink. No one’s sure if any dude has actually managed to make it with the Aphrodite chick, she seems out of everyone’s league…everyone’s seen Freya vacuum the saliva off the tongue of the most dudes and at least a few chicks every Friday night. Hell, that’s why Friday’s named after her.

Freya didn’t have much for standards. In one of her more infamous stories, she travels to the land of the dwarves, and comes to a mountainous hoard of their crafted treasures. She becomes entranced by the sheer weight and beauty of the Necklace of Brisingamen, although to be honest, the damn thing was only +10 Intellect, +15 Stamina.

She offers the four dwarves in charge of the hoard gold and silver for the necklace, which would be like trying to buy Disney World by offering to trade them a box of Mickey Mouse caps. Their counteroffer shocks her at first (since most mythical dwarves weren’t exactly renowned for their studliness), but then she figues what the hell? It’s only four nights, and damn that necklace is sweet!

She proceeds to permit the dwarves the very zenith of their dwarfy lives, one by one, for four straight nights. Of course, this coup didn’t go unnoticed by trickster god Loki who, disguised as a flea, was furiously jerking off in the corner before he had the great idea to steal the necklace right off her while she was still in a dwarf-induced sex coma. Loki presented the necklace and the story to all-powerful Viking sky-father and Freya’s main dude Odin, who was so pissed that he demanded especially bloody war and strife between human kingdoms in return for the necklace. Freya, whose job it was to ensure the wars were merely headbangingly metal rather than apocalyptic, quickly agreed. For some fucking neck bling.

Dropped the ball on that one, lady.

Zeus: the original furry

If Greek mythology is to believed, then most of the world’s problems are the direct result of the gods’ inability to keep their magnificent genitals in their togas. Zeus was the worst (best?) one of all for sexual depravity. His sexual resume left in the wake scads of bastard kids who would grow up to be most of Greece’s mythological heroes. However, the impressiveness of the sheer quantity of illegitimate children was matched by the weirdness of how he’d go about it.

Leda was the queen of Sparta, and Zeus had been crushing on her for awhile. Finally, he decides he’s had enough stalking her, he was a damn god, right? He was just going to swoop in with all his glory and have his way with her. Except he didn’t want Hera to find out, so he played it smooth. He pretended to be a swan getting chased by an eagle and whoops, he fell over right into her lap. Normally, this would be the part where she would pick up the poor swan, kiss it, and it would turn into the God of Doin’ You All Night. No, Zeus stayed in swan-form and rocked her world anyway. Because why the fuck not, that’ s why.

Leda would end up giving birth (or laying eggs, depending on the story) to more mythological heroes, including eternally forbidden booty-call, Helen of Troy. She’s probably most famous for being depicted in the middle of toe-curling orgasm…while mounted by large waterfowl. In fact, that’s one of the more famous mythological scenes to be depicted in art, including one by Michelangelo.

Seriously, go google “Leda and the Swan” and get ready for the most swan-on-chick action outside of furry web portals.

Incidentally, this wasn’t the only time Zeus took the shape of an animal for a booty call. He also famously showed up as a bull before princess Europa, namesake of one of those places overseas that are filled with foreigners. She somehow thought that was the dead sexiest thing she’d ever seen, and was spirited away to mother some more heroes.

Two Ojibwe girls sex their way to the heavens, have to sex their way back down

The Ojibwe are broad group of Native Americans who settled in the U.S. upper Midwest and Canada. Their religious and mythological tradition involves a lot of spirit creatures, and you can probably see where this is going. Yep, this one has all the best parts from the two above – bestiality, and trading sex for personal gain.

The story goes that two Ojibwe girls were at the mall or the hair salon or wherever the hell it is that girls are when they’re bitching to each other about men. The mere human guys available to them were apparently unsatisfactory in the sack, and clearly they hadn’t met any internet comedy writers yet. They needed more passion, more fire than their current boyfriends could offer. So what are the most burnin’ hot things in the entire cosmos?

These self-important brats were convinced only the stars themselves could satisfy them. So they dreamed about it so hard, they found themselves in the world of stars, where they proceeded to get busy, giving a new meaning to that Nine Inch Nails song.

Well, they must have tired of having their vaginas singed by surface temperatures of 9,800 ° F, because they decided that home wasn’t so bad after all and plotted to escape. Forethought was their strong suit, however, and the rope they made to climb down from the heavens only got them so far as the Eagle’s nest. From there, they were rescued by Wolverine

…who subjected them nightly to a fur and claw storm of a threesome. Eventually, the girls were able to convince Wolverine Woman to take their place one night while they snuck away, and Wolverine didn’t notice the switcheroo until the next morning. Apparently Wolverine Woman was just as good in bed as two human girls, and so Wolverine decides that makes up for how god-awful ugly she is.

The moral of the story? Ladies: don’t be so quick to dismiss the neighborhood guys. Guys: they’re all pretty much the same when the lights are off.

Yahweh smites a guy for pulling out

You thought Christianity would miss this party? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Before God became a single parent and decided He had to mellow out a bit and get His act together, He was a brilliant yet temperamental eccentric who did things like flood the planet, set Himself on fire, and prohibit shellfish. In many ways, He was a more interesting flawed character, at least until Jesus stole the limelight with all his hippy peace and love crap.

One of Yahweh’s favorite Old Testament things to do was to play around with people’s sex lives, and instruct one character to go breed with another character like it was all a geneological soap opera for Him. Either that, or He was somewhat of a voyeur. We’re learning toward that explanation, because when He gave you instructions about who and how to fuck, He stuck around to make you sure did it, damnit.

In Genesis, one of the main characters was Judah, a pretty important dude who would go onto be the namesake of the Tribe of Judah and Judaism in general, as well as an ancestor to Jesus’s human stepdad. Judah’s first son Er was killed off by Yahweh for being wicked, and his second son was named Onan. Judah was presumably doing the Lord’s Work when he instructed Onan

“Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to they brother.” (Genesis 38: 8).

Now, it’s not out of the question for a reasonable man to have misgivings about impregnating his newly widowed sister-in-law. Onan dutifully “goes into” Tamar, but has last-minute second thoughts

” And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.” (Genesis 38: 9).

This is where Yahweh reveals that He’d been watching all along, stroking His divine schlong while a choir of angels awkwardly hummed smooth, funky jazz. He does not approve of this sissy “pulling out” crap. Not even for a facial.

” And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.” (Genesis 38: 10).

Boom. Dead. We’re dying to know what for God’s wrath took for this murder, all the detail we get is “slew.”

Also, by now, Tamar’s had two husbands just keel over, one immediately post-orgasm. Poor girl probably thinks she has a possessed vagina.

So as you may or may not know there are quite a number of fetishes that people indulge in. Many are recognized or semi-accepted and you can find porn of it online without giving your credit card information. The next level are ones that probably require some sort of paid membership to a site, forum , or from back in the day, a newsletter. After that you find that even in the anonymity of cyberspace people don’t want to admit or be associated with certain activities. These are the types of interests that can earn someone a call from the authorities or end a relationship after an attempt at honesty. These types of fetishes may be extremely rare but due to the large number of them it’s probably safe to assume the guy you sit next to a work is interested in at least one of them.

Agalmatophilia:

This is the sexual attraction to a statue, doll or mannequin. I would guess that most cases of this stemmed from two things. First off if you grew up in the 80s there was a kids show about a mannequin that came to life every night. It also involved some Muppets, little kids, and a chick that was probably the basis for Beyonce’s character in Goldmember. Everyone knows what I’m talking about and for everyone who can’t remember what it was called, it was Today’s Special.

The other was a classicly bad 80s movie named Mannequin, which boasts winning an Oscar. Too bad the Oscar was for best original song which is like the physical trainer for the Steelers bragging about his super bowl rings. This condition was first clinically studied in 1877 when a gardener was caught trying to have sex with the statue of Venus de Milo.

Other cases have shown people who are attracted to the immobility of statues and trying to put themselves into that state. So next time you see some homeless guy molesting a statue don’t just assume he’s insane. He may have Agalmatophilia. -Source

Robot fetishism (aka ASFR or technosexuality):

This is described as an “attraction to humanoid or non-humanoid robots.”, which is just a redundant way of saying robots. It also applies to people acting or dressed up as robots. Not surprisingly you can relate this back to tv from the 70s and 80s. Lee Majors, which is one of the manliest names I’ve ever heard, was the Six Million Dollar Man in the 70s and women loved him.

I’m sure at least one lonely lady taped his picture on some home appliance and tried to have sex with it. This idea was perpetuated with the Fembots in Austin Powers. Luckily Austin used his mojo to out-sex the robots.

Maybe they should have used him to help fight the Terminators. (Editor’s note: Please delete this. If Mike Meyers reads this he might try to make that movie and if he does, God help us.) People into this are split into two camps(although they are all science fiction nerds). One prefers to interact with robots and the others prefer to fantasize about becoming the robot. I always try to be fair and make sure to ridicule them both equally. - Source

Spectrophilia:

This is not, as I wrongly assumed, a sexual attraction the Specter character from the Twisted Metal video game.

It is actually the attraction to or desire to have sex with ghosts, apparitions, or reflections. Reflections? Does this include any type of sex done within view of a mirror? Once again this condition has appeared in pop culture in the movie Ghost. Apparently Demi Moore will sleep with anyone, from a dead guy, to a creepy politician in Striptease, and finally to Ashton Kutcher. It’s one thing to fantasize about this through imagination, drawings, and stories but there are some people who get off by literally have sex with ghosts. Either these people are disillusioned, have fantastic imaginations, or remain frustrated their entire life. It’s like someone who can only get off by having sex with Bigfoot.

Best of luck with that. - Source

Formicophilia:

People who have this derive sexual pleasure from insects crawling on someone’s body and obviously focusing on their genitals. This sounds like an X-rated version of Fear Factor. I would love to see someone with this condition go against the crack addict from Chapelle’s Show on that show.

As far as movies in the 80s I can safely say the chick from The Temple of Doom did not have this condition but I wouldn’t be surprised if that actress did. This has been found to be more common in developing countries where people sleep on the ground or outside. As if anything good comes from sleeping on the ground.

If someone regularly has bugs on or around them when they are going through puberty they can start getting pleasure from it. So if your in high school keep this in mind next time you get drunk and pass out in your friends yard. - Source

Hybristophilia:

This is like how girls always want the bad ass guy who drives fast cars, smokes, and doesn’t respect authority except on steroids. This is an attraction to someone who has committed a gruesome crime. It’s sometimes known as the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome even though I don’t consider robbing banks very gruesome. The person who coined that term probably worked for the FDIC.

People who have committed terrible crimes actually receive fan mail from woman who are presumably asking about the inmates conjugal visit schedule. One chick actually married a guy who murdered 13 people while he was still incarcerated. When I first read about this one the first thing that came to mind was Wiegel from Reno 911! and her boyfriend who had severed limbs in jars sitting around his apartment.  Of all the things on the list this is probably one of the most dangerous fetishes to partake in. - Source

Now I suppose most of these, besides the ‘I like to sleep with mass murderers’ one, are fairly harmless. That is, as long as you’re not worried about harming your reputation or relationships. None of these are exactly socially acceptable and can cause a lot of disturbed looks if you try to act on any of them in public. Worst case you’ll be having a real rough time once everyone in your jail cell finds out why you got locked up.

A celebrity sex tape used to be a pretty big deal. It was a novel idea and you needed to be pretty bold to pull it off. Also you needed like two grand worth of camera equipment and some expertise at using one. Now I’m pretty sure you could make one withyour blue tooth ear piece. Recently it seems to be primarily a PR move by people who’s only talent is looking good naked but refuse to do porn. Sometimes it works out and the ones involved become internet celebrities over night. Other times the videos aren’t received so well and the only people who look for them are drunk college kids at 4am. Here are of the most well known sex tapes and their varying levels of success.

Pamela Anderson:

We may as well start at the top and work our way down. The sex tape entitled Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore & Uncensored was the first of its kind. It was the fucking Lewis and Clark of celebrity sex tapes.

It follows the newlyweds through parts of their wedding and their honeymoon while Pam lounges around looking incredibly hot and Tommy struts around and shows everyone that one of his grandparents may have been a horse. The movie also includes them doing things that aren’t having sex which some feel makes it a little more genuine. Others balk at that and get upset when people aren’t always having sex for them to masturbate to. Both of them continued to be successful and make money. Probably due to both of them actually having some actual talent, which is something people could learn from. - Source

Dustin Diamond:

Most well known as the lovably nerd Screech who was infatuated with Lisa Turtle from the classic Saved By The Bell, Dustin Diamond kinda fell off the face of the earth after the show ended. The main point to take away here is that everyone was pretty ok with not knowing his whereabouts. Then he suddenly showed up 150 lbs heavier on Celebrity Fit Club threatening to fight a drill sergeant and coming out with a sex tape entitled ‘Screeched’.

The whole thing turned out to be a publicity stunt and Diamond was just trying to make a quick buck. He clearly needed it because he didn’t have many bucks to begin with and it showed in the quality of his video. Diamond seemed misguided in his opinion of what people wanted when you hear reviews like “Screeched features too many shots of Dustin Diamond’s face.”

His DVD also includes ‘bonus’ scenes of actual professional porn because apparently he knew no one would pay money just to see his hairy ass. It also doesn’t give much credibility to his claim that the video got “leaked.” I guess it worked in the short term because people on tmz.com with nothing better to do talked about him for a while but he is once again irrelevant and once again everyone is fine with that. - Source

Paris Hilton:

Paris reminds me a little bit of Jessica Simpson in that both have made way too much money by being stupid than someone as stupid as they are perceived to be. Did ya follow that? I’m pretty sure this tape was legitimately leaked without her knowledge and she was upset to begin with. But then she played it perfectly and became more famous (or infamous) than she already was, all the while maintaining her clueless ditzy persona. Now she’s had multiple tv shows, the latest involving people competing to be her new best friend forever. Am I the only one who’s heads tries to explode every time I read that sentence.

It bothers me Paris’ career has completely blown up since her sex tape but like I said she’s way too successful to be as stupid as everyone thinks. - Source

Kim Kardashian:

This chick basically sat down with her high school guidance counselor and told her she wanted to do the Paris Hilton sex tape path to success. Once again she was only remotely famous and her only talent was being hot.

She acted upset at first but the fact that she became much more well known after it and that she couldn’t act made that short lived and a little insincere. She eventually won a nice sum of money in an out of court settlement with the company that claimed ownership of the sex tape. Within a year she had her own reality show called Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which is just as bad as it sounds. I’ve never actually seen it but I think it’s fair to say it’s a bunch of spoiled people complaining about a lifestyle most people will never be able to afford.- Source

Joanie Laurer:

Many of you probably don’t recognize that name and rightfully so. She is much better known by the name Chyna when she was a WWF diva. This was before the WWF decided the divas should just stick to being hot instead of actually bigger and stronger than half the male wrestlers.

Three years after she left the WWF and after a few stints on The Surreal Life she decided to make a sex tape. It was called 1 Night in China and was with Sean Waltman, aka X-Pac, who I’m a little ashamed to say was a personal favorite of mine back in the day. I mean back in the day when WWF was popular along with Chyna and X-Pac. Time and time again the revitalize your career with a sex tape does not seem to pan out. Especially if your career is already at the VH1 Surreal Life stage. Speaking of Surreal Life cast members… - Source

Verne Troyer:

Everyone loved this guy in the Austin Powers series. No matter how repetitious the movies became people always enjoyed the little guy getting smashed into every piece of furniture in a room while stuck inside a duffel bag.

Once Michael Meyers stopped making movies Verne was out of luck and decided the next logical step was an appearance on The Surreal Life. He got right to work at building his image when on the first night he got drunk, puttered around on his motorized scooter naked and pissed in the hallway. You might assume that was the most embarrassing thing millions of people would watch him do but you would be wrong.

In 2008 a sex tape between him and his girlfriend was leaked by TMZ and sold to the public. Troyer is currently in court after he sued TMZ and an online rental company for invasion of privacy.

As you can see it’s all about timing. If no one knows who you are, making a hot sex tape is a good way to get noticed. People don’t have an opinion of the person and base their decision to watch on the fact that someone is naked. If people already know who you are and don’t seem that interested in you anymore it’s probably not the best career move. At that point no one cares and you’re just working your way towards a VH1 Where Are They Now? special. So for those aspiring young hot actresses this might work out for you. If you were popular five years ago you should probably refrain and just admit that you’ve had your 15 minutes of fame.

Are you aware of the number and assortment of sex toys that are available to consumers today? Just look at the site hosting this blog. An entire website dedicated to the sale of sex toys. Complete with menus, categories, and sub-categories that make products just a click away. Anytime you have that many options people will start to get creative and use them in ways they were never intended to be used. Most likely violently. We obviously don’t condone violence but just in case it piques people’s interest here are 6 ways that sex toys can double as weapons and send some serious mixed signals.

Electric Vibrator in Water:

Now it’s no mystery what your friend who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 5 years is doing when he takes his daily 20 minute shower. Women will have you believe they would never do something like that anywhere. That’s partially true cause they handle way too many other things in the shower already. But they definitely do pleasure themselves. Maybe not 5 times a day like my buddy from college but it happens. They also have those handy vibrators so they can’t count the act as their afternoon workout like some guys do. Those things either have batteries or plug into an outlet. Both of which create electric currents through the device. Is it really that farfetched that someone could get drunk and take one of those into the bathtub or shower? Or attempt a misguided prank? It may not have the same effect as a toaster in an Uncle Fenster-esque murder attempt but it sure as hell won’t feel good.

So a PSA to anyone with disgruntled or immature roommates who own a vibrator, make sure to lock up the vibrator or the bathroom door. Of course you can always get a water proof one here.

Anal Beads Ball and Chain:

I never saw the attraction to anal beads. Maybe it’s more of a San Francisco or I’m friends with Harvey Milk type thing. I admit, this one might be a bit of a stretch, and I’m not talking about your asshole.

It all depends on the size, length, and maybe how good you can tie a knot. It wouldn’t take that much ingenuity to attach a few of them together and put something heavy on one end.

Imagine using it like a nun chuck. They could make an entire ninja turtles spin off. Michaelangelo with the anal bead nun chucks, Donatello makes (fucking) machines, Leonardo has a dildo on a pole, and Raphael has the shocker. I don’t even want to think about what Shredder would have. Needless to say I think it’s definitely worth getting your hands on a few sets of them and using your imagination along with some glue or reliable knots.

Fucking Machines:

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of a fucking machine as a weapon is a crazy looking guy chasing people around with some sort of portable device that takes two hands to hold.

The main thing to consider with this is that these things are made to run on its own for a long period of time. You can attach whatever you want on the end that usually has the dildo. So picture whatever you fear the most lunging at you at a steady pace until the batteries run out. The worst case scenario is one of these machines becoming sentient. You know the first things it’s going to do is start building a fucking machine army to enslave humanity. I can’t think of many things that are scarier than a fucking machine that looks like Arnold Swartzenegger. So please, whatever you do, don’t buy your fucking machine from Skynet.

Bondage/Kidnapping Items:

Now most bondage items were left off this list due to the fact that they are basically weapons already. They can be on a sister list of weapons that can be used as sex toys. I’m talking about bondage equipment like handcuffs, restraints, and body bags that could also be useful in kidnapping people. Anytime someone who does have a bondage fetish gets their bags checked at an airport they have the dilemma of being embarrassing or suspected of being terrorists. They need to go through an uncomfortable explanation of what the items are used for. What if there are criminals who use that awkward conversation as their cover? ‘Yes officer, we do partake in that. That’s my girlfriend in the trunk. She is really kinky. Alright thanks, you have a good day as well’

Next thing you know some girl is missing from town and two dip shit police officers are getting fired. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but stupid people rarely surprise me these days.

A Belt (auto erotic asphyxiation):

This one may not technically be a weapon since this act is usually done to one’s self, hence the auto part in the name. But it can be done with a partner and regardless of how it’s done it is probably the most likely way to die on this list. It’s estimated that there are between 250 and 1000 deaths from auto erotic asphyxiation in the United States every year. Most recently and notably David Carradine is suspected by police to have died from it. I still put my money on a sloppy  attempt at the Five Fingers Exploding heart move. Experts say that it is safer to try with a partner because doing it alone makes it “potentially more difficult to get out of dangerous situations”. Potentially? Thanks doc. I’m glad you’re here to tell us these things.

The Great American Challenge:

For those that don’t know, The Great American Challenge is the largest legal dildo on the market today. From base to tip it towers above a 2 liter bottle of soda. Even sites that sell it claim it’s more of a novelty than a usable dildo. I think you know how you can use this as a weapon, and that’s simply as a blunt object. The thing is 10.5 inches long and three inches wide. I’m not sure if you would cause more damage using this as a dildo or teeing up someone’s head with it. The thing weights 4.75 lbs. Those 5 lb weights at the gym are pretty pathetic as far as lifting goes but imagine getting rocked in the face with one. Make sure you don’t get it wet before you try to swing it at someone because it gets incredibly slippery and when it leaves your hand it will become a flying dick of death destroying anything in its way.

As you can see, if used incorrectly, many of these toys can be dangerous. It’s probably best to use them strictly for sex and leave the violence to real weapons. Also doing half the things mentioned above can probably land you in a jail cell. So definitely buy the toys but be careful not to commit assault and battery with them. Or do. It’ll be something else to write about.

It’s no secret that money and sex often go hand and hand. Women are looking for the diamonds and a life of luxury and rich men are competing with each other to see who can land the hottest one night stand. Most athletes who make it to the professional ranks have already had their fair share of experience with being popular and desired by women. But even they have trouble adjusting to million dollar salaries and a mindset that they can do whatever they want. Until of course they get hit by that paternity suit. The following are some popular athletes who have had some extra marital troubles and may or may not have felt like paying that annoying little thing called child support.

Dirk Nowitzki:

This case is a little backwards from the others mentioned here. Which shouldn’t surprise you since there is a 7 ft German dude involved. Dirk is seeking a paternity test from his pregnant ex-girlfriend Christal Taylor who is a little indisposed at the moment. By that I mean she’s in jail. For failing to pay a fucking $11,000 dental bill.

She has had three other children by three other men and all of them have been raised by her family. She said never told Dirk any of this. They probably met when Dirk was getting drunk all over Europe with Steve Nash so it probably didn’t come up.

Dirk is filing the suit in hopes of taking custody of the unborn child if he turns out to be the father. No word yet on how having a child will affect Dirk and the Mavericks chances of an NBA championship this upcoming year. - Source

Chipper Jones:

Chipper Jones is considered one of the most upstanding guys in major league baseball and the face of the Atlanta Braves since he started playing. That’s why it was such a shock when he announced that he had fathered a child with an alleged Atlanta area Hooters waitress. He said he needed to be honest with his wife of six years and claimed he was going through a very rebellious period and was very self absorbed. Basically he was acting like an angsty spoiled teenage girl. Regardless, he said all the right things, made no attempts to avoid paying child support and probably dropped six figures on gifts for his wife. The whole thing blew over and he went on to lead the Braves to like 11 straight division titles. - Source

You decide.

Bjorn Borg:

Bjorn was the first sex symbol of the tennis world and also the first who’s name started with the letters B-J. He claims to have abstained from sleeping with anyone while he was winning five Wimbledon titles. That probably isn’t true but once he retired he made up for all the women he couldn’t sleep with between matches. He was married for a brief period but that fell apart when he noticed a hot young 17 year old at a wet t-shirt contest and made the responsible decision to sleep with her and get her pregnant.

Later on, in 2001, he felt that people weren’t trying to fuck as much as he was so he started his own underwear company and took out an ad in Swedish newspaper imploring young people with the slogan “Fuck for the future” and “Get to it!” I imagine that part was for the slower kids who had actual read the whole ad before having sex with the nearest person. - Source

Karl Malone:

Karl Malone is another athlete who the casual fan assumes is a good guy due to him making lots of white friends in Utah which is one of the most conservative NBA cities. He was also associated with John Stockton who was the role model of every skinny short white kid who dreamed of playing in the NBA. Shortly after he entered the league he married a former super model Kay Kinsey and had four children with her. Unfortunately about the same time he was trying to privately settle some paternity suits from some chicks he messed around with in college. At 17 he had fathered twins with Bonita Ford who was about the same age. The judge ruled him be the father when he ignored his court summons and refused to disclose his assets or show up for the DNA test. Both of the twins have gone on to play basketball at Malone’s alma mater and he and his wife have acknowledged then as members of the family. Around the same time he had also slept with 13 year old(7^th fucking grader) Gloria Bell who gave birth to Demetrius and who didn’t get much attention from his father. Malone was asked to pay $125 a week for support plus past medical bills but he claimed that was excessive and didn’t allow him to spend massive amounts of his paychecks on George W. Bush bumper stickers.

Ironically he is also a big fan of clearing brush. Malone has made no public comment about Demetrius and met him only once after his high school graduation to tell him it was too late to have a father son relationship. Except of course for the monetary relationship they have via the out of court settlement with Gloria Bell. So in summary Malone is kind of a dick. -Source

Also he did this.

Larry Bird:

Now I’m sure no one expected to see Larry Bird’s name on this list. Throughout his career he rarely showed interest in talking about anything other than basketball. Even after he socked a heckling fan in the face with his duffle bag after a game. Before he got to Indiana State he married his high school sweetheart Janet Condra but the marriage only lasted 11 months. Condra gave birth to a girl named Corrie in 1977. This was almost two years after breaking up with Larry. Clearly he was too busy playing basketball to prospect for new women so Janet must have been his booty call. Larry went on to win a bunch of titles and awards for the Celtics and basically became one of the best basketball players of all time.

It makes sense now that he worked so hard at basketball. He was clearly trying to distract the attention away from his daughter of whom he had denied paternity for her entire life. Corrie decided to go to the most powerful person in the world to share her story. She appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about her desire to have a relationship with her father and the press that followed didn’t put Larry or his current wife in very good light. As if there is a light side to basically ignoring a daughter and just sending a check instead.

Larry has admitted Corrie is his daughter but hasn’t made any attempt at making her part of the family or starting a relationship with her. - Source

Also I read that Dwight Howard knocked up one of the Orlando Magic dance team members.

To these guys it seems like it’s all about their ego. They feel they are superstars and can do whatever they want and if it ever comes back to bite them they just deal with it using their checkbook. I don’t see why they can’t treat their extra marital children like cousins they see a few times a year. Instead they just pretend it didn’t happen. Which I’m sure has fantastic effects on the child’s self esteem.

Now I’m not one who makes a habit out of complaining about people getting naked and drilling each other in movies, but occasionally it’s painfully obvious that the director is going for something artistic(lazy/unnecessary) or possibly has never had sex. There are plenty of sex scenes in movies today and some are gratuitous and others are funny and a few are epic. This list covers scenes that may overlap into the previously mentioned categories but the entire time lend to a sense of confusion and afterwards people asking themselves “what the fuck just happened?”

Munich:

The last scene in the film overlaps Eric Bana having sex with his wife while having flashbacks to his actions with Black September. Black September was a Palestinian militant group that was involved in the kidnap and murder of 11 Israeli Olympic athletes in Germany in 1972. Just these two events spliced together is enough to make one uncomfortable. Film students like to mix sex and violence to shock the viewer and possibly to get their indie film noticed by Michael Bay. Luckily it’s not a very long scene. The sex part is pretty standard and the flash back just shows Bana having a moment of hesitation before killing the Israeli hostages with a machine in just a few seconds. The scene climaxes with Bana climaxing. See what I did there? I’m assuming it’s supposed to represent that sex with most men is similar to a machine gun going off for a minute or two. - Source

Revolutionary Road:

This next entry isn’t so awkward for the viewer as it is for those involved in the filming and production of the scene. Those I’m speaking of are Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Sam Mendes. Kate and Leo being the ones doing the deed while Sam was directing them on how to make it look better. This seems like a good a time as any to tell you that Kate and Sam are married. Now this type of thing doesn’t happen often, unless of course you’re the type who hangs out with Mitch’s wife from Old School. Kate had trouble dealing with how weird it was for her and Leo’s response being the gentleman he is told her to “get over it.” - Source

Shoot ‘Em Up:

This movie starts out with a pregnant woman running past a bus stop being chased by a man with a gun. Clive Owen sees this and decides to get involved. No, this isn’t another Segal movie. He saves the woman and helps her delivery the baby and tries to protect her. At one point there is a, not surprisingly, failed attempt to let a hooker take care of the baby.(The guy from The Hangover must not have been available) Later on Owen is in the middle of drilling the woman who clearly has nightingale syndrome, and they are attacked by trained mercenaries. Unphased by this recent development, Owen makes no attempt to stop banging her. Instead, he decides to continue whilst rolling around the room and shooting all of his attackers. He also fires at least 15 shots form a handgun which shows that, just like his penis, he doesn’t have to reload. - Source

Reno 911!:

Anyone who is a fan of the show is accustomed to seeing multiple scenes with some body part of sexual act blurred out. So once they had a feature film you knew they would take full advantage. The officers stay at a motel that apparently only has 8 rooms and they are the only occupants. Lt. Dangle had planned on sleeping with Wiegle but vomits once he sees her sunburn. Raineesha gets turned down by Jones who is looking for Johnson who has just avoiding a pathetic come on by Garcia. Then Raineesha runs into Kimball. Kimball is upset because everyone thinks she’s a lesbian. As she is talking two six foot plus black girls walk out of her room in shorts and sports bras and announce that they and Kimball are going to play some ball. Jones finally finds Johnson and start heading towards his room when Raineesha sees him and he goes back to pretending to be sick. Raineesha gets pissed off and goes back to her room and finds her dildo. As Jones is heading back to his room he walks in on Garcia jerking off. He is running away and is continuously disgusted as he sees everyone has ended up alone in their room masturbating. I don’t even have a joke here you just need to watch the scene below. - Source

Pink flamingos:

This is one of the most outrageous, disgusting, perverted, notorious, and controversial movies ever made. Even that is kind of putting it lightly. Imagine Borat level shock value, then throw in kidnapping, slavery, feces eating, drug use and murder. It’s labeled a transgressive comedy(make that a hyperlink), which basically means go past social boundaries and in this case possibly legal boundaries. The ridiculous sex scene that makes this list pales in comparison to some of the crazy shit that goes down in this film. I don’t even know how to set this scene up so I’m not going to try. A girl named Cookie is sent over to Crackers trailer as a spy. I’m not sure why she had to go inside. If you can get to one window there’s not much you can’t see in a trailer. Instead Cookie and Cracker have sex and while doing so a random chicken gets caught between them and is subsequently crushed to death. Also another character, named Cotton, is watching the entire thing. Probably using that single window idea I mentioned earlier. I’m not sure if this summary made you want to see this movie or avoid it all at costs. Either way, I’m not putting any videos up so more power to ya. - Source

I could have made this list inappropriately long but instead decided to pick and choose to talk about a few scenes. There are a few honorable mentions I would like to um… mention. First up, Crank High Voltage. There’s nothing like a semi rape to get your heart going and prevent dying. I’d also like to take this spot to mention that there is a real movie called Donkey Punch. Dan Ackroid gets a BJ from a ghost, a midget duck gets laid, that chick from Clerks fucks a dead guy, and the boys from A Clockwork Orange have high speed sex to the sounds of Beethoven. Also Sacha Baron Cohen is basically starting his own entire category of ridiculous sex scenes.

Brothels are a bit of an exotic mystery here in the states due to it being illegal and our only exposure to it being Lt. Dangle from Reno 911! busting some whores in his short shorts. They used to be a staple all over Europe but currently the Netherlands and Germany are some of the only countries where they are still legal. Most brothels these days, if they haven’t been shut down, are pretty tame compared to what they once were. Then again if they were legal we wouldn’t have the constant stream of sex scandals in politics and half the 24 hour news stations might go out of business. That, or just start kidnapping white girls vacationing in the Caribbean. These are some of the most exclusive brothels that weren’t shut down by mass media lobbyist.

The Everleigh Club:

Now in the U.S. brothels are only legal in Nevada but most aren’t really worth mentioning. Back at the turn of the century the Wright Brothers were the first to fly, the Model T was being introduced and people were getting fucked around the clock at Chicago’s Everleigh Club. Ada and Minna Everleigh were so confident that on the first day it opened they turned down customers who they felt weren’t good enough. Read, had a small dick. They had bought the former brothel out, fired all the employees, recruited from around the country, and spared no expense. They had a $57 gold spittoon which in today’s dollars is worth like $7 million[citation needed]. The main concourse also had a gold leafed piano. One guy who didn’t like it was instantly tossed out. Presumably very horny and frustrated. They were eventually shut down in 1911 after making millions. Minna Everleigh was later quoted “If it weren’t for married men, we couldn’t have carried on at all..” - Source

FKK Atlantis:

In Europe one of the largest brothels ever was the FKK Atlantis in Germany. It had been a spa originally and kept the pools and saunas to maintain to the relaxed atmosphere. It was set up like a nice house party where everyone is on the same page. Similar to the house in Eyes Wide Shut minus the expensive tux rental, the creepy masks, and thankfully Tom Cruise. You paid at the door and wandered around until you found someone you liked and made an exaggerated head tilt towards the nearest empty room. Men wore towels and women were required by house rules to be naked at all time, which by the way is a fantastic house rule that should be used more often. The women didn’t need to give any money to the owners who just kept the entrance fee. Many women had pimps who spied on them to make sure they weren’t skimming anything off the top. I have no idea how you successfully spy on someone where your disguise is a strategically placed towel. Atlantis is no longer in business but there are similar establishments that use the title FKK which basically means clothing optional and not necessarily sex for money. This had led to some embarrassing situations for misinformed tourists. - Source

Le Chabanais:

In France brothels were made illegal in 1946. Before that it had some of the most exclusive and expensive red light districts in all of Europe. In Paris, Le Chabanais, was one of the longest running high end brothels and it’s doors were open from 1878 to 1946. It was started by Madame Kelly, an Irish lass, who decided everyone back home was too drunk to run a proper brothel. She had to get funding and somehow she secured funds in the amount of 1.7 million Francs from wealthy individuals. How did she get the money? We may never know. Regardless she did an incredibly successful job running a business where people exchanged money for sex. Oh wait, that’s probably how she got the money. It was famous for having rooms decorated in different themes from around the world. Picture Epcot, but all in one building and everyone’s having sex. Also flash photography was probably frowned upon. Unfortunately, before it closed after WWII, it’s last patrons were the 15 or 20 Nazi troops it took to occupy Paris. - Source

Del Ray Hotel:

Crossing the pond to Brazil, Del Ray Hotel is the most notorious, expensive and largest brothels in the new world. It is a real hotel, but it’s not for those who aren’t interested in brothel-esque activities. It’s tag line on most travel websites is ‘great brothel, horrible hotel’. Fortunately for the brothel it is a big location for sex tourism. It boasts a 10:1 ratio of women to men whether you’re at the casino, the pool, the bar or the presidential suite with the mirrored ceilings. It had 108 rooms, so assuming there’s a dude in each one there should be over 1,000 women who are looking forward to meeting your bank account and your dick. They also sell condoms for those who don’t plan ahead or have much foresight. The only catch is they are located in the minibar and could involve a trip to the ATM. Hopefully it doesn’t rip. - Source

It’s a shame that the worldwide brothel industry isn’t what it used to be. Luckily for those of you who are socially inept and want to cheat on your wives as long as you can do it by the book, there are still legal brothel destinations. But beware, many of these places aren’t in the nicest neighborhoods. Don’t blame me if you wake up in a tub of ice and you’re missing a kidney.